There are a lot of menstrual cup companies and by and large they have similar products, but the FDA is slow to accept new products for sale in the USA. That’s okay though, as you can typically order them online for personal use without a problem. I’ve used a lot of different cups in my day (I can’t pinpoint when I first started using them, but it predates Gmail), and I currently own fourteen cups from at least nine different brands. All of my cups are the smallest size offered unless otherwise noted, and I will rank their “squishiness” from least to most firm. Let’s get started:

Meluna is a German company which makes some of my favorite cups. They are also one of the few companies out there which makes cups out of TPE instead of silicone. My first Meluna cups were like the black one you see on the far left (I actually have three of these, but couldn’t find the other two). They are stemless, short, and small. Really small. Small enough that these are my go-to cups if I want to have sex while I’m bleeding. In that case, I make one small modification- I turn the cup inside out. Once inserted, the inside out small cup fits me almost like a cervical cap and is more or less undetectable for my partner.

NOTE: While you can use menstrual cups during sex (depending on your body/partner/cup), cups are not a form of birth control and will not prevent pregnancy or STI transmission. They are not a diaphragm or cervical cap.

My other Meluna cups are: a pair of Meluna Soft shorty-small ball-stem cups, a Meluna Classic shorty-medium ring-stem, and a Meluna Soft large ring-stem ((Yes, that’s silver glitter you see in the soft cups. Meluna makes a wide variety of colours, including glitters)). I really love that Meluna has a wide array of sizes and stems, it makes the cups really customisable to your needs. I’ve stuck with the stemless or ball stems because they’re short and inconspicuous. The ring stem seemed like a good idea, but it’s not stretchy enough to fit my finger into so doesn’t actually function like I expected. It doesn’t stab me, so that’s nice, but I probably wouldn’t buy it again. The Softs tend to be harder to open, as is common with softer cups, and I often have to massage them around to get them open all the way. Typically this doesn’t bother me, but with these it is such a problem that I tend not to use them much. The Classics don’t really have this problem, though the really wee ones do sometimes. Meluna has a new and firmer Sport version that will probably solve this, but I haven’t tried them yet. The Meluna soft is by far the most pliant cup I’ve found, and the Classics coming in at number two in the squish-ranking.

Meluna recap: 8 sizes, 3 firmnesses, 4 stem styles, wide variety of colours. TPE. Pop-open varies. Wears comfortably and some styles work really well for sex.

Lady Cup is a company from the Czech Republic. I’ve had the one on the far right for some time (as evidenced by the previously removed stem). The other two were generously given to me by Lady Cup for this guide. Both the blue and the pink are sized Small, while the green is a Large. Despite already having the pink Small, I asked for a second Small because it had been so long since I’d used one that had a stem. Lady Cups insert and pop open easily. The rim is pretty firm while the bell is nice and soft. Despite the bulb being pretty flexible, these weigh in at number eight on my squishiness-scale due to having a strong, firm rim. They have six suction release holes placed in a staggered pattern and punched at an angle, but I’m not really sure if these design decisions make much of a practical difference. These cups have pretty strong suction and they take some squeezing to remove.

I have two major issues with the Lady Cup. First, the stems: Both the Large and the Small cups have stems that stab me right in the cunt. This is pretty easily remedied by cutting the stem down or, in my case, all the way off. Unfortunately cutting the stems off these cups leads me to problem number two- these are the slipperiest cups I’ve ever used. Without the stems there to give you purchase, these cups are incredibly hard to hold on to. Of course, you can’t actually lose a cup inside you but a stemless Lady Cup is the closest I’ve ever come to feeling like I had.

Lady Cup recap: 2 sizes, 1 firmness, 1 stem style, wide variety of colours. Silicone. Pops open very easily. Can be difficult to remove.

Lily Cups are made by Intimina, which a health and wellness brand from the makers of LELO. While my colleagues and I might be scratching our heads about the direction that LELO is headed in, Intimina seems to be on the right track- provided you can get past all the pink.

The two cups on the left are brand new. They’re the Lily Cup Compact and they just completed an incredible Kickstarter campaign to the tune of 4000% of their goal. If that doesn’t say that folks are ready for a menstrual alternative, I don’t know what does. These are collapsable silicone cups. Yep, collapsable, like a camping cup ((Amusingly, a lot of menstrual cup companies sell storage/disinfection cups for their menstrual cups which are basically silicone camping cups with an integrated lid. Why none of them came up with this first is beyond me.)). This makes them incredibly easy to travel with if you like to carry a second cup, are expecting your blood but aren’t sure quite when, or just don’t want a cup rolling around your wherever. At first I was worried that the ribs where these cups collapse would be too thin, but then I actually TRIED to puncture them with my fingernails and couldn’t do it. They pop open easily thanks to a firm rim, insert and remove easily, and overall feel like any other cup when in place. The body of the cup being squishier makes them a little easier to grip for removal, which is nice. I’ll probably still cut the stems off on these, but they aren’t nearly as stabby as most. Squishiness ranking of three.

The other two cups are the original Lily Cups, and let me tell you- I love these. They’re really unique in design- they’re slanted, they have a spill-resistant inner lip which also forms the seal around the cervix, they have no suction release holes, and their stem is more integrated than most cups. These are also a matte textured silicone like you’d find on a Mona ((A quick aside here- I realised the other day that, after giving away both of the Mona’s I used to own, I actually need a Mona. Not as a vibrator, but because it’s the only thing I’ve found that gets up under my scapula and into my clavicle to release the pinched nerves I’m prone to getting. Fucking figures.)).See that flange there? It’s fucking genius. It cradles the cervix without generating the pulling sensation that some cups with strong suction can have. In fact, at first I thought that these cups didn’t have any suction at all! Yeah, they do. They actually have a really strong suction, strong enough that on at least one occasion squeezing the cup wasn’t enough and I had to reach up and pull down on the lip a little bit to make it release.

The other thing the original Lily Cup has that others don’t is that it’s actually shaped to match the contours of the cervix and vaginal canal. That angle makes a huge difference. Now, this might not be the case with folks who have a tilted uterus (I’d be really curious to know though!) but for me these fit beautifully and, for the first time in my life, the stems don’t stab me! Whenever I wear a large cup I’m always aware of it because the pressure against my peri-urethral sponge is unmistakable, but I literally forgot I was wearing these! Folding is a little tricky since there is a “right way up”, but the bottom of the cup (what would be parallel-ish to the floor once inserted) has a stiffer rib which makes it easier to wrangle. They roll more than fold, pop open easily thanks to that rib, and the angled shape means less spillage during retrieval. I can’t really rank these on the squishiness scale due to the completely different design and the varied thickness creating the insertion rib.

Lily Cup recaps: Compact- 2 sizes, 1 firmness, 1 stem style, one colour per size- both pink. Silicone. Pops open easily. Collapses for easily portability. Original- 2 sizes, 1 firmness, 1 stem style, one colour per size- both pink. Silicone. Pops open very easily. Can have strong suction. More anatomically shaped.

Next up we have the Lunette. Lunette was founded in Finland, but thanks to distribution through Planned Parenthood is getting really good exposure here in the USA. I’m stoked to have a blue one- I remember when the blue Lunettes first came out and the Menstrual Cup LiveJournal Community ((Which is STILL a fantastic resource for all things cup related)) went nutso over the “Lunette Selene”, as it was known then. The Lunette is also a matte silicone, but not in the same way as the Lily Cups. This is more like my silicone spatulas, if I had to compare it to something. Like brushed steel is to chrome. The stem is also flat, which somehow makes for less cunt stabbing, to the extent that I might actually leave the stem on this one. I only have the smaller size, but from what I can tell the size steps are similar to those of the Lady Cup. It pops open, inserts and removes easily. All in all, it’s a nice (if average) cup, and ranks at number six in squishiness- not too firm, not too soft. I’m stoked about the wider distribution in the US though, especially to a demographic which might not otherwise have heard about cups.

Lunette recap: 2 sizes, 1 firmness, 1 stem style, 5 colours. Silicone. Pops open easily. Flat stem is less pokey. Available at some Planned Parenthood locations.

I have no idea how to pronounce the Sckoon Cup. At all. None. With a name like that you’d think it was made overseas, but this one is American made. Despite the weird name, it’s a really good cup. It’s one of two cups that I have that are more tulip-shaped, with the rim flaring outwards. This means that, like the Lily Cup, it doesn’t pull quite so strongly against my cervix. Sckoon also seems to use TARDIS technology to create their cups, as they have a capacity equal to or slightly greater than other cups in their size class (small/large) despite being noticeably smaller. Don’t ask me how.

I have mixed feelings on the stem. I love that it’s narrow, flexible, and (despite appearances) not at all pokey. Unfortunately it’s so slender that it’s also pretty stretchy. It’s not vagina-slingshot stretchy but enough so to make it less than effective for me as a retrieval method. I’m not sure about their claims of being “the softest and most advanced” cup, but otherwise? Quickly becoming one of my most used cups, with decent suction despite a squishiness rank of 4.

Sckoon recap: 2 sizes, 1 firmness, 1 stem style, 6 colours. Silicone. Pops open fairly easily. Thin stem is less-pokey. Base texture less useful than it seems.

Fleur Cup is a French company, as the name implies. I think this was my first cup, but I’m not entirely sure. Fleur and Sckoon share a similar tulip shape and flared rim, which is something you don’t find often in cups. However, Fleur is more rounded through the bulb where Sckoon tapers. My Fleur cup comes in near the top of the squish-scale at number 9, but I still turn to it on a regular basis. It has quite a bit of suction which makes it really good for those periods which are more clot-heavy, or for when I’m near the end of my period and the spotting just isn’t going away. I cut the stem off long ago but the matte texture and the ridging on the base make it easy to grip.

I recently read that Fleur has changed their firmness since I got one. I’m going to try and get a hold of one before I update this with info on the new version. From what I have learned, these newer Fleur cups are softer and now are closer to the Lunette in appearance, flat stem, and texture of the silicone. I’m not sure if they’re still making different colours- I’m seeing photos of coloured translucent Fleurs but I’m not seeing them on their site. More information when I have it.

Fleur recap: 2 sizes, 1 firmness (possibly different from older versions), 1 stem style, may come in colours. Silicone. Pops open fairly easily. Easy to grip.

Ruby Cup is from Denmark, and although it is a larger cup I rather like it. I don’t often reach for a larger cup, but when I do its the Ruby. The shape and softness means it doesn’t cause the gotta-pee feeling all day and it still works for the occasional heavy flow. This is another cup with a silicone-spatula matte texture, although it is a little more grippy than the Lunette which makes for an easy removal. At a squish factor of 5, this is the Goldilocks of cups. Not too big, not too small, not too squishy, not too firm, even the stem is pretty non-pokey due to being rounded at the end. The suction release holes are a bit lower than on most cups, which may be an issue for folks who need a large capacity cup.

The folks at Ruby Cup also sent me their handy steriliser cup. It’s also silicone, collapses like a camping cup (and could probably double as one) but is also a really handy storage container to keep your cup clean and cat-hair free. It’s also nice if you aren’t boiling a bunch of dildos or cups and just need to sterilise one cup- drop your cup in the, er, cup, pour boiling water over it, and let it steep. Done! Don’t be like me and get the black one just because you’re a goddamn goth. I promptly lost it in the sea of black that is my home. Get something bright. You’ll thank me later.

Ruby Cup recap: 2 sizes, 1 firmness, 1 stem style, 2 colours. Silicone. Pops open easily. Rounded stem is less-pokey. Easy to grip and probably a great starter cup.

I’m going to lump together these next two: the Diva Cup and the Mooncup ((The American version made by the same folks as The Keeper, not the confusingly-named Moon Cup made in the UK.)) Mostly because I honestly find these very similar, practically speaking, and also because I strongly dislike both of them. The Diva cup clocks in at a 7 of squish, while the Mooncup maxes out the scale at 10. Despite this, they both have really firm rings and a LOT of suction. The Diva cup is probably the longest cup I’ve used, and because of that it just doesn’t work for my body. When inserted, the tip of the cup is at my vaginal entrance. I didn’t even bother trimming the stem because I knew there was no point.

The Mooncup is really firm, firm enough that I have a really hard time folding it for insertion. It pops open prematurely, which hurts. It’s also really smooth which makes it impossible to grip to get it back out. Oddly enough, both of these cups feel huge when I’m using them, but the Ruby Cup is actually larger. Just goes to show how materials actually matter.

Diva Cup recap: 2 sizes, 1 firmness, 1 stem style, 1 colour. Silicone. Pops open easily. Particularly long but not a whole lot of capacity. Mooncup recap: 2 sizes, 2 firmness, 1 stem style, 1 colour. Silicone. Really firm and can pop open prematurely. Hard to fold. Very slippery.

Ok. Last one (for now). The Instead SoftCup. I’m reluctant to call these menstrual cups, even though they are  technically a “cup” for “menstrual fluid”. That’s where the similarities end. Instead, it’s almost like a weird reverse version of an internal condom, except internal condoms are rad. It’s a 2.75″ diameter stiff ring with a plastic bag attached to it. Let’s just call it what it is. These don’t suction onto your cervix, but rather are supposed to loop under your cervix and behind your pubic bone, kinda like how a Nuva Ring fits. That doesn’t even sound comfortable to me, especially given how rigid and surprisingly not-rounded the rim is. None of that matters though for me because these don’t even fit into my vagina. My vaginal canal is too short in it’s unaroused state that it just doesn’t work ((Similarly the Nuva Ring didn’t work for me, when I briefly tried to switch to it)), and these only come in one size SO…

They claim you can wear this during sex and that your partner won’t feel it “depending on your partner” but uhh, I doubt that. Especially considering how this is supposed to seat.  Also, it’s disposable, which seems to largely defeat the purpose of menstrual cups to me. They do make a “reusable” version which has a dark-pink ring instead of a light-pink ring, but it’s still only supposed to be used for one cycle. I really wouldn’t recommend these to someone considering a menstrual cup, and I’m not sure I’d recommend them to anyone.

Softcup recap: 1 size, 1 firmness, no stem. Absolutely useless for me.

Throughout this comparison I’ve referred to what I’ve dubbed the “Squish Factor” of cups. Basically what this means is how easily the cup folds for insertion and how much, if any, coaxing it needs to fully open. I typically do a “punch down fold” but for the purposes of illustrating what I mean I used a “U fold” in the photograph. This is the softest cup I own (the Meluna Soft) and the firmest (the Mooncup). The Meluna folds easily, nice and tiny, and takes no effort to fold and keep folded during insertion. The Mooncup takes effort, and often pops open while I’m trying to fold it. There’s a lot of space between the “loops” of the fold, and it takes some pressure to keep the fold in place during insertion.

The cups I’ve compared in this guide, from softest to firmest are:

1. Meluna Soft
2. Meluna Classic
3. Lily Cup Compact
4. Sckoon Cup
5. Ruby Cup
6. Lunette
7. Diva Cup
8. Lady Cup
9. Fleur Cup (older version?)
10. Mooncup (American version)

There are a LOT of other cups out there in the world, and there are a few I’d still like to try. If and when I get a chance to use them, I’ll add a third part to further expand this guide. For right now? My top recommendations are: Ruby Cup for those who need a larger/longer cup, Lunette for those who want a softer and more versatile cup, Mooncup for those who need a firm cup, Sckoon Cup for folks who still aren’t quite sure or who need capacity without bulk, and the Meluna Soft for those who need something really soft or want to do the inversion trick for sex. I also LOVE the Lily Cup and want to recommend it to everyone.

I know this was incredibly long, so thank you for reading. Have any questions I didn’t address in this guide? Feel free to comment and I’ll do my best to answer them!

My focus is not the history of menstruation or cultural blood taboos; I’m sure there are many historians and sociologists who know much more than I do. What I’m talking about here is a method that I, and increasingly more and more folks, are using to manage our periods. Namely, I’m talking about menstrual cups.

Menstrual cups are, at their most basic, an internal blood containment system that looks a bit like the mouthpiece of a trombone. A bell-shaped receptacle with a firm rim, a series of small holes just below the rim (referred to as “suction release holes”), and a stem to aid in gripping the cup for removal are bog-standard for a menstrual cup. They’re re-usable, sterilisable (except for The Keeper which can be sanitised but not sterilised), and cost less over time than “traditional” disposable menstrual products like pads, tampons, and sponges.

Early menstrual cups were made from natural latex rubber whereas cups today are made from silicone or TPE. Now I know that TPE is something that you’ll often see on the “bad” materials lists for sex utensils. Bear with me here. First, TPE (Thermoplastic Elastomer) is a fairly generic term that applies to a number of materials. The TPE used for menstrual cups is the same material used for baby-bottle nipples and IV drip systems, and is sterilisable. The EU, which is where the only TPE cups I know of are made and primarily sold, also has a history of being far more stringent in their health and safety requirements for bodily use than the USA.

Most menstrual cups sit inside the vaginal canal encircling the cervix to collect menstrual fluid. A lot of menstrual cup instructions will include Ye Old Vaginal Cross-Section Diagram, much like you’ll see on tampon instructions, which seem to indicate that the cup fits low in the vaginal canal near the vaginal opening. I, and pretty much every cup user I’ve ever spoken to or read the writing of, call bullshit. The average depth of the unaroused vaginal canal is around 3″ and cups vary in length from 1.5″-2.75″. Even if you have a particularly long vaginal canal and a short cup, placing the cup low in the body will often either lead to leakage or an upwards migration towards your cervix. So I don’t know whose vaginas those diagrams are modeled after but: Fuck cup companies and their diagrams. Fuck them right in the ear. I say most because there is one exception, the so-called “softcup” by the company Instead works (or, in my case, fails) differently. We’ll get to that in the cup comparisons.

Using menstrual cups is pretty easy once you get the hang of it. First- fold the cup and push the folded cup into the vaginal canal. This isn’t entirely dissimilar from inserting an applicator-free OB tampon (or, if you’re me, any tampon because they NEVER seat properly and have to be manually adjusted no matter what you do). Once the cup is inside, release your grip on the cup and it should pop open. After the cup opens, double check that it’s positioned around the cervix and open all the way. A lot of cup companies will tell you to rotate the cup to do this, but I’ve rarely been able to accomplish this. What I do is I run my finger, inside of me, around the cup to make sure it isn’t still folded. This also lets me make sure my cervix is in the cup and that I didn’t misfire and place the cup beside it. To remove, reach in and squeeze the cup to break the suction and then carefully pull it out. Dump the gunk, rise (or wipe if you’re in a toilet stall), and re-insert if needed.

While I’ve never had issues with fit, leakage, or expulsion, getting a cup that works properly and fits comfortably is important. One thing that can help with getting a good fit is to know a bit about the placement and moods of your cervix. The first time I felt my cervix, I thought I was intersex ((I was also probably 7 or 8 years old, so I’m kinda impressed with myself. How many elementary school kids know what intersex is?)). I’ve learned a lot since then. You’ll also want to think about the overall design of the cups you’re considering. Most menstrual cup resources will tell you to look at size, stiffness, texture, stem length, stem design, and suction release hole placement. While all of these can factor into your selection, in my experience the important things to pay attention to (unless you’re having issues despite trying a few cups already) are the size, stiffness, and texture. Stem length is something that can be modified at home if need be, and you’ll notice I’ve cut the stems off some of my cups. For me almost all stems are too long or at an angle that stabs the front of my cunt, so I cut them off as soon as I get them. I’ll probably cut the stems off the rest of my cups once this guide is up.

Size and stiffness are the two main things you’ll want to look at. I hate to say it but cups are kinda like buttplugs in that stiffer is often better, especially when starting out. Stiffer cups can be trickier to fold for insertion but they pop open much more readily and tend to create better suction without much, if any, adjustment. Softer cups are also a bit more apt to break their seal if you have particularly strong PC muscles. I tend to stick with smaller cups. If your cervix tends to be low, or you have a shallow unaroused vaginal canal, shorter cups are likely going to be better for you.

Cup sizing is something that I find wholly irritating with almost every brand on the market. You’re often told that one size is for young people and/or people who haven’t given vaginal birth, and the other is for older people/people who have given vaginal birth. Again I say: Fuck this shit. If you have heavier periods and you need more volume in your cup, or you have a long vaginal canal/high cervix, or if you just fucking want a larger cup? Get one. I prefer smaller cups, mostly because larger cups have a tendency to press on my urethral sponge (aka g-spot), making me feel like I have to pee all day. Even a poorly-placed or larger tampon can do this to me, so I know I’m particularly sensitive to this.

Two concerns I’ve heard and seen a lot with cups are whether you can use a cup in conjunction with Nuva Ring and/or an IUD ((I’ve recently seen tell of a lot of folk who are using both in conjunction. I’m not exactly sure how prevalent this is.)). The answer to both is yes! The Nuva Ring should not be a problem with cup use. Nuva Ring is approximately 2″ in diameter, whereas most cups are 1.5-1.75″ in diameter. Attempting to insert a menstrual cup whilst wearing a Nuva Ring can be a bit of a blind game of ring-toss, so it may be easier to insert your cup with the ring removed, then replace the ring. Removing the ring briefly in this manner will not compromise the effectiveness of your pregnancy prevention.

If you recently had your IUD placed it is generally recommended that you wait 2-3 months before using a cup. IUD expulsion rates are relatively low even without menstrual cups in the picture, and most people’s devices settle within the first two cycles. Make sure your strings are trimmed appropriately so that they do not get trapped between the rim of your cup and the walls of the vagina. When removing your cup, make sure to break the suction seal first. IUD users may prefer a lower-suction cup to make this a little easier. As always, check your strings regularly and if you notice any change in your string length contact your physician or gynaecologist.

One last fear common to new cup users is- what if it gets lost/stuck? First off, it can’t get lost. The vaginal canal is a finite distance and the cervical opening is, except during childbirth or when medically induced to dilate, a really tiny opening that your cup could not fit inside if you tried. Just as tampons and kegel exercisers don’t get lost, neither do cups. What can happen is that your cup becomes difficult to remove, due to a number of factors. Have you orgasmed recently? During arousal the vaginal canal balloons and the cervix pulls up and back taking your cup along with it. I forget this ALL THE TIME and the combination of my preferred cups being relatively smooth ((The smoother the cup the harder it is to grip. The stems on cups are designed to combat this, but if you’re like me and cut the stems off this is no longer the case.)), my own natural cunt goo, and the retreat of my cervix means I’ve just gotta wait for things to return to normal.

If your cup becomes difficult to reach for removal try squatting in the bathtub (so you don’t have to worry about cleanup if you spill the contents) and bearing down during removal. Some folks may be able to reach deeper while laying on their back (I’m one of those people). Remember- stay calm. It won’t harm you to leave the cup a little longer and give it another go when you’re more relaxed. TSS is not a concern with cups as it is with tampons ((TSS is caused by bacteria that can be present on tampons due to their porous and non-sterile nature. Cups are non-porous and, if you are maintaining your cups properly, can be sterilised and sanitised between uses.)). I’ve seen people talk about using kitchen spoons, tongs, and bent coat hangers to retrieve a stuck cup. Please do not do this. There is one device that I can recommend for stubborn cup retrieval- The Magic Banana. It’s designed as a kegel exerciser in some weird way, but it fills the same role as the spoons and coat hangers but in a safe manner. Relax, breathe, find a position that allows you to reach further, and press the side or rim of the cup when you can reach it to break the suction.

Now that we’ve covered basics, application, and common concerns, let’s get to the good stuff- comparisons! Onwards to part two of the Epic Menstrual Cup Guide!

This is crazy long and we know that. If you’re the type of person who listens to things, download the audio file and listen to it while you poo, during your commute to work, or whenever else it is that people listen to stuff. If you’re like me and audio is mostly useless, the full transcript follows, with handy links and funny (I think) images. Because accessibility is kinda my thing.

We learned that Jenna keeps a secret spy file about all of us, revealed why bloggers sometimes seem unnecessarily bitter in reviews, and that I use some strange analogies when talking about writing vitriolic negative reviews. Oh, and Jenna brought out the proverbial mic-drop at one point, which left us all slack-jawed for a moment. That happened.

Also check out Epiphora’s resource page for the panel, which includes links to good reviews, affiliate programs, companies who know how to use Twitter, and more.

(Thank you FOREVER to Aerie, Girly Juice, Scarlett Seraph, Krista, and Sexational for doing much of the transcription, and to Epiphora for posting this behemoth to her blog first thus saving me the trouble of creating a lot of the source-code. Go give them virtual drinks and hugs, or buy things through their affiliate links and help them pay rent and buy cat food!)

• What do you look for in a company/reviewer partnership?
• How do you break the ice when you’re starting a reviewing partnership?
• What makes a good review, and should negative reviews be subject to pre-screening?
• What if you’re going to hate a product and you know ahead of time? Do you still review it?
• Can you make money doing this? Are affiliate programs a necessary part of the equation?
• But what do the companies get? Why should companies even bother sending stuff to us?
• Audience Q: Suggestions on starting a sponsorship relationship?
• Audience Q: Thoughts on affiliate link loyalty?
• Audience Q: Advertisers as an alternative to affiliates?
• Audience Q: How long did you review toys that you already owned before you started using it more as a business?
• Audience Q: What all do companies take into consideration when looking at potential reviewers?

Lorax:  And this is Will Write for Dildos, so… welcome everybody. Our hashtag is #cconreview. Please Twitter often, Twitter early… we usually Twitter a lot, we’re up here so we can’t, and it makes us sad. So, welcome everybody, hi!

I’d like to quickly introduce everybody who is up here on our panel today. I am Lorax of LoraxOfSex.com. I am a blogger, reviewer, educator, I also work in a store; I sell dildos and make rope for a living, it’s great fun. Next to me, we have Epiphora of HeyEpiphora.com, blogger reviewer extraordinaire. Next to her we have Krista, social media, PR, and affiliate executive for Lovehoney, and last but very much not least, we have Jenna of Tantus. And if ya’ll don’t know who Tantus is — after the panel, down a couple doors, the vendor room, check it out, learn some shit, they’re awesome.

So, we’re just going to sort of dive right into this talking about the relationship between bloggers, reviewers, and companies and manufacturers, and the importance of that relationship. So, I think we’ll start at the end of the table with Jenna…

What do you look for in a company/reviewer partnership?

Jenna: Basically when I start looking for reviewers and scouting and reading blogs, my first focus is to try and get as diverse a group of bloggers and reviewers as possible. Tantus is one of the few manufacturers that has a prototype testing function. When we bring out a new toy, part of my job is to send it to people and have them test it. And I look for people of different heights, and different sizes, and different body types — so that we can make sure that our toys are fitting as broad a spectrum of people as possible.

I kind of do the same thing with the affiliates and reviewers. I want to look for… if I come away with all female reviewers, or all reviewers that are over the age of 30, that doesn’t really do me any good. I want a big group, so that there’s something for everyone out there. I also look for people who are a good values fit with what we represent: a commitment to sexual health, quality, integrity, truth in product package labeling. That’s a little difficult sometimes because, again, a lot folks don’t know sort of the lay of the land when it comes to sex toy manufacturing.

And we’re also chronically busy, often understaffed, and we’ve had to grow the affiliate program more slowly I think than we would be able to do if we had a lot more folks on board. So I, on a personal level, I like folks who are nice to me when they are faced with my problems about time, and not having enough of it.

Epiphora: Nice people. Yeah, I mean, I think that the “values fit” thing is interesting because for me, when I’m looking for companies to review for, one thing that I do is I go to their dildos or butt plugs section… and if I’m just accosted by jelly atrocities, like, yeeeah, no. That solved it. If that’s all you have, and you don’t know that there are silicone butt plugs and dildos… that’s a problem. But that’s like the baseline. You’d have to be way better than that still, but… [laughs]

And then of course obviously I look for people who will send me whatever I want… isn’t that what we…? [laughs]

No, I really don’t, but I do like people who trust me. That’s a big thing. Trust that I will finish my review. I’ve been doing this for awhile, and I don’t really like being prodded. I know sometimes people do it out of the goodness of their hearts; they really just want to know, “when’s the review gonna be done?” But I am so slow, and if you wanted it done sooner, you should have told me in advance because I can’t, I just, I’m terribly slow.

Also the people who always email me feverishly asking when something’s going to be done are always the people who sent me the shitty shit that I don’t actually love at all. And I’m like, “you really don’t want to know when that review’s gonna be done, because you don’t want to read it ever. You’d probably rather me not publish it.” So I just reply and I’m like, “it’ll be done; I’ll email you.”

And then availability… just kind of, respond to my emails? If I have a question about your product, answer it for me. And do nice things like create coupon codes and banners, tell me about your sales in advance… and help me spread the word about my review when it goes up! What is that? This happens all the time. You’re like “here’s my review, it’s wonderful!” and you never get a reply, and they never talk about it on social media, like it never happened.

Lorax: Krista?

Krista: So what do I look for with reviewers? Definitely like what Jenna said, I really look for a diverse group. There’s a lot of women out there who are reviewers, and it’s kind of a very similar demographic you’re working with. And so we do like to go out and find people who have different topics, whether they’re male reviewers reviewing male toys, or they have a BDSM focus.

But definitely it’s a professional situation. If someone comes just kind of comes at it flippantly, or they’re just like, “send me some toys, I’ll review them for you,” but then you receive this email and it has no information about the person, you know. And I have to write back to them saying, “well, what’s your URL? Why do you want to review toys?” And if I have to pull that information out, that’s making more work for me.

So you want to approach it in a professional way. You’re looking for people who take it seriously, and aren’t just, “oh, I bet I could get a free dildo out of this if I reach out to this company.” Or someone who looks like they’re reaching out to every company.

Epiphora: You can smell those people, I’m sure. They smell like jelly toys.

[audience laughs]

Krista: This is true.

Lorax: I’m right there with Epiphora on this one, as a fellow reviewer and a fellow blogger. I’m looking for folk who understand that I work two “real-world” jobs; I work seven days a week. So I don’t just sit at home stuffing toys into myself all day. I mean, that would be great, I would love that. If I could do that and still pay my rent and feed the cat, that would be great. But I’m human, and I get sick. Things take time, and also research. I do so much research.

I’m looking for more than just a toy to review. I’m looking for the design of it, is it safe, the materials, all of these things. And so I do a lot of research and that just takes time. We all went through school, hopefully, I think. We’ve all done research papers. You’ve got to go study some stuff, you’ve got to Google, you’ve gotta go to the library still sometimes — not everything’s on the internet. So there’s that.

And I also, I need some sort of mutual support going on, like you said. I’ve published reviews, and I’ve emailed the company, and I’ve tweeted it, and I’ve put it on Tumblr and I’ve put it on Facebook… and there’s nothing. There’s no retweets, there’s no reblogs, there’s no email…

Epiphora: Retweet. That’s like the easiest thing in the world. One fucking button.

Lorax: One click, retweet, done. Easy. There’s no, “hey, thanks!” There’s no, “oh, we didn’t think of that!” There’s nothing. So that sort of mutual support, and that back and forth open communication is really really important to me.

So off of that, and Krista sorta started on this, is breaking the ice. We’re all accustomed with first dates, and first encounters with people. They’re really awkward, and you’re like “hi… I’m Lorax… how are you…?” And you come off as a really weird, like, mouth-breather.

Epiphora: I feel like a good example is meeting a celebrity, too. You’re all nervous, and you’re just like…

Lorax: “Hi, you’re really cool, I love your work!”

So how do you break the ice when you’re starting a reviewing partnership, or when you’re being contacted for a review product, or when you’re contacting?

Krista: Working with Lovehoney, you know, I’ve done a lot of outreach to a bunch of bloggers that I know and work with. But I’m also always on the lookout for new people to work with the company. So when I see a site that I’m like, “these guys are a good fit, they probably would enjoy talking about our toys,” I’ll find their contact information, find the contact form. I think there’s someone in the room who I reached out through their website this way. Give them the information they need.

And it goes both ways. So if I’m reaching out to someone, I want them to have the links that they need to find out what the terms are of becoming an affiliate, I want them to have a little bit of an idea. But also I don’t want to send them a laundry list of everything you need to know, because maybe they don’t want all that information. So it’s kind of going with the appropriate information that they need at the time, to get them interested, get them to respond to me.

I also do review toys, and I had the scenario where someone from Tantus actually found my website and reached out to me. Oh, now I get this experience of being the reviewer, and being kind of coveted in that situation. But again, it’s a business communication, that you want to give the person all the information that they need.

Epiphora: But not more than they need. Never more… people don’t have time. People are much lazier than you realize.

Krista: Yeah, you want to make it simple. Let them know how you want them to respond, you know. If you’re interested, get back to me, and let me know your web URL…

Epiphora: That’s a good point.

Krista: Or send me an example of a review you’ve written in the past, so I can just get started on what I need to do, and we don’t have to keep going back and forth.

Jenna: For me, I’m definitely more interested in a reviewer’s blog than the initial contact email. I want to see what you’re putting out in the universe, into cyberspace. Show me what you’re passionate about and what you’re really interested in. Again, a thoughtful review is great, but for me, the messaging around quality products and safe materials kind of has to be in your blog for me to really take notice. Because again, that’s what we’re about at Tantus.

At the very least, though, I’m hopeful for somebody who isn’t trying to undo all the hard work in educating. Metis, our founder, has been educating people since ’97 on safe toys, and it’s hard for me to see people who come in and are like, “well I’ve never had a reaction to a jelly toy, so I don’t understand why people are saying they’re not safe.” Again, if you can give me an honest review and maybe not sort of try to take back some of the work, that would be great.

Most of the people I come across are from social media interactions. People who are interested in Tantus and who follow the Tantus Twitter, and who are participating in those conversations we’re having. And that’s great, because I can get kind of an idea of where they’re at before I even start that interaction.

If I had any advice to give new reviewers, it would be to really kind of feel out a company’s social media presence. You can tell the difference when a company isn’t very genuine, or if it’s a bunch of canned marketing stuff. The companies I personally love are the ones who take the time to interact with people, answer questions, are timely in their communication. And granted, it’s not lightning-fast all the time, but certainly they should be open to what you’re saying as well.

Epiphora: I think the kinds of accounts you’re talking about are the ones that are like, “here’s a sex fact! Sex fact of the day!” And you’re like, “really didn’t need a sex fact every day.” You look at their whole feed, and it’s just sex facts. “Did you know this, about sex?” And they’re probably not even true.

[audience laughs]

Those, I don’t know why companies think that that’s how do you a Twitter account. Like, where did they get this idea? I think it’s such an amateur mistake to do that, as a company.

But I think it’s interesting that you mentioned you kind of like being approached on social media, because I usually tell bloggers not to do that. I think it’s somewhat informal and a little, like, slightly lazy… just, you couldn’t even look at the website to find the email address to email them? And also, social media limits your… you know, Twitter, you can’t write a lot.

So I usually say, send an email — but again, also, keep it short, keep it to the point. Have some sort of direction. Tell them who you are. Tell them, maybe, if you’re interested in a particular toy.

Oh, the main thing: tell them why you like them as a company. Because you need to offer yourself, like, how do these two things go together other than “I like sex toys, really like sex toys.” It’s not quite enough. If you want a certain toy, they might be into you saying that, but not, like, a $300 njoy Eleven. And you can’t be pushy and long-winded, yeah.

Oh, and make sure your blog has content! Make sure there’s shit there, and that…

Krista: And that it wasn’t stolen from her site…

Epiphora: And that it was not stolen from me!

Krista: ‘Cause I’ll know if you took it from her site.

Epiphora: Yeah, and she’ll tell me. And I’ll be like, “ooh, fuck you guys.”

So yeah, and if you don’t get a response in a couple weeks, you can send a follow-up, it’s probably good to do that. But if you don’t a response to that, it’s over, just let it go. They don’t want you, maybe they don’t accept reviewers, maybe they’re too busy.

Lorax: Please, please, please, for the love of tap-dancing dildo gods, to coin a term from a friend of mine — pay attention to the name and the gender of the person that you are contacting.

Epiphora: Look at that signature.

Lorax: Look at the signature, look at the name that they’re blogging under. Don’t sit there and like, Porn Wikileaks the person you’re contacting and be like, “hey, real-legal-name, I found your blog and would love to work with you!” That sort of sets a weird creeper vibe. And if we consistently sign our emails Lorax, or Epiphora, address us as such — even if you know our legal, driver’s license names.

I contact people both as my store, and as a blogger; so I have two names, and I keep them separate for that reason. So if you’re getting an email from my work account, and it’s signed Lily [redacted], then that’s me as a store and doing my store thing. If it’s signed Lorax of Sex, loraxofsex.com, that’s me as a blogger. They’re separate entities. It’s one of those things, I mean, it’s a small detail, but some people don’t use their legal names out there, so respect that.

And gender is a thing, it’s an important thing. Not everybody is the gender that you might assume they are based on looking at what they’re wearing today…

Epiphora: Or what dildo they’re reviewing…

Lorax: Or what toy they’re reviewing. Some men have vaginas, some women have penises, these things happen. So respect that, and let’s respect people’s gender identities. Look on their blog, they probably talk about it.

Epiphora: Yeah, look on their “about” page, it’ll sometimes say “pronouns preferred,” or, if it’s written, you know, in the third person, that’s obvious.

Lorax: Or if your web address is “Mr. So-and-So,” and you’re calling them “she”…

Epiphora: That might be a problem.

Lorax: It might be a hint. And like Epiphora said, also, going back to the Twitter vs. email thing — don’t pester me on Twitter every time you email me.

Epiphora: Oh my god.

Lorax: Don’t. If you’ve emailed me, and it’s been, like, a month, and you haven’t heard back from me, you can be like, “hey, I sent you an email a while back, did you get that?” That’s cool. But every time you send me an email, I don’t need the “hey, I emailed you, check your inbox, I haven’t heard back from you.” Just don’t, please. That’s what direct messages are for, that’s what follow-up emails are for… social media is not a place for private business.

Epiphora: Right, ’cause everyone can see that.

Lorax: So, onto the meat of this goodness… reviews. It’s what we’re talking about.

What makes a good review, and more to recent events, should negative reviews (because they happen, we don’t like everything) be subject to pre-screening by the companies?

Piph, you wanna take this?

Epiphora: Pretty sure I have some opinions about this.

Lorax: I don’t know, do you?

Epiphora: So, I’m really difficult to impress when it comes to reviews, I’ll be the first to admit that. I actually put together a resource page on my blog about this panel, and it has links to what I consider good reviews. Because, I can tell you what I want, but when you read it, you’ll really understand.

I think that a good review is entertaining, it’s well-written, it’s informative, but it’s not jam-packed with stuffy information. So, the further you can get from a canned, manufacturer description, the better, in my opinion. ‘Cause it’s a review, it’s about you, how you experienced the toy, not what the manufacturer has to say, that’s it’s seven inches long, it has settings. And of course, it’s always good to be funny if you can, which can be difficult, but it does make the reviews memorable.

Oh, and honesty. That’s the big one. You would think it would be obvious, but it’s not. People are really too easily swayed by free sex toys, it’s kind of creepy. You have to care more about the reader than paying back a perceived debt to the company that sent you the toy. That’s just not how it works. You need to be honest. And readers can tell when you are sugar coating; it’s so easy to spot. And once you’ve lost their trust, they’re not coming back. They don’t trust you anymore.

So, the pre-screening thing. This was wonderful, ’cause this just happened a couple weeks ago and we already had this as the [panel] description, and we were like “oooh, real life example.” ‘Cause I’ve definitely had people before ask me about if they could read it beforehand, and I’m always like,”nope.” And that’s never been a problem.

But there was a blogger recently who agreed with the manufacturer that the manufacturer could “proofread” the review before it was published — that was the word that was used — and the blogger said “okay”… don’t do that. It’s a bad idea. It’s a red flag, is what it is, because it’s kind of a sign of a company that’s controlling, and they sort of don’t understand the landscape. That’s not how things work, and if you wanted everything to be sunshine and roses then you shouldn’t be getting a reviewer.

And then the manufacturer was mad because the review mentioned an orgasm. So that’s weird…

[audience laughs]

Lorax: Um, are we writing about sex toys?

Epiphora: I guess not? I’m not sure? And threatened to sue her if she published the review at all — which, by the way, you can’t do. Talk to Davis here at Sexquire, they’ll tell you that if it’s your opinion it’s pretty much not defamation, and it cannot really be seen as such. But the moral of that story is: trust your instincts, and if you get a sense that someone is going to go batshit insane, don’t work with them. What do you got to say, Metis?

Metis Black, in audience: I also want to say how quick the network of bloggers is…

Epiphora: I actually have another paragraph about that! Yeah. We talk to each other. Really quickly. And you may not see it — it may be in emails, it may be in a protected post — but it’s there, and we all know now that we are never working with you again.

Lorax: Our phones blow up.

Epiphora: And then when we review your toys, we have this weird, unnecessary anger, if you don’t know the story.

[audience laughs]

You’re like, “she seems kind of bitter about something, but okay.” So that’s how that goes down. So don’t agree to pre-screening, it’s stupid.

Jenna: You know what, I personally think all reviews are worthwhile, even if they are negative. Maybe someone found a toy too soft, or thought that it angled wrong; customers who are reading that are going to still take that information, and that’s good to know. Particularly for Tantus toys, which tend to be a higher price point.

There is nothing more heartbreaking for me when I’m answering the phone than someone calls up and says, “I saved for months to get this toy, I was so excited about it, and I got it and it was completely different than what I expected.” That’s so hard for me, ’cause I know what I would feel, and I’ve put myself in that position.

I work really hard to try to get a feel for what toys might be a hit with a particular reviewer. I was talking to Lorax and Piph last night, and they were kind of surprised to hear that I keep files on all of our affiliates…

Epiphora: I love this.

Jenna: I have a drawer full in my office where I keep…

Lorax: Like C.I.A. files.

Epiphora: It’s like a spy file.

Jenna: I call them the dossier. And basically, I list all the toys they’ve tried, things they like, what they don’t like, do they like anal toys. That’s part of my job, is to make sure that I’m trying to match the reviewer to the toy in the way that I can — now, it’s not to say that they’re gonna love it. But I at least make the effort and do it my best. You know, if they hate toys with texture, and I send them a Tsunami or something, then I shouldn’t expect a glowing review. That’s just dumb.

Epiphora: That sounds like you sent them a natural disaster.

[audience laughs]

Epiphora: That is a toy they make. It’s pretty cool.

Jenna: A lot of times we’ll do a promotion, and let affiliates know ahead of time. For example, next month the big promotion of our website is going to be anal toys. I have reviewers who do not test anal toys. So I’m not about to just send them an anal toy that they’re not even gonna use, because again that represents an investment for Tantus.

Lorax: I’ll take theirs.

Jenna: OK, good to know. They created this toy, and there’s a cost to that. So what I’m trying to do is get a return on that investment — and in a smart way that is going to build our business and grow our business.

I’m really hands-off when it comes to pre-screening. I don’t look at reviews. I check them over. I think I’ve only ever asked for one change, and it was a typo. We have a toy called the Anaconda, and someone called it the “Anacanda”… and I talked in a Boston accent for like a week and a half because I thought it was so funny. But she changed it.

I would be really wary of companies who want editorial rights. In a sense, bloggers are sort of the new journalists, and there’s a journalistic integrity that needs to be preserved there. So I’m gonna try and do my best to impress you, and I hope that this toy does. And if it does, great! And if not, then let’s try again and talk about it.

I’m also lucky in that I’ve never had anybody publish anything that I felt like was malicious. Do you know what I mean? Most of my reviewers are really intelligent and…

Epiphora: It’s because you treat them well.

Jenna: They’ve never done anything sort of underhanded.

Krista: Yeah, I would say that every time I send out a toy, it’s not for a guaranteed positive review. It’s for a review of the toy. And an honest review that’s gonna help someone else make an educated choice about whether that toy would work for them. And sometimes, that’s not just saying, you know, “oh, this was my experience with the toy,” it’s sometimes looking at the toy and saying, “what could someone else’s experience be with this product?”

But honesty is really what we’re going for in the exchange. We’re not paying people for a positive review. And I don’t pre-screen reviews. I’ve gotten negative reviews back, and we have a great return policy, so that’s the one thing I’ll say is, “if you didn’t like the toy, could you just mention we have this wonderful return policy?” So if someone still thinks they want to try this toy, they have the opportunity to return it and do better. Because I think we all have the same goal of really helping people make these decisions about what toys are gonna work best for them.

Epiphora: Yeah, ’cause what Jenna was saying, if someone hates something that you thought they would like, it really bothers you. That’s my nightmare: someone emailing me being like, “I just spent $100 on the Pure Wand and I actually think it’s the worst thing I’ve ever put in my vagina.”

Lorax: Sorry, Piph, that’s me.

Epiphora: Which, that’s not the worst thing you’ve put…

[audience laughs]

And you have the most articulate anti-Pure Wand review that’s ever been. But that’s my goal, is to be so honest, so ridiculously honest, that no one could ever get something they hate. Which, obviously it’s gonna happen, but it is a terrible thing.

Lorax: So, speaking of negative reviews…

Epiphora: Forever.

What if you’re going to hate a product and you know ahead of time? Do you still review it?

Lorax: So I’m actually gonna start off on this one, because this is where I have opinions.

There are definite times where you hate product or you don’t like a product, and you’re not sitting there going, “this product is AWFUL!” It’s more just like “you know, I don’t really like this, and it’s not really worth my time. I’m not full of vitriol and seething rage… it’s just sort of… white bread.” And those are times where you ask if you can pass.

Or I’ll tell a company my feedback and I’ll say, you know, maybe there’s a better option of a toy I can review. The dimensions on this are a little off, or the angle on it’s a little off, the texture’s a little off. But you have this other model that’s really similar; can I review that and maybe do a comparison? Say, you know, “hey, I got sent this and I was like ‘eh,’ but I got this other one and I was like ‘woo!’ And this is why. So make your selection between these two very similar toys based on that.” That’s not really censorship, like we talked about. It’s also really really fucking hard to write about something that you’re just blasé about.

Angry reviews are the easiest thing ever in the world to write. Sometimes you start writing it before you’ve even gotten the product.

Epiphora: Oh yeah. Oh, I’ve done that so many times. Let me critique your website, please.

Lorax: It happens. It’s really easy to just pour that vitriol out. Rave reviews can sort of go either way; they can be really easy to review if you want to sing from the rooftops that this is the best thing ever. But they can also be difficult to write because you’re like, “I love it! It’s great! Um… words…” Too-long-didn’t-read version is, “I love it, it’s great, go buy it… yeah.”

But there are times where you think, “I don’t like it. It’s awful. If this were food at a restaurant, I would send it back to the kitchen, walk out, and tell everyone I know and Yelp and call the local newspaper and get them shut down.” And those are the reviews that you write because you hate it. And I love those. So it’s amazing that Jenna ever wants to send me anything because I feel like I have the fear of God in me.

And because sometimes companies don’t actually test this shit on actual genitals. Fun fact.

Epiphora: You can tell.

Lorax: And sometimes they get suckered into their own junk science, and their charts and graphs and their pretty pictures… which mean nothing. I’ll admit to once or twice requesting a toy that I knew I was going to hate, because I had to tell the world it was horrid. And I wanted to set it on some train tracks and make a Vine of that shit getting run over by a train. You know, the world deserves to know, and I am not sorry about this. So, yeah. Sometimes, you hate some shit and that’s the way it goes, and obviously I have some feels on this shit.

Coyote Days, in audience: I’m just not super clear how you can write vitriolic hate about a product before you even have it.

Epiphora: Oh. Marketing…

Lorax: Color, design, website, marketing. They way they approach you, mansplanation. These sorts of things.

Coyote: What’s mansplanation?

Lorax: I’ll let Piph take the mansplanation question, ’cause she loves this shit.

Epiphora: I do love that word.

Lorax: Love, and I use that word quite wrongly.

Epiphora: I definitely can write shit before I’ve received the toy, because it’s not just…

Coyote: Before you’ve reviewed it?

Epiphora: Before I receive it. I’m saying, like, I look at the website, it’s gendered, it’s badly written, it’s ugly, and the way they’re marketing the toy concerns me. Maybe their Twitter account, something like that. So yeah, I definitely get a headstart there. It takes me a while once I get the toy, because I have to try it, and it’s a lot easier to write about writing than it is about a toy. But yes, all of it is kind of the entire package, I think.

Mansplanation, so… [laughs] mansplaining is when a dude tries to tell you, as a woman, how something is, when you actually know better because you’re a woman. And I do kind of use it very loosely, and potentially problematically, but I just think it’s a great word.

Lorax: “Oh, the world is so hard for you, you have a vagina! Let me tell you about the fact that I can’t get into a women’s-only space because I have a penis.”

Epiphora: Right. So, the way I apply it to this is that I get companies where, if I don’t like the toy, I know that if I email them and tell them that, they are going to mansplain to me. They’re going to say, “you know, there’s other settings on this toy. Did you know there’s another button there, and you hold it down for two seconds and something happens?”

Lorax: “You know, it’s an external toy, not an internal toy.”

Epiphora: Right. Or like, “maybe you should try a different position, you know?” Something like that. And I’m just like, I really don’t want to hear it, because nothing you tell me is going to make me do a 180 and suddenly love the toy. So if I get that sense about the company, I just won’t email them. I’ll just write the review. But companies that I do like, that are nice to me, if I have an issue, I will write to them and talk about it — because I feel like I’ll be heard and I won’t be shut down and I won’t be told that I’m somehow wrong.

So, this actually happened fairly recently with Krista because she sent me a Lovehoney rabbit and I just was so indifferent, so painfully indifferent about it. I was just starting to loathe the thought of reviewing it because it would’ve been boring for everyone. That’s what it comes down to. And so, I was talking to a [blogger] friend and my friend mentioned that she wanted to try this particular rabbit, and I was like, “um, I have an idea! Would you like this rabbit, and then you can email Krista and see if maybe she would let you review it, instead of me?” And somehow this was agreed to, so that worked out really well for everyone, I think.

Krista: Yeah. I mean, it’s about the communication.

Epiphora: It’s a weird reviewer thing.

Krista: That doesn’t happen every day, and they obviously had that connection. The review community’s pretty robust, as you can kind of tell from all the inside stuff that’s going on here. But yeah, I mean, when you have that kind of relationship between the company and the reviewer, and you can kind of communicate, and she can say to me, you know, “I actually don’t really love this toy, don’t really hate this toy, don’t really want to write about this toy, but I have an alternate solution,” and then I can say, “well, you were honest with me. I don’t want to force you to write about this toy.” We have kind of, you know —

Epiphora: We go way back.

Krista: We’ve had a lot of toys between us —

Epiphora: [laughs] That’s kind of weird.

Krista: — that I’ve sent out and she’s done a lot of reviews over the years for me, so just that one toy, you know, we can make the exception. If it was a reviewer where that was the only toy I’d ever sent them and they were like, “can I send this to my best friend?” Well, sure, if you’re going to post a review on your site, you can have whoever you want review it… but if you want to make a special situation like that, it’s just all about communicating and being open to different options when it’s not working out exactly how you would have hoped.

Lorax: So there’s another aspect of this that we get asked about a lot and it’s sort of the $10,000 question, or the $39,000 question, depending on how you look at it — and that’s the question of money.

Can you make money doing this? Can you actually pay your bills doing this? Are affiliate programs a necessary part of the equation?

Piph, I’ll let you kick this one off. I think you have feels.

Epiphora: I have many. I have many. My answer is gonna be kind of long about this, but that’s okay, I think. People always ask, “can you make money? Can you make money?” Well, you can, with the affiliate programs and advertising and stuff, but only if you’re realistic and you really put the work in. You can’t just set up a blog and put some links in it. If no one reads it, no one clicks the links, and you don’t make money.

So you have to be extremely persistent and you kind of have to become a trusted voice. You have to have a couple years, maybe, I’d say, under your belt before you start making affiliate money, just from my experience.

You shouldn’t do sex toy reviews for money. That shouldn’t be the reason. It should be because you love toys and you love to write. If it’s not, and it’s just the toys, you’ll end up quitting before you even get to the point where you start making money.

For me, though, because I’ve been doing this for a while, coming up on six years, I have made it my personal policy to almost never review for a company unless they have an affiliate program. Because for me, free sex toys are not payment enough anymore. Maybe when I started, it was exciting [laughs] and everything, but now, you know, I think that if I love something, I should get a percentage of the sales from that review where I freak the fuck out over how great something is. And orgasms can’t pay my rent…

Lorax: Or buy cat food.

Epiphora: Or buy cat food, or vet bills, or any of that — which I wish. People think that orgasms are so good that it makes up for everything or something, but it doesn’t.

So yeah, I think that if you want to work with reviewers, you should probably have an affiliate program — some sort of incentive program for the people you work with, to show that you value them beyond just the initial 800 words or whatever that they write about the toy.

So I have an example of a company that shut down their affiliate program, and the reason that they gave was kind of infuriating. So I’m actually just gonna read it, because it’s great. It says:

If we have to pay our customers to recommend us to their friends, then we probably don’t deserve that recommendation in the first place. In addition, the cost of managing and paying out on an affiliates program can alternately be invested back into our customers in the form of better promotions and sales.

So, this sounds good, right? Sort of, you’re kind of like, seems legit — but what they’re actually saying is that the customers matter but the people sending the customers, putting out the good word, doing their work for them in some cases, don’t matter. And they are misrepresenting what an affiliate program is, because it doesn’t pay for reviews — it just rewards them. So that is something that kind of bothered me. If you’re gonna shut it down, maybe just don’t even write about why, because there’s no real, good reason. But they tried to make it sound like it was for the good of everyone involved, even the affiliates, and I was like, “hmm. Interesting.”

Krista: Good answer, there. “We don’t have the resources.” Just leave it at that.

Epiphora: Yeah, just be super vague about it. Exactly.

Oh, and I did want to point out that if you can’t do an affiliate program for some reason, you know, there are other ways you can do things. Like you can set up a coupon code that’s specific to an affiliate, and then anyone who uses that code, the affiliate gets a percentage of the sales. Like, you pretty much can’t convince me that you can’t implement that. [laughs] The only way is if you don’t have a coupon code system, so… if you value us, you can do it.

Lorax: Krista? Or Jenna? Either of you, do you have anything to add?

Krista: Well, I’ve definitely encountered people who have contacted me and said, you know, said they don’t want to become an affiliate but they’re interested in reviewing a toy or a product maybe because they just need content for their site and they already have plenty of advertisers. They’re not trying to necessarily make money off of the review, but they want to talk about the toys.

So there are instances where someone might not be interested in an affiliate program, but we still go through the same kind of… if someone’s just, “I’m lazy, I don’t want to sign up for the affiliate program, but I want you to send me a toy, and look it, I’ve got a blog,” it just kind of makes you wonder how much effort they’re really gonna put in once they get that toy… and if they write a review, whether they’re going to follow through any further than that.

But for the most part, I mean, an affiliate program can really be incentive to keep going and I also think that, something that I’ve noticed — if you have a very focused idea about what your mission is, what you’re talking about on your blog, it might not even take those two years for you to build up that traffic. Like, there’s this site that some of you might have seen that’s called Oh Joy, Sex Toy… just came out within the last few months…

Epiphora: Yeah, she was like, successful immediately.

Krista: And immediate traffic.

Epiphora: ‘Cause people know who she is.

Krista: So if you have a background in something and you really focus what you’re good at, you know — don’t try to copy what Piph is doing, don’t say, “oh she’s successful, she’s doing it that way, I’ll do it.” Figure out what your passion is, and then you’re gonna enjoy doing it and people are going to come to see that.

Epiphora: And then buy shit. [laughs]

Jenna: You know, Tantus is kind of in a weird position when it comes to our affiliate program because 95% of our business or even more is the manufacturing concern: we make toys, we sell them to the trade, we sell them to the retail shops, and they sell those. The web store, which is kind of where the affiliate program is focused, really only represents a very small percentage of Tantus’ overall business. So it’s not a huge financial driver the way it would be for an ecommerce site.

And so for us, you know, an affiliate link is nice for me because it helps me track exactly what’s happening with bloggers. It’s an easy kind of metric to use. They’re making a lot of commission, it looks like, and so I know they’re bringing me a lot of traffic. We also pay very close attention to who’s sending us links and where people are clicking from.

So I have, honest, all the time on my screen, when I’m at work, 9 hours a day, the Google Analytics page with the live feed so I can see — if you hop onto the Tantus site, chances are, I’m getting a little light on your state showing me where you’re coming from, which is kinda cool. So I do sort of track that as well.

The reason we have a reviewer and affiliate program is kind of twofold. Number one, it allows us a huge testing ground for potential new colors, sizes, design… we get a lot of market information. It’s a way to build relationships with people who are thought leaders in these kinds of circles. We get great feedback. It’s one thing to send a toy out to somebody, but if they only tell me, “yeah it’s great, it’s wonderful, I used it with my wife and she loved it,” that’s not really helpful for me because our toys are intended to be anatomically targeted. Tell me how the toy worked for you and why it did, and a thoughtful review is really necessary. So that’s one reason we have this review/affiliate program at all.

I also think that it creates pull for our sales department. If customers are learning about Tantus and they’re reading reviews online, you know, they’re doing research before they buy. Then they go into their local brick and mortar and they say, “hey, do you guys carry Tantus?” And the store owner says, “no, I’ve never heard of them, maybe I should get in touch with them. People are coming in and they’re saying ‘Tantus Tantus Tantus Tantus…’” So, for me, that’s even more valuable necessarily than even just the affiliate program. Metis did you…

Metis Black, in audience: Bringing it down to about 1% of our sales come from our website. It’s really a testing thing for us to see what colors are hot, what sizes are hot, and get more spec data than we do when a buyer is buying. Case in point: Good Vibrations, we used to make a mint color that Epiphora would have loved…

Epiphora: Would’ve.

Lorax: It was so gorgeous!

Metis: And Good Vibrations chose Silks in this lavender and this green and the green made the top ten of our list of the time because they were buying so much. So, buyer’s choice can skew what we have a success with.

The other thing that I wanted to say is, I hope and I try in social media… if Good Vibrations had had someone review a Tantus toy, I want to plug them, I want that affiliate program to succeed, and I want to send that — whether it’s Lovehoney or Good Vibrations or whoever — I want that review to be seen by more and more people… as many people as can possibly be seen.

Epiphora: Yeah, I’m always surprised that manufacturers don’t jump on that shit.

Jenna: I do!

Epiphora: You’re one of the only ones, though.

Krista: I can say it’s interesting for the company in that regard, because sometimes you have, from people higher up, they say, you know, “we don’t want you to be tweeting everybody’s affiliate link; those people are supposed to be going out and finding new people, not tapping into our community.” But I’m of the same way, I’ve always felt like, these guys are making reviews for us. They’re creating content about our products. We want to support that and retweet and all those things, but sometimes you have the official protocol of the Twitter or whatever it is that says you can’t do that so much because we don’t want everyone to think we’re… we don’t want to send links away as much.

But as a manufacturer in that situation where you’re working with a retailer as well, you’re just trying to get that name out there. So we kind of have lots of layers: you have manufacturers, you have retailers, you have the bloggers, reviewers…

Lorax: And so we’ve got one more question for us up here on the table before we open it up for the rest of you. And that is, so we as bloggers and reviewers, we get readership, right? We also get free products — sometimes it lasts through the testing process and sometimes we cut it open to see what’s on the inside because science!

But what do the companies get? And why should these two wonderful people here sitting at the table — why should they even bother sending stuff to us? Why do that?

Krista: Well, I think a lot of it is the word of mouth that we’re just talking about. It’s getting those links out there, kind of boosting the SEO, the Google seeing your links out there in the world, seeing people talking about the products. Getting the feedback. On Lovehoney, we have a huge resource of reviews. We want people to review our products. We really do want people to make educated choices. And reaching out to the community and people who are really knowledgeable about these toys to give their feedback helps us all get to the point where we’re finding what we really want in the first place. So I think it’s just getting that word of mouth out, because a lot of the toy companies don’t necessarily do a lot of paid advertising, and so this is a way for us to really get word of mouth out that’s more authentic.

Epiphora: Slightly more genuine, yeah. I mean, the obvious stuff, of course, is the companies get publicity, they get their name out there, people see it, they get links. But what a lot of companies don’t understand, or believe, I suppose, is that even a negative review is driving traffic to their site. I’ve seen the referring URLs. I’ve seen them! Well, I try to. Some companies won’t show them to me. But I want to know which review led to a sale. And it’s the same: negative, positive, it’s all going to the same place.

And the reason is, I think, a person is reading a sex toy review because they want to buy a sex toy! And they’re gonna read it and go, “huh, well that one sucks… but this other thing that’s also on this website doesn’t look like it sucks.” Or maybe I’ve recommended something else instead of the toy. So they’re still gonna buy a sex toy, it’s just not going to be the one that I just massacred in front of their face. So yeah, I think it’s bullshit when they’re just like, “well, negative reviews don’t get us any traffic; no one buys from us from that.” It’s a lie.

Lorax: Jenna?

Jenna: So what does Tantus get out of reviews? I’m gonna kind of veer off Tantus script, if you don’t mind, Metis, because it’s kind of a personal answer. You know, I love retail, I love the pace of that, sort of making my goals, and being financially successful. But really, at heart, I want to start a revolution. I think there’s a lot of really damaging and negative messaging about sex in this culture. I hear from people every single day who are ashamed about their sex lives, or think that they don’t deserve pleasure, that their sex life is not working for them, and that’s just the way it is, and they give up. That has an effect on people, and I hear it in our voices. I hear all kinds of stories. Come sit down at the bar afterward and I’ll tell you all about it.

[audience laughs]

I have a great job in the world because I get to spend 40 hours a week talking about the importance of good sex education, and ways to improve access to medically accurate sexual health information. For some people who call me, I am their only resource for sex ed information. You know, it’s one thing to be in L.A. or New York and have access to really great shops. But what if you’re out in rural West Virginia or northern Idaho, and there’s no sex stores around, and you don’t know who to ask, and your doctor is not willing to answer your questions — and heavens, if you even ask them, they’d think you’re some sort of crazy weirdo? I have people tell me all the time that they are just so isolated where they’re at.

So again, I think that what I do is part of a larger movement, and I’m really excited at the prospect of a culture where pleasure-based sex is okay, and I look forward to seeing that world someday. I’m really hoping that we do. Tantus is on board with this in a way that I haven’t seen other places. Tantus sends out toys because it’s important to educate people on what makes a sex toy great: quality materials, thoughtful design, but also commitment to this idea that everybody deserves sexual health and sexual pleasure, and you can have both. And that is your birthright. And that you deserve both.

[awed silence]

Lorax: Yeah.

Epiphora: [laughs]

Krista: I just got chills.

Lorax: Shit.

[audience laughs]

Lorax: Damn.

So in today’s modern world, you know, linking is important. Krista mentioned SEO and Google Analytics, that sort of thing. You have to have an online presence if you want to make it in this world as a retailer, if you want to make it in this world as a company, as a manufacturer. You have to, or you are going to die in a fiery pit of death. So web presence is important — Google PageRank, all of that.

But more than that, we get the discussion out there. Krista mentioned, you know, sometimes people say, “oh, well, we’re not here to push their affiliate codes. They’re supposed to be helping us get a new audience.” Well, so the people who follow — we’ll use Lovehoney for an example. People who follow Lovehoney on Twitter, yeah, they already know about Lovehoney. But they don’t know about all the products and all of the toys… they don’t have an encyclopedic knowledge of this. So they’ll see a review come by and they’ll be like, “oh, hey! That’s really helpful.” That helps you get more information.

Also, I’ve had people say, “hey, I saw this review about this toy and I thought of you. And I thought you’d love it.” Or, “I thought you’d hate it and you’d want to rip it a new one.” Either way, you get people who will then refer somebody who doesn’t already know about it. Somebody will email it, somebody will tweet it, somebody will retweet it, and then you are accessing a whole ‘nother audience that you didn’t have before. So that’s really important.

I work in a retail environment, and for me, reviewers are priceless. That’s how I get product knowledge information that is not canned from a company. I can talk all day about what Company X and Company Y tells me about their new, amazing, revolutionary, groundbreaking, never-before-seen three-ring circus of a toy. But how does it actually perform in the real world?

I send customers constantly to Epiphora’s site. Especially gentlemen I send to RuffledSheets.com, an amazing gentleman out of the U.K. who is one of the few male reviewers out there really doing this. And that’s a voice that’s not being heard. So that’s a really important thing. That, to me, is priceless.

And, you know, it goes to the usefulness of a toy, and helps people know if something is actually a poor performer in real life. It may be endorsed by Oprah Magazine, and you may have seen it on Sex and the City, and the Real Housewives of What’s-it-Who, and all of this stuff. But what does that mean? That means they have good product placement and they’ve got a good PR manager. That doesn’t speak to the toy. And anyone who is unwilling to flat-out provide gratis for me to review a toy, and insists that the only means for me to review your product is to buy it myself? You’re getting the side-eye. I don’t trust that. And it makes me wonder why — what don’t you want me to know? What don’t you want me to say about your product? At least for me, that’s a big thing.

So, we would like to open up the floor to some questions, so that we can hear if there’s anything that we didn’t say that y’all want to hear! Or if you just want to hear more funny weird stories from us.

Attendee, in audience: I have a question for Krista and Jenna. Beyond a review relationship, can you offer suggestions on starting maybe a sponsorship relationship for events, or a web series, or that sort of thing?

Krista: From my experience, it really is going to depend on the company and where they’re at. A lot of the companies, for example Lovehoney, we don’t do any paid sponsorships. So going in, you just know that that’s not an option. But there are smaller companies that might be putting a lot more into an advertising budget and might be a better fit for something like that. Unfortunately we just don’t do that type of sponsorship.

Jenna: Generally speaking, we have a really small, sort of nascent marketing department. We’ve only had it maybe the last year and a half. And for a long time it was me — I was the marketing department. We’re lucky enough now to have a staff of three. We don’t do a lot of financial sponsorship of things, only because we’re a small company and we don’t have very big budgets.

But if you’re looking for something like, you know, toys for a giveaway, you want to run a contest, you want free Tantus buttons and stickers to give out at an event, you want information, you want those kinds of things — I’m absolutely happy to try and help support events that kind of fall within our values and guidelines. Generally, there’s not really a policy on this, but basically come talk to me and we’ll see what we can do. I can’t promise anything huge, but certainly if you’re looking for things like raffle prizes, contests, we’d like to do a giveaway on our website, absolutely. We can usually manage that.

Metis: And universities.

Jenna: Yeah, universities. I’m sending a whole bunch of stuff to Harvard. Our toys are going to college!

[audience laughs]

Krista: In that case, you know, you just want to do the same kind of type of professional outreach. Even if you don’t know what they have to offer, be flexible. If you have different options, maybe you could use just a toy donation… just kind of reach out and say what you have to offer, what you have in mind, and be flexible to negotiate — to get something out of it for everybody.

Jenna: And if you can give me a reason why you’re choosing Tantus and not… I can tell the emails where they’re just calling every toy manufacturer in the phone book, and the emails where they’re actually interested in Tantus because of what we do, and what we do differently than other companies. And that’s where you get my heart.

Penny: I have a question for everyone about the idea of affiliate link loyalty. Say one manufacturer or one company sends you the the toy. Is it okay to include multiple links to different affiliates?

If it’s a manufacturer it seems like it would make more sense and that’s more okay, because they just want the toys out there. But if it’s a retailer, do you need to be loyal or not? Where’s the line there?

Lorax and Epiphora in unison: Um.

Epiphora: I have things.

Lorax: I have things.

[rock paper scissors twice, both a draw]

Epiphora: That is the kind of thing I think you should talk about with the company. If a manufacturer is sending you something, yeah, it sounds like you should be able to link wherever. But, you know, if you think it’s a possibility that they would misunderstand this, and they would be like “sorry, you need to just link to our website where there’s no affiliate program” — like, that’s a problem for me. So if I’m reaching out to a manufacturer, I let them know, “I do want to review this, but I’m going to be linking to affiliate shops that I’m with, because you don’t have a program.” Yeah, I wouldn’t quite assume. And then if a shop sends you one, usually it’s just shop links is what you can only use in that review.

Lorax: In my experience, I have a personal rule I do hold: if somebody sends me a product, and I have an active relationship with that company — footnote — I do hold to linking to products through their store, unless I am recommending something that they do not carry.

Epiphora: Yeah, it sucks.

Lorax: Those of you who read my blog, or if you read my blog later, you will see I’m a big proponent of oil-based lubricant for butt fun. Many of the so-called feminist sex-positive sex stores do not carry oil-based lubricants because they’ve been very vagina-centric, and oil-based lubes are not the friend of the vagina. Which is totally cool, but when I’m talking about, you know, Tantus’ amazing butt plug that I really love, and I want to tell people this is my favorite lube to use with it — I can’t necessarily link to the company or the store that sent that toy to me for my lube reference.

And so I will tell them, “hey, all the links for everything else are going to be to you, but I’m gonna link to these other people for this one product because I have to. Because you don’t carry it.” And that also tells them, “hey, you should carry this shit.”

My footnote on that being “active relationship”: I have been sent toys that were in my review queue that I was interested in reviewing, and in that time period between, that relationship has dissolved for various reasons. At that point, I treat that toy as if I have purchased it of my own money and my own volition, and I link to whoever the fuck I want to.

Epiphora: Go rogue.

Lorax: That is me going with either who has the best selection, who gives me the best kickback, who do I like this week…

Epiphora: I think another good solution to that is have reviews of all the shit you wanna link to. That works out for me!

Lorax: Well that’s you because you’ve been around for like, six years. And we love you for it.

Epiphora: I really like Sliquid lube, and so I just wrote this post that was like, “my favorite lube is Sliquid anything,” right? And I wrote it, honestly, mostly so I could link to it. Because whenever I talk about lube, I just link to it. You can connect the dots. So then I don’t have to link to a shop, and they can find out why I specifically like the lube.

Joan Price, in audience: You haven’t mentioned advertisers as an alternative to affiliates.

Epiphora: Advertisers are a totally different thing, yeah.

Lorax: You have no scruples with taking advertising.

Epiphora: I don’t. Mostly my policy is: I will sell my soul for sidebar advertising, but the content is sacred. Unfortunately, I wish I could take money just from really great reputable companies, you know, and put those in my sidebar, but that’s just not how it is. A lot of the companies who are spending the money are new, and they don’t know what they’re doing. And I’m happy to take their money, because I think people aren’t clicking those ads, honestly… if you want the truth. People are clicking the links in the reviews, and the things in the posts and on the website.

I don’t know. It’s a kind of awkward area, because you want to be like, “it’s all good toys, all the time” on this website. But you’ve got to make money somehow. One of my goals is definitely to never have to have advertising partnerships with people I don’t really like that much… but not yet.

Lorax: I don’t do much by way of paid advertising… for that reason. My sidebar I do use for my affiliate links and that sort of thing. I’ve had one or two people approach me about advertising, and I made the judgement call at that point, with the way that I have designed my site, that text links don’t flow well with it for me. And I’m not really willing to put a full sidebar button up for somebody that I don’t stand behind. And that’s my personal decision.

Does it mean that I don’t make money on my site? Fuck yeah it does. I don’t have to pay taxes based on revenue from my site because I don’t make much off my site. And I’m okay with that. Like Piph said earlier, don’t do this because you want to get rich off dildos. You’re not gonna be a dillionaire doing this.

[audience laughs]

Like, you’re just not. This is because you love giving out good sex ed information. This is because you love toys. This is possibly because you love writing… sometimes you realize you didn’t really love writing.

Epiphora: Yeah…

Lorax: This is because you have a passion to be on that soapbox and to be spreading that information and that truth, and that love or that vitriol. And that’s why you do this.

Joan: If I could just offer something from my experience. I work with a set of advertisers whose sites I endorse and that I vetted, but I also will go approach companies that I like. “You know, you should really be advertising on my blog, because it reaches this demographic that you need.” And nine times out of ten they’ll say no, or “not at this time.” But then the tenth time, there’s a yes. So we don’t have to patiently wait for people to come to us.

Epiphora: Right. I mean, I think I would do that if a company didn’t have an affiliate program. But if they do, I already have their banner. If I’m doing it of my own free will, putting it there, then I don’t know if I’ll make any more money from a flat rate. ‘Cause someone could go and buy $500 worth of sex toys in one sitting… and I want that to happen.

Lorax: We have time for one more question.

Lyndzi: How long would you say… I assume when you started your websites, you were reviewing toys that you already owned.

How long would you say that you reviewed toys that you already owned, or went out and bought new toys, before you actually started using it as more as a business, that you were getting things in return?

Lorax: I started off posting about toys that I had, and posting informational content. I do not just post reviews. I also post… I have an epic lube post. If you want to read about lube, if you love lube, please go read it. Not tooting my own horn, but it’s about lube and it’s great. It gets linked to a lot. I’m big about the education aspect. So for me, I also write about: I’m kinky, I am part of the BDSM community, I used to be an active part of the leather community — I’m not, I write about that too and why. So for me, and for what I’ve seen with people in my vein, it’s less about how many reviews you’ve done, and active content and active engaging.

I also had… a little bit of a background… I used to make a thing that were called “zines”…

[audience laughs]

Lorax: They were these paper things and you Xeroxed them, and you stapled them and folded them, and you handed them out at your local punk rock venues. And I used to have a zine in which I wrote about this stuff, back in the day of paper. And so I had a little bit of a background there, which I feel like helped get my foot in the door.

Epiphora: Yeah, I’m totally different. This is wonderful. I actually started getting them for free. However, that’s not really how it happens a lot now. ‘Cause it used to be, there was kind of a time when —

Lorax: It was the Golden Era of Sex Toys.

Epiphora: It was like “dildos, for everyone! You can all have them!”

Lorax: “Dildos for everyone!” It’s like Oprah.

Epiphora: So I was kind of spoiled at the beginning, although I did review crappier things then, right, like lower price point things that I probably wouldn’t want to try now. Also because I didn’t have a lot of experience, so those were all still new to me and exciting. Like, “oh a slimline vibe that’s plastic, that’s awesome!” Now I’m like, “no.”

So then I just started working with a bunch of different companies. Again, it was a good time for that, to get in with the companies. Now I think it’s a lot more difficult. But if you have stuff, you should definitely review it. And if you don’t, you should spend a little bit of money. And yeah, pad it out maybe with some other stuff. You do have to spend a little bit more up front, I think, now if you’re starting out now. Because there’s not these programs that there used to be. But you can get lucky sometimes! So just send the emails and see what happens.

Lorax: And write about why you want to do this. Write about what your angle is, if you’ve got a unique angle and you’ve got a unique community that you’re coming from, definitely give that…

Epiphora: Yeah. Use that shit all the time. I don’t have one, so.

Attendee, in audience: I have a question for you two [Krista and Jenna]. What you were just talking about. I have some very nice — thank you for the Realdoe, by the way. Well, no, you didn’t give it to me, but thank you for producing that. But, you know, so I’m going to work on those reviews. I don’t know who’s looking at my blog. I’ve been blogging for about a year. I have a very modest number of Twitter followers at this time.

How do you take that into consideration when you’re looking at potential people? Do you look at their Twitter followers? Is there a way to figure out who’s looking at their blog?

Krista: I kind of look at everything. Like, how often do you blog? So it’s not super often, but is it consistent? Do you seem legit? If you send me a link to your site and it has three posts, and you tell me you have six thousand followers, and I can’t find any of that in the real world, then I’m skeptical.

But at the same time, like Piph said, we usually have a range of products. Somebody who is just getting started might not be in the running for a $150 sex toy, but if you just want to try something new, usually there is kind of some wiggle room there. And if it looks like you’re gonna stick with it, and you’re not just a flash in the pan, then you know, we’re kind of willing to grow with you.

Jenna: And I would say all of that as well as, again, I look for that core values sort of fit. You know, I’d be willing to send a toy — try it out, see what you think, write a review, see if we’re getting some traffic for that, and we’ll go from there.

Krista: It can happen with somebody who’s established that you think they’re never gonna disappear. Those people will disappear too after you send them a toy. So every time it’s a gamble. But just show that you’re actually taking it seriously and that it’s something that you are putting some effort into and being honest about timelines and things like that.

I wanted to say, also: take the toys that you get at this conference and review them, and then get back in touch with those companies. Because that’s why they’re here! And if you say “I got your We-Vibe Thrill and I reviewed it, and here it’s on my site,” you’re starting a relationship with that company. And when they come out with the We-Vibe 5, you might be on their list if they really enjoyed your review. And it’s not just the traffic that came to your site — maybe they can reprint some of that on their own site, and give that insight out to other people.

Epiphora: Yeah, make the connections early and keep them. And if you like someone, stay with them.

Lorax: I believe that is our time. Thank you, everyone! Please do come talk to us, we don’t bite unless you ask.

So let’s start with the basics, the four main types of lube: water-based, silicone-based, hybrid, and oil-based. Water-based lubes are going to be the most versatile of the bunch. Water based lubes come in a wide variety of textures, from thin and watery (perfect for masturbation sleeves and donning male chastity devices ), through ones which mimic natural body fluids, to thick and gel-like (good for toys and butt play as they provide more cushion and stay-put better). Water-based lubes will absorb into the body and/or dry during use, but a quick spritz of water or a little saliva will quickly revitalize them ((This is where you can use spit for lube, because you’re not really using to for lube, just to reactivate it)). Water-based lubes can also be found in warming/cooling formulas for those who like a little more sensation in the mix, and this is also where most flavoured lubes are as well. I’m particularly fond of the Sliquid Sea or Oceanics for my all-purpose lube, and the Sizzle or Sensation for a warming/cooling (which I feel as cooling). Good Clean Love makes my favourite water-based gel style lube, hands-down. Flavours have never really been my thing, but I will say that the Sliquid Swirl lubes are the best I’ve found, the Green Apple and Cherry Vanilla both being almost tasty enough to consider putting atop ice cream. Fun fact- the Swirl flavours were originally based off Jolly Rancher candy flavours.

Silicone lubes are super long-lasting, uber-slick, waterproof workhorses of the lube world. These also come in a few textures, though not as wide a variety as found in water-bases. Also used by latex enthusiasts to aid in wearing as well as to shine skin-tight latex attire, a little bit goes a lo–ng way with these. The caveat with silicone lubes though is an important one- silicone lube is NOT compatible with silicone toys. Like dissolves like, and nothing is sadder than your favorite toy going weird ((A few high-end silicone toy manufacturers have come out to say that their toys are compatible with specific brands/formulas of silicone lube. I’ve seen strange things happen with silicone-on-silicone action so try that at your own risk)). How to tell if your lube is silicone? Look for product names like “platinum” or “silver”, and ingredients that end in -cone. Not sure about your toys? You can always cover a toy in a condom (unlubed, most condoms these days are lubricated with silicone lube unless specifically marked as water-based), tie the condom off over the base, and you’ll be safe. Silicone lubes are taste-less, though the texture can be pretty strange in the mouth. I say it’s like eating butter, but apparently that idea is gross to a lot of people? So maybe it’s more like a spoonful of olive oil. That sounds pretty naff to me too, really. It coats your mouth in a strange way that I don’t like, but apparently some folk do. I was a silicone lube devotee for most of my sexually active life, that was until I discovered better butt lube (more on that in a few paragraphs). The Pjur Gel was my favourite silicone lube for a long time, but the newer ÜberLube has become just as much of a go-to lately. Just be careful, silicone lubes can be super slippery so spills and dribbles on a hard floor can be dangerous, and if you have round twisty style doorknobs, you can get locked on the wrong side of the door. Not that I’d know anything about that…

Hybrid lubes are the most relatively new lubes on the market, though they’ve been around for a while now. These are a creamy blend of water-based lube with a small amount of silicone blended in to create a very soft and smooth lube experience. Often labeled as “silk” lubes, they were originally created with treating vaginal-dryness in mind. While these do contain a small amount silicone, they are generally safe with silicone toys due to the process of combining with the water-base, however you can use a condom over the toy if you are uncertain. Unfortunately, hybrid lubes often have a very bitter acrid taste to many individuals. I’ve never been a huge fan of these, though I know many who absolutely swear by them. Liquid Silk was probably the most widely recognised hybrid lube until it was taken off the US market in the mid-aughts, and also the worst tasting of the lot. I’ve found the Sliquid Organics Silk to be the “best” tasting hybrid I’ve tried to-date, but that’s not to say that it still doesn’t taste weird and numb my tongue a little.

Oil-based lubes are also super long-lasting like silicone lubes. They don’t dry out, and they are nice and slick against the skin. Oil lubes can cause some issues with vaginas, clogging pores for some or altering the pH which can lead to infection. Oil lubes are also a no-go with latex and polyisoprene (condoms, gloves, oral dams, inflatable toys) but can be safely used with FC2, nitrile gloves, polyurethane condoms and/or polyurethane dams. Oil based lubes might not be good for vaginas, but they are just dandy with butts and penises and toys and for eternal-plumbing masturbation. Anal fisting? Oil lubes are one of the best-ever things for it. There’s a reason all those crisco-as-lube jokes exist! (Please stick with actual sex lube though and leave the butter, olive oil, peanut butter, nutella, and even coconut oil in the kitchen.) Butt toys and anal sex? Oil lubes eclipse water-bases by far, particularly since most good butt toys are silicone the use of silicone lubes is out of the question without condom-ing the toy, which doesn’t always work depending on shape/size/style. Oil lubes also come in a variety of sensations including warming (with capsaicin or menthol) and cooling (with menthol). I personally have switched over to using oil based cream lubes for anal play almost exclusively now, and my rear end is so much happier (and greedier) for it. What once was an impossible or uncomfortable toy suddenly becomes my butt’s best friend, with a good cream lube. I’m partial to Elbow Grease or Slam Dunk, but other friends of mine are Boy Butter fans. Oil-based cream lubes (sometimes called fisting lube or male-masturbation cream) can be trickier to find sometimes, as many of the woman-oriented boutique shops don’t carry them. You’ll want to check gay-male oriented shops or places geared toward the Leather community.

So now that we’ve covered the basics a few quick notes about some ingredients to watch out for. This is where the “paraben-free” and “glycerin-free” labeling comes into play. First up- parabens. Parabens are a common preservative used in more products than you probably realise. Recent studies have caused a critical eye to be turned toward them, enough that several countries in the EU have actually banned their use in consumer products. The studies in question seem to indicate that high levels of parabens have been found present in women with breast cancer, though a direct link has not yet been established. This uncertainty has led many companies to take a more cautious approach and remove parabens from their products, and many consumers are seeking paraben-free cosmetics, personal care products, and lube. Some people also have contact sensitivities to body products containing parabens.

Glycerin is a sugar-alcohol (a type of sugar derivative) and is a common ingredient in A LOT of water-based lubricants. Glycerin has long be the go-to ingredient for water-based lubes to create long-lasting lubrocity. Glycerin and other sugar derivatives are also common sweeteners for many flavored lubes. Unfortunately, glycerin and other sugar derivatives will often cause problems for many women, especially those who are prone to UTI’s and yeast infections.

Just when I thought my guide through lube-lane was finished, I realised I’ve left out two important things: desensitising lube, and the weird powdered lubes. Shit. Ok…

Desensitising lubes are a thing that exists but which I will very very rarely suggest to anyone. You’ll find them in pretty much all the lube categories. They generally are made with benzocaine or lidocaine in them, which is the same stuff that you find in sunburn spray, treatments for teething baby’s gums, and some sore-throat lozenges. While OK in small doses, large amounts of these ingredients can be pretty risky to your health. Desensitising lube also prevents you from feeling pain, discomfort, and much of anything (same goes for any bodypart which your partner may insert into your numbing-lubed orifice). Pain and discomfort is an important signal from your body which should be paid attention to, not covered up. When do I think that these lubes are acceptable to use? A few specific instances: either when someone has a wonky nerve ending that, despite Doing It Right, prevents them for having enjoyable penetration (at which point apply the numbing agent just to that area), OR for people who are experienced in Doing It Right and are using the numbing agent as a sensation-play tool. That’s pretty much it.

This last one is weird, and there’s no other way to put it. Powdered. Lube. This is something that unless you’re part of the Leather community, gay-male community, or in the livestock veterinary business, you’ve probably never heard of or seen. Up until recently there was only one powdered lube on the market- J-Lube. J-Lube, originally a veterinary lubricant for birthing livestock, is a powdered lube that you concoct at home and allows you to make literally gallons of lube incredibly cheaply and to your personal preference. This is hands-down the single most slippery stuff on the planet, and also the stringiest thing I’ve ever encountered in my life ((Seriously, pizza cheese can’t even hold a candle to this stuff. I often wonder if it’s what they use in movies to make gut-slime and monster-snot.)). J-Lube completely not-vagina friendly due to being primarily sucrose, it is however great for extreme anal play. For a while I’d seen a new powdered lube popping up on shelves- Fist Powder, which from what I can tell is similar to J-Lube. I’ve not tried it, but the Mr. S folk say seem to think it’s superior to J-Lube. Interesting! There’s even a new vulva-friendly powdered lube from a company in Germany, called X Lube. Gotta say I’m lovin’ on the X Lube right now- it mixes up super easily so all you need to do is add some powder to a water-bottle, shake, and go!

So there you go. A lot of the things you wanted to know, and a few things you probably didn’t, about lube. There is so much more which can still be said about lube and comparisons to be made, but I’ll save that for another time. Of course individual reviews of my favourites are a given as well. If you made it all the way to the end of this give yourself a pat on the back, a gold star, or an extra jerk-off session. You deserve it. That was a lot.

I’m a raver, for those of you who don’t follow my twitter feed. I also work to make raves a safer environment through my association with Stay Safe Seattle, a risk-reduction group who strives to educate and help people make the most informed decisions with regard to drug and alcohol use, as well as safer sex. This weekend we have the first of a series of training sessions to update all our lovely volunteers on the newest information available. I have been asked to teach the safer-sex portion of this, being the self-proclaimed kinky-raver that I am. I’ll be teaching our volunteers about safer-sex for themselves, as well as how to talk about it with those who come up to our booth for information and supplies.

I’m re-compiling my list of safer-sex resources. A lot of what I have isn’t perfect, but is useful (SF City Clinic’s risk chart, and the AIDS Committee of Toronto are two of my favourites). I’m curious what you think are things that folk often aren’t told, what you weren’t told or had to learn for yourself, that I should include? What are your favourite safer-sex practice links, bloggers, and resources? I am particularly looking for queer- and kink-related resources and questions, as these are the things which our volunteers are lacking in information on currently.

It was an interesting watch. The DVD consists of a live filming of Dr. Carol Queen answering questions as part of a call-in radio programme, interspersed with sex scenes including such fine folk as Jiz Lee, Dylan Ryan, and Mickey Mod. The scenes are a nice combination of queer, solo, and hetero, and are overall rather hot. They all prominently feature G-Spot stimulation and female ejaculation, as is to be expected. Also included as “special features” are cast interviews, an in-depth interview with Dylan Ryan and Mickey Mod, G-Spot Myths with Dr. Queen, and Sheri Winston’s sildeshow on female anatomy, G-Spot location/stimulation & female ejaculation.

First, the radio-show portion of the DVD. This is the educational portion of the movie, by and large. Now, I’m a G-Spot novice- I have spent much of my sexual life keeping my partners fingers and toy manipulations away from my G-Spot on threat of being kicked in the head. I feel like I’m exactly the target audience for this DVD, yet I was underwhelmed by the information put forth. Dr. Queen answered the questions wonderfully and helpfully, don’t get me wrong, though I felt that the questions that she is asked and the information they allow her to share on the DVD were things I already knew, or had learned via reading Cosmo and Maxim. Perhaps I’m more advanced than they had in mind when making this movie, even with my G-Spot novice status. I found myself easily bored and awaiting the next break so I could enjoy more hot scenes.

The sex scenes on this disc is rather nice. I’m a big fan of queer porn when I watch non-kink porn. This certainly sated that appetite, without going to a place where more vanilla minded folk would be turned off. I was particularly fond of Jiz Lee‘s solo scene. I liked that this was one of the few scenes which didn’t rely primarily on the Pure Wand (not that I have anything against the toy)- rather they used an assortment of toys including a rather alluring glass piece which I understand was a custom design. I now covet that bit of glass, and wish I could find something similar for myself. The interview they give in the “special features” portion of the disc is also rather insightful and amusing.

The “special features” are interesting. I loved the cast interviews where they share their thoughts about what is required for them to enjoy G-Spot stimulation, what their preferences are, and personal feelings around squirting. I found these interviews to be more educational than Dr. Queen’s segments in the main portion of the DVD. Dylan Ryan and Mickey Mod have an extended interview which is a combination of thoughts and discussion over their scene from the movie, and Dylan Ryan’s personal experience and description of being able to ejaculate. The slideshow which is also a part of the “special features” however, left me less than impressed. With phrases such as “sacred elixir” to describe female ejaculate and “mound of venus” to describe the mons pubis, it felt a bit gimmicky and odd to me. Again it seemed like information I already knew, and that if someone were looking for a DVD such as this they too likely would already know.

The final offering of the “special features” is a mythbusting section by Dr. Queen which I found to be the most educational and useful. She goes over some anatomy but does so in such a way that really does cover some material that not everyone would know, and she covers the analogous anatomy on male-bodied individuals. The myths she goes over are helpful, and her answers are more in-depth than those of the call-in section of the DVD. I particularly enjoyed her discussion of the various forms of the female orgasm and the suspected neurology behind them. She also covers some suggestions for G-Spot toys, and actually shows the toys rather than just describing them, which I really liked.

Overall, the DVD was entertaining, sexy, and somewhat educational. I feel like this DVD could be much more useful to a wider audience than it is, perhaps a second edition with a bit of a materials tweak? As it is, this is a great video for those who know nearly nothing about the G-Spot, or perhaps for introducing a partner to the idea of G-Spot play and/or ejaculation. If the educational aspect is the icing on the cake for you, the scenes are sexy and hot, and for me they combined with the interviews really made up for the shortcomings of the call-in portion of the DVD. In fact, the more I think about it the more I wish that the call-in portion was the “special feature” and that the mythbusting segment was the main educational body. That would change this from a decent movie and resource into a pretty-darn-good one.

Again, thanks to the wonderful people over at Good Vibrations for the opportunity to watch and review this movie! Want more information on the G-Spot or need help picking out a toy? Check out Good Vibes’ G-Spot & Female Ejaculation Education page. Also, just in case ordering a DVD isn’t your thing, GUSH The Official Guide to the G-Spot and Female Ejaculation is also available as a download as an mp4 for iTunes ready download, as well as Windows Media download, Stream-to-Own, and Pay-Per-Minute. Isn’t technology great sometimes?

The dictionary definition, according to Merriam-Webster is

2: relating to, having, or appealing to unconventional tastes especially in sex; also : sexually deviant

I’d say that this is somewhat in-line with my own personal definition of kinky. I do consider myself kinky- I enjoy and am aroused by things which are not conventionally considered sex or sexual. I go farther than the furry handcuffs and the little slap and tickle which is socially acceptable to portray in sitcoms on television. I have fantasies which I would some day like to enact that would have my therapist squirm. I like to watch. I like to be watched. I like to be scared and to transmute pain into pleasure. I enjoy many facets of BDSM. I’d say that I am most definitely kinky.

What Crista mentions in her post about others placing the mantle of kinky on her brings up a good point. When someone enjoys sex toys, is kink-aware and kink-accepting, does this make them kinky? By today’s standards I’d say no, but that may be because I spend my time with a lot of REALLY kinky people. I look at it much as I look at the progression of envelope-pushing in present day pornography. Go back ten-twenty years and someone who engaged in anal sex was considered kinky. Buttsecks was the envelope-push in mainstream porn. Now? It’s pretty much a given that it’ll be in most videos, even if they aren’t butt themed.

As our society progresses (well, in certain parts of the country at least) what is considered out of the ordinary and thus kinky changes. There was a time when talking openly about liking and using toys would fall under my definition of kinky, but today? It’s sex-positive, it’s sexy, and it’s awesomepants, but is it kinky? Notsomuch, at least in my book.