It all began on April Fools Day, at least for most of us. My colleagues and I awoke on the most distrustful day of the year to an email from from “lifestyle-brand” sex utensil manufacturer Lelo announcing Hex, a “revolutionary” new condom. I was, understandably, skeptical but reliable sources reported that no, despite the unfortunate (and somewhat foreshadowing) name it was legit. Lelo was trying something new. Questions abounded: What was going to be different? Will there finally be more non-latex options? Had Lelo teamed up with one of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation startups? But Lelo was pretty tight-lipped about the whole endeavour.

Until the product launch.

Lelo didn’t so much “launch” Hex, as made an IndieGoGo page to raise money for… well, I’m not even really sure. Hex was already in production. Launch gala attendees were treated to live demonstrations of the condoms features- including “revolutionary” patterning and a base emblazoned with the word “RESPECT” meaning “respect the man who wears it” according to what Gizmodo writer Bryan Menegus was told. This was also when we learned that Charlie Sheen had been selected as the spokesman for the new prophylactic. Now, I’m not even going to go into this bit because while it is a problem a) others have already written about this rather well and b) I am better able to forgive a poor spokesman choice than I am the design/safety issues of Hex.

As I looked through the press-kit Lelo sent me, I was faced with a distressing image. An animated GIF of a stretched-out Hex being repeatedly poked with a pin. Lelo was showcasing a feature of their new condom, which was still latex by the way, that you could poke a hole in it without breaking the it in any noticable way. Read that again. This is an advertised design feature. I am Not OK with this.

Mysteriously, Lelo sent me a 3-pack of Hex. That same day fellow sex-ed writer Aerie arrived to spend the weekend with me. It was clear that we had to do an unboxing and livetweet/instagram the occasion. Hex was pretty much what I expected- inside each square foil pouch was a standard sized and shaped lubricated latex condom embossed with a hexagonal pattern “inspired by graphene”.

Let’s pause for a moment here to remember what the purpose of a condom is. Scarleteen defines a condom as:

“A thin sheath or tube of latex or another material, worn over the penis during sex to prevent or reduce the risk of pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infections.”

Most modern condoms are made from polymers (latex, polyisoprene, polyurethane, nitrile, etc.), however condoms have historically been made from the intestinal tract of sheep ((brings a whole new meaning to a sausage party now doesn’t it?)). Beside the squeamy factor of “sheepskin” condoms, as they are kinda incorrectly called, they are also ineffective for one of the two major roles of a condom. Guts have holes in them, tiny pores and the like, which allow them to do their thing while they’re still inside a living being. Great for the sheep, bad for STI protection. They work to reduce pregnancy because on a micro-biological scale, sperm a pretty big ((the head of the average human sperm cell is 3 µm by 5 µm. That’s 0.003mm x 0.005mm. For reference, the smallest the human eye can see unaided is roughly 0.1mm)), and the natural pores of the intestine are small enough to sieve them out while bacteria and viruses are much smaller and easily pass through. What does that have to do with Hex (which I’ll remind you is still boring old latex)?

Well, I tried their pin-prick test and was horrified to find that the marketing GIF was not a dramatisation. I could indeed pierce Hex several times per region and the condom gave no fucks. “So what?” people retorted. Afterall, isn’t some protection better than none? Aren’t I making raging assumptions that a condom which remains intact despite perforation is worse than a condom which shatters upon puncture? I’m not kidding- these were the arguments that resulted in my Hex experimentations. And no, in this case I’m not so sure that some is better than none, or that any assumption I’m making about the percentages of transmission matter in the least. And here’s why:

While it sucks to have a condom break, the way in which they break acts as, whether intentionally or not, a red flag system. The shattering of the condom means you know that your barrier has failed and that you now need to take steps to address the situation- emergency contraception, STI testing, post-exposure STI prophylaxis (where applicable and available), implementation of barrier methods with otherwise fluid-bonded partners, whatever an instance of exposure means to you. The manner in which Hex fails, however, means the sex act can be completed and there be no sign that there was a breech of security. While we no longer live in a world where contraction of HIV is a guaranteed death sentence, we do live in a world of super gonorrhoea, the Zika virus, and medically resistant syphilis. Pregnancy is still a high-risk medical condition. For a product with “RESPECT” emblazoned up it, Hex doesn’t seem to respect your right to know what’s up when you fuck. Remember that bit I said about microbe size? They make sure to tell you that the box Hex comes in tamper-evident, though. Thanks?

Maybe this doesn’t bother people because everyone is just numbed to the non-sensical nature of the condom industry. The most widely known brand is named for a sneak-attack, after all. I mean- Trojan? A tale of a perceived peace offering that, once brought inside the city walls poured fourth with men to seize the city? That’s supposed to make me feel safe? And Hex. Really? Hex? I know they meant it as a reference to their silly textured surface (I’ll get to that in a minute) but all I can think of are curses. I’m still left agog at the number of people whose bios include the job title of “sex educator” who have fired back at me on Twitter or Instagram that they don’t understand why I’m upset, or they don’t get why this is a problem. Remember too that this isn’t just a side-effect of the design, this is a built-in feature. Lelo is marketing Hex by showing off that it doesn’t shatter when it develops a hole and apparently people are buying the hype.

I can’t help but feel like this is hugely irresponsible on Lelo’s part. People who buy these condoms, which retail at $10 for a 3pk, are seeing the name Lelo and recognising it as a leader in the intimacy industry. There is prestige and quality built into the Lelo name. There’s also a bit of tricky wording connected to Hex- “inspired by graphene ((Graphene is actually pretty cool stuff: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graphene)), the thinnest, strongest structure known to science”. With the Gates Foundation fueling condom research, talk of graphene condoms have been in the news for years. When I started learning more about Hex, even I thought that Lelo must have teamed up with one of the groups working on graphene barriers. But no, Hex is not graphene. Hex is a latex condom with a honeycomb pattern to it and a lot of misleading text on the packaging about graphene. There’s nothing “re-engineered” about them.

I’m not so sure we need to re-engineer the condom, from a design aspect. Condom design isn’t the reason that people don’t use them anyway. What does need “re-engineering” is sex education, accessibility, and our cultural approach to condoms. Let’s put some of this condom research money into increasing the non-latex condom market and improving availability/accessibility (and yes, possibly more designs) of internal condoms. Let’s put some of that condom research money into actually doing research on condoms for anal sex, because telling folks to “consult [their] healthcare provider for advice” when using barriers for anything other than vaginal intercourse is absurd. And let’s put some of that condom research money, no- let’s put a lot of that condom research money, into improving sex education. That is what will be truly revolutionary and “re-engineer” how people use condoms.

So here’s the deal. Regardless if you have a prototype, a v1 (which I have), a v2 (which was recently released), or the soon to be released v3, the Revel Sonic is a weird little grey orb with a pink-tipped piston in the middle which shifts to-and-fro. For more marital aids you should check, we recommend to see this Cock rings review.

The settings may vary, the version I have features a strange dual power setting which doesn’t seem to do much of anything in practical application other than make the little LEDs glow brighter or dimmer, but the basic technology is the same. I find it somewhat fascinating that the Revel Sonic came out around the same time as the FunFactory Stronic did, and they have remarkably similar technology. Just, with the Stronic it’s encased in an actually useful thing. Revel also says theirs is “sonic” somehow in a way that isn’t entirely clear to anyone.

According to the Revel PR, this is the most powerful rechargeable toy I should ever have put to my clit. More powerful than my old beloved Laya Spot. More powerful than Epiphora’s beloved Mona. More powerful than the 4″ slimline vibe which shipped with it. I’ll let you guess which sex utensil managed to get me off. Hint: there wasn’t a trace of pink on it. There was an awful lot of convincing trying to happen all over Revel’s website and PR bursts, as well as in my email inbox. A LOT of convincing. And I wasn’t convinced.

I’ve heard folk say that if you’re a devotee of intense Hitachi-style vibes that Revel won’t work for you, but here’s the thing- I’m NOT a fan of those types of vibe. Laya was my go-to vibe for ages, until it died and I started dabbling in other clit utensils. There are only a couple settings on the Revel that even register at all to my clit as sensation, and they certainly aren’t enough to get me off. In fact, it actively keeps me from getting off. I can be edging before swapping to it, and still no luck. I kinda wanna walk into their office, pick one up, go up to a lady, and be like “Ok, get off with this for me. Show me how.” because no matter how hard I’ve tried, I can’t make this weird shitty orb feel pleasurable- which is part of why I started calling it the Shit Orb in the first place.

But it doesn’t stop there. My dislike of the Revel isn’t limited to it being a really expensive ((Originally $179, now $129. Yes, there’s a warranty- but only if you buy through Revel Body or Amazon. Seriously.)) piece of questionable sex tech. If that were all, I’d have managed to write this post ages ago. This goes deeper though, enough that I can’t on good conscience not talk about it. So here goes:

There were issues from the moment I unboxed this. I started reading the manual, and gd that thing was LONG. Long and full of horrible statements. It was full of weird warnings against using it under the covers (which is where I tend to jerk off), using it near magnetic storage and computers (uhh, laptop anyone?), and using it on parts of the body with loose skin and/or hairs (motherfucking vulvas, how do they work?). The manual told you not to throw it away ever, but to contact the local authorities to dispose of it properly. “Yes, hello- City Hall? I have a vibrator with a weird magnet in it. I would like to get rid of it please.” Riiiiight. It didn’t stop there- there was also a lot of talk over not being used by “invalids” or disabled persons. I contacted the folks over at Revel to ask them about potential interaction with my hearing aid, since they make such a fuss over not getting this thing near digital tech. I was told to ask my audiologist. Because clearly my audiologist will know ANYTHING about the components of your weird sex orb. Thanks.

A short while after I received it, I started getting direct-messages on twitter from the Revel folk asking to “meet with me for coffee” to discuss their product. Through talking to my colleagues I discovered they’d also wanted to call the less local folk with a similar intent. Guess they didn’t get the memo about us being hermits weirdos introverts. I loaned my Revel Sonic to a few of my alternate testers, and the overall answer was the same- make sure you bring another (better) vibe with you, because this thing just won’t get you off. There are a couple settings which might sorta maybe feel interesting, but nothing nearly orgasmic.

I’d actually reached a point of ambivalence about the whole thing, and was considering not even bothering with this post- and then I started seeing the positive “reviews” which made me gag. They were vague, they felt contrived, and I questioned if these people had even actually used it, or if maybe they were sponsored content? Review even feels like the wrong word. Testimonials maybe?

An announcement rolled across twitter of a “new and improved” version and I’ll admit- I kinda lost it. I’m not bothered by the fact that they’re updating their product- because they should be. I’m bothered by that they were already releasing a 2.0 version, and will now be releasing a 3.0 version, in less than a years’ time from the original release. This says something to me- namely that not enough time was spent in R&D and prototyping. There’s an easy solution to that- folk like me and Epiphora kinda do that shit for a living. We aren’t the only ones either. Test your products on real live humans, humans who have some experience with sex utensils and have the ability to orgasm with a critical eye, humans who won’t be hypnotised by fancy boxes and a good design team.

Not long after, Epiphora and I received a Cease And Desist letter in our emails. Someone was cranky about our Opinions and the use of the name Shit Orb.

Hi Lorax,

I have been following your comments on twitter.

I understand that you did not like using our product, but it is probably fair to say that not everyone likes every product in the adult industry.  We have been working very hard to build a better product as well as to fix any issues with our product, but I think you may be going over the line on with your tweets and other online comments.

If you continue there are many legal issues that you may face including defamation and trade disparagement.  Lawsuits are very expensive, time consuming and painful processes.   I would like to think we could avoid that.

Please to cease and desist from making any more public comments about our product, company or employees.

So that happened. Email barrages back and forth occurred, and I found myself once again being courted to “meet for coffee” to make sure my unit isn’t defective (it’s not) and be explained to by the CEO of the company what they were trying to do with their product, and how it works. Yeah- how it works. Because I, a professional sex utensil user, need to have someone show me how to use a vibrator and my vulva. Here’s my question- if your product is so complicated and confusing that you think you need to meet a professional in the field in person to explain to them how to use it, how do you expect the average user to understand? I hesitantly agreed to do the unthinkable  leave my house and meet up.

In the interim, Epiphora’s post went up, and I got a series of emails from Revel Body informing me of various other products with “offensive language” in their manuals in case I cared to publicise them as well. These consisted of the Eroscillator and the Wahl. Two products which I do not own, have never used, and have never even mentioned. Oh wait, Epiphora mentioned them. Those sex-bloggers, you just can’t tell them apart! Ok sure- these do both use the term “invalid” which isn’t the best of terms. Wahl however isn’t even sold as a sex utensil, and both of these products have existed since time immemorial and don’t have manuals which were penned in two-thoushand thir-fucking-teen.

I never did get my chance to hear what he had to say, get to try the updated version of the Revel Sonic, or the various replacement pistons. He cancelled on me day-of (after I’d purposefully kept my calendar clear and forwent a date) and was too busy to reschedule with me. WHELP. So much for that. It’s shame really because I legitimately want to see if the different piston shapes make a difference, and to see if their technology can actually be useful in this type of application.

Guess I’ll never know if I’m using this weird ball on my hairy loose-skin-flappy body properly…

http://instagram.com/p/kxj7Q8t1Q2/

I work hard to maintain an appearance of high-functioning manageability. I’ve developed elaborate mechanisms to present an outward appearance of “normalcy”, to a point that I’m both proud and terrified of it. It’s been said of me that my crazy fits in the overhead compartments- a compliment that is unintentionally double-edged. The problem with being able to put up these sorts of façades on an everyday basis is that I have to keep them up constantly, which takes an immense amount of energy. Letting them down becomes harder and harder, as I do it less and less, and the effort required means once they’re down- it’ll be a while before I’m able to get them back into place. It is in that interim that I am at my most vulnerable.

Why don’t I just “go get help“? Oh yes- help. Celebrity spokespeople about mental illness just love to tell you all about how getting help was a pivotal moment in their lives. How it’s OK to have a mental illness, just- go get help. Well that’s just fine and dandy, person with money and time, but it doesn’t exactly work that way. For those of us who are poor ((As so many mentally ill individuals are, often as a result of our mental illness impeding our ability to be employed like a “normal” member of society)), “help” isn’t that easy. Options are slim. I, personally, have been attempting to get back into some manner of regular therapy for a few years now. I’d been going to the local queer counselling centre, who had a sliding scale and where I knew my lifestyle choices wouldn’t be pathologised, but I kept getting re-assinged new counsellors every few months as they finished their degrees and moved on with their lives. This meant I had just enough time to start to open up to them before I was thrown back to start again- do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

I started working with DSHS aka welfare to try and get help. Then the sequester happened, and state budget cuts, and the funding for helping me find help disappeared. I reached out to the therapy centres which specialise in my illnesses- bipolar, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and compulsive disorders. I’ve been on their “3 month long” waiting list for 6 months now. They also don’t offer a sliding scale for their fees. A lot of private practices don’t offer sliding scales, and those that do have so many people trying to become new patients that waitlists range from months to years. Trying to get into an intensive programme or go in-patient is just as hard. Even if you “play the game” as it were and exaggerate your symptoms ((Which is the only way I’ve known of anyone to successfully get into treatment in any sort of timely manner)), they still aren’t guaranteed to take you. Beds are few, resources are limited, and even suicidal/homicidal ideation doesn’t make you a shoo-in anymore. Your best bet, if it applies to you, is to get in via an addiction recovery programme. Folks with what’s known as “dual diagnosis” have a far better chance of getting treatment, as substance abuse programmes get more funding and support, and are a lot more prolific. They often provide mental health support or can fast-track people into the therapy they need in the hopes of helping prevent relapse. If there’s ever been a time in my life that I’ve regretted managing to beat my addictions on my own, it’s been now.

So where this leaves me is going to local community health centres or clinics, and getting the bare-minimum of care. I generally have to go in knowing what meds I need, and hope that they clinic will renew my prescriptions. A lot of low-income friendly healthcare offices won’t fill or write scripts for many of the medications used to treat mental illness, due to their controlled substance axis ratings and perceived street value. I say perceived street value because while I understand that technically Xanax has a street value, my dosage of 0.125mg 2x/day is so low that I’d have to sell a few months worth at a time to get any sort of profit. A lot of clinic doctors aren’t familiar with some of the off-label uses of various medications currently being used to treat bipolar or resistant depression, nor those used to manage the side-effects from the primary medications. This leaves me short some medications that I should be on, using less effective medications than I could be using, and paying a lot more for them than I ought to be due to being uninsured.

So sometimes I just can’t focus. Other times I’m lucky if I can get myself out of bed and go to work. There are weeks when I forget to bathe, and days where I forget to eat (or go to the bathroom). There are times, like what I’ve been dealing with lately, where my moods are cycling so rapidly that I’m experiencing a different dominant mood every 15 minutes or less. My insomnia gets worse and worse, despite double-doses of Ambien I still find myself awake until dawn and then waking at 8 or 9am whether I want to or not. I have periods where I lie face-down on the floor, unable to get up, because I’m sobbing so hard and I do not know why. My instincts trend towards passive-agression and self-sabotage. I rationalise actions which will make me more and more miserable, because then at least I would have a reason to feel like this. It’s difficult to feel sexy at times like these, let alone be objective and present during jerk-off sessions. Partnered sex becomes a something I crave and fear at the same time, uncertain of where my emotions will take me. I try not to make major decisions, I pull inward, and I start looking for hugs and forehead kisses more than blowjobs and spankings.

And so, there are times when I don’t write much. There are times where even my tumblr goes silent, and my twitter becomes more conversational, less sexy, and more emo. Photos of my cat become more abundant, and I use her reliance on me as a grounding tool to keep me present and from making rash decisions. Sometimes I over–compensate with porn. I don’t mean to disappear, and I think about writing a post very much like this one but up until now I haven’t. I fear the cultural stigma against being batshit crazy ((Which is a term I use for myself, and rather prefer over “mental illness” or somesuch, but that’s probably because I like bats and I’m self deprecating as fuck)). I worry that I’ll be perceived as whiny, or as attention seeking. I’ve decided that I’m just going to put this out there, finally, because I’m currently battling this harder than I have in a very long time, and while I’m trying to force myself back into writing I don’t know where things will take me. I know I’m not alone in this but it’s something that at least for me specifically, only I can really do anything about.

The Jopen Intensity is a hideous beast, there’s no two ways about that. It’s strangely shaped ((I’ve heard all manner of descriptions, from “deformed foot” to “preserved fetus in a jar”)). It’s a nausea-inducing shade of pinky-mauve. It’s large, but not in a “oh that looks delightfully filling” way but rather in a “what the fuck IS that?!?” way. It looks every bit like the (quack) medical device that it is purporting to have started out as. Or maybe some bizarre ray-gun. Paint it brass and take it to the next steampunk con?

The Intensity is trying to be an awful lot of things- clitoral vibrator, dildo, g-spotter, electro-stimulation, and kegel exerciser. It’s even trying to appeal to the wide range of preferences for insertable size. Unfortunately, I think they’re trying to ride all the horses with one butt.

I have so many thoughts and feelings on this, but they’re scattered and rant-y. So let’s just start with the base particulars, and then jump on into that list I just rattled off, shall we? Intensity is made of silicone, so that’s good. It has two metal electrodes on the insertion point. The silicone around those looks pretty well cast around it actually, so I don’t feel like cleaning is going to be a chore to ensure proper hygiene. So that’s good too. It uses four AAA batteries, which is not too bad, at least it’s not AAAA’s or somesuch impossible to find size. It… uhm… yeah, I think I’m out of what passes as nice things to say…

Before I jump into my list of Things That Are Wrong With This Toy, I need to say a few words about the battery compartment. I’d normally not mention the battery compartment but in this case I feel I have to. This is a device designed for women, and I’d hazard to say that most women I encounter on my day-to-day activity tend more towards the femme side of things. This battery compartment is most decidedly NOT femme-friendly. My nails aren’t particularly long, just a smidge past the tips of my fingers, but I couldn’t grasp the little twisty bit because my nails are too long. I dunno about you, but I don’t feel like I should have to change my manicure habits on account of a sextoy.

There is an “On/Off” power button, and two sets of controls on the Intensity, one marked “V” and “S” with up and down arrows for each, and a series of indicator LEDs. “V” for vibration, and “S” for… shock? I’m guessing they meant stimulation, but I’m going with shock based on my experiences with this thing. The tricky part is that I can never quite remember if the controls are designed with up/down oriented for when I’m just looking at the toy, or for when it’s inserted in me. This is problematic later, particularly when we get to the shock parts.

The vibrator on here is a “rabbit” style clitoral attachment, except instead of having a pair of ears which flutter uselessly like most rabbit vibes, this has THREE rather firm protrusions to poke you in the clit whilst emitting an annoying buzzing sensation. There is no redeeming the vibe action on this, at all. None. It stabs, it hurts (and not it a good way), and it annoys. Don’t believe me? You don’t have to take my word for it. Not much vibration carries internally, which doesn’t surprise me given the mechanics of this thing.

You see, people like a lot of different things when it comes to an insertable toy or dildo. I get asked all the time “what is the best?” or “what is your most popular?” or some variant on the theme of folk wanting to find the One Dildo To Rule Them All. Sorry folks, it doesn’t exist. Jopen tried to address this issue of custom-fit dildo needs by looking at that pinnacle period of technological advancement known as the early 1990’s. No, really. Their solution? See that big, round, bulbous portion of the “base”? That is none other than an air bladder, which you use to inflate the intensity to your desired size. Just like a pair of Reebok sneakers— a design idea which we all knew was preposterous almost as soon as they came out. The attempt to make this a g-spotting toy is something that I am glad was very clearly an afterthought, but that doesn’t prevent it from being awful for me. There’s an awkward lump on the shaft which presses into my pubic bone in a really painful and pinchy manner. I can’t imagine it being useful, at all, for anyone who wanted to stimulate their g-spot anyhow- wrong place, too small, and just useless.

Which brings us to the reason this toy falls into the $200+ price bracket, and what makes most people recoil in fear (myself included). Intensity is designed to use electrostimulation to engage your PC muscles and give them a work out. Basically? It’s trying to be a TENS unit for your cunt. I happen to like e-stim, and so I was really excited when I was offered the chance to stick this thing in me and electrocute my vagina for fun and science. Remember what I said about the controls being a pair of up/down buttons of vague orientation? Yeah- this is where that becomes an issue. Each intensity level (I see what you did there guys, and I’m not laughing) has a couple settings of how fast of a pulse you receive, and there are I believe ten levels. I don’t know for sure, I didn’t get through them all. Epiphora did though, and I bow to her vagina for doing so. Even just in my hand, I can tell the issue with the shock levels right away. There is too large a variance from one to the next. It’s like, instead of taking a flight of stairs one step at a time, taking them two or three, or stretching reaaaaaaaaalllly far to try and do four steps at once. You generally end up hurting yourself trying to do that.

Despite my reservations, I lubed up, smeared some electrode gel ((The ingredients for which are not located anywhere on the packaging, so I’m thanking my stars that it didn’t give me any problems)) on the contacts, put it in me, and turned it on. The first setting was the familiar “I think there might be an ant crawling on me” tickly feel of a TENS unit on really low. The second setting got buzzy. The third setting changed abruptly to feeling like someone was stabbing the inside of my vagina with one of the old-style tuberculosis tine-tests, but in your cunt instead of your arm. I tried going up to level four, at which point the stabbing moved on to feeling like knives in my vagina, and I tried to turn it off. Except for that whole “which way is up” problem. I still can’t believe I actually gave this a full round of testing sessions before hiding it under the bed for months, wanting never to look at it again.

This problem of power settings going from not enough to TOO MUCH in one step isn’t unique to Intensity, it’s a common issue for digital electrosex gear. Analog may be the way of the past for many things, but when it comes to using electricity to stimulate really sensitive parts of the body, the fine-tune control of analog really is the way to go. I’m the kind of person who, on a whim, decides to see what it feels like to take my TENS unit to a nipple ((Something which some electro-sex folk will tell you not to do due to proximity to the heart, etc. etc. I’m not saying this was a GOOD idea, ok?)) (which was really fun in ways I had never expected), who contemplates shearing my beloved cuntfur in order to get a better contact with my TENS pads on my labia, and there was that whole electro-bike thing…

I like e-stim quite a bit and don’t get nearly enough. I really should have loved Intensity, but I just can’t. I’d much rather do my kegels the old-fashioned way, or with some Luna Beads, than by painfully shocking my cunt into feeling like it’s being stabbed by knives. I’ve had one friend suggest that electrosex, to him, feels like angry bees in his dick. This was like angry bees with scimitars. I’ll stick to an analog unit and the wide world of probes and pads designed for electrofucking, thanks.

Silk is a natural protein fibre, some forms of which can be woven into textiles. The protein fibre of silk is composed mainly of fibroin and produced by certain insect larvae to form cocoons. The best-known type of silk is obtained from the cocoons of the larvae of the mulberry silkworm Bombyx mori reared in captivity (sericulture).

[…] Silk production also occurs in Hymenoptera (bees, wasps, and ants), silverfish, mayflies, thrips, leafhoppers, beetles, lacewings, fleas, flies, and midges. Other types of arthropod produce silk, most notable the various arachnids such as spiders (see spider silk).

— Wikipedia

See that, Pipedream? You know what that is? That’s the definition of silk. Notice what’s not mentioned there? Cotton. Nylon. Polyester. This is because silk is a noun, not a adjective. Don’t believe me? Here let the fine folk of Merriam Webster weigh in on the matter:

Silk: noun, often attributive

1: a fine continuous protein fiber produced by various insect larvae usually for cocoons; especially: a lustrous tough elastic fiber produced by silkworms and used for textiles

2: thread, yarn, or fabric made from silk filaments

There. I said it. I don’t like the Pure Wand.

It’s no fault of the Pure Wand though. It’s an amazing toy, and is still one of my most highly recommended toys- for other people. I hate it because it works. I hate it because it does what it is supposed to do so fucking well and it turns out, I don’t like what it does. I don’t know if it’s because I shattered my pubic bone when I was a kid, or if it’s just my general dislike of the traditional intense and direct g-spot methods that are generally recommended. I just know that I hate it, and that hasn’t changed no matter how many times I try to like it.

What the Pure Wand does is impressively provide direct g-spot stimulation. This is a precision instrument guys- designed to get in there, find your g-spot, and give it some very direct stimulation without much else. It’s no wonder that Njoy’s site graphics depict the Pure Wand in a very technical schematic sort of way- regardless of which end you use the pure wand has been engineered for efficiency. The weight, the curve, the frictionless steel, the shape of the bulbs, it is just all around the most well thought out sex toy I’ve ever met. I’m just not the target audience.With something so specialized, you’re bound to have folk like me. Folk who don’t like what this well-researched creation is designed for.

I tried, I honestly did. I have found a few particular instances in which g-spot stimulation does not make me want to either kick my partner in the head or make me angry and uncomfortable to a point of stopping jerking off. There is a certain technique of finger-banging that has been used on me (intentionally or not, I’m not sure) which felt really good and only partway through did I realize “well lookit that- that has gotta be doing some g-spot action and I’m not hating it!” before deciding not to think on it too much lest I ruin the whole situation.

Then there is what I can best call incidental g-spot stimulation. This is something I generally experience when I’m pushing the boundaries on girth in a toy, such as recent attempts with the Vixen Maverick (a story for another day). These are times where thrusting is entirely out of the question, I’m bordering on dildo-hammering territory, and I’ve managed to wedge whatever-it-is into me and I’m just chillin’ with the feeling of fullness. This exerts an all-over pressure on the walls of my vagina, and if I do kegels around the toy I definitely get a gentle indirect pressure to my g-spot area. This I like. Indirect is the key here.

The last method that works for me, and is the only time I’ve found the Pure Wand to be an enjoyable experience, is to do what I call “windshield wiper” motions with it. Positioning the larger bulb just lightly against my g-spot, I swing the opposite end toward one of my legs, and then the other. This gives a gentle, side-to-side, rolling type sensation which actually feels quite nice. Orgasmically nice? Newp. But nice. What is out of the question for me is any form of traditional thrusting or the direct pressure techniques which you most often see used with the Pure Wand.

I want to say again though, that even though I hate the Pure Wand I think it’s an amazing toy and highly recommend it. Love direct g-spot stimulation? This is a great toy for you. Looking for a toy to aid in intense g-spot stimulation for the purpose of ejaculation? Pure Wand, hands down. Looking for a wonderful prostate toy? You guessed it- Pure Wand. Prostate milking? Oh hell yes Pure Wand. Yeah, if you have a prostate and you like having it stimulated, I highly recommend getting a Pure Wand and putting it up your butt. Seriously. All the things I said above about the smooth steel, the curve, the engineering? They apply equally as well to prostate play. Some of my favorite porn scenes have involved Pure Wands in guys rear-ends. I don’t have a prostate, something which makes me sad on a semi-regular basis, but if I did? I’d be assfucking with the Pure Wand for sure.

There were some interesting things I discovered through my experimenting with the Pure Wand though. First was just how cold room temperature is. You don’t think it is, until you go to shove a piece of room-temperature steel into one of your holes. I learned very quickly that a swaddle in a warm towel or a soak in warm water was a must before using the Pure Wand. I also realized just how hot body temperature was. Initially I was going to post a series of short journals on the Pure Wand, chronicling my usage. This was before I realized how much this was not the toy for me. When I had this idea though, the draft of the first journal was entitled “holy shit, my cunt is HOT”. Seriously, my body temperature runs lower than that of most humans, and I was still amazed by just how heated the Pure Wand got inside of me. I’d pull it out and proceed to bop myself in the nose with it, mesmerized by the temperature change. I also found that if you are at all bothered by fingerprints, it’s best to work out a good coping mechanism now before you buy a Pure Wand (or really any Njoy toy). The stainless steel is polished to such an impressive shine that every fingerprint and smudge shows. I’m not normally bothered by fingerprints (as the state of my laptop screen and eye-glasses will attest to), but I found myself obsessing over keeping my Pure Wand nice and shiny and smudge-free.

So there. I did it. I’ve publicly stated my opinion on a toy that has been called a Holy Grail of sex toys. It comes down to this: no one sex toy is perfect for everyone. I knew this, but sometimes you have to experience it to believe it. The Pure Wand was that experience.

My issue here lies in the copy and supposed intent of this PVC glitter vibrating dildo. It’s something I’ve seen on things before, but never have I seen it quite so egregiously as on the Cliterrific.

Cliterrific is an 8 inch wonder designed specifically for clitoral stimulation. Turn up the heat with these erotically designed multi-speed soft pliable jelly stimulators with sensuous glitter.

Wait, WHAT? CalEx, where the fuck do you think my clit is located? I know that we’re having to remind people not to learn how to have sex by watching porn, but do we need to update that to not learning anatomy via porn as well? Newsflash: Deep Throat was a porno flick and not based on an actual medical condition. Clitorises (clitori?) aren’t located in our throats, nor are they located within the vaginal canal, as you seem to think based on the design of this stinky dick.

I mean really, clitoral stimulation? It’s a fucking 8″ long, 2.25″ diameter girthy-as-fuck vibrating dildo! I’m almost tempted to use the much loathed term of “dong” to refer to this thing. I understand that people joke about men not being able to find the clit and yada-yada-yada but seriously- a dildo as a clit toy? That’s like all the glass toys I see labeled as “massagers”. For anyone who might not know (and apparently the folks over at CalEx) here is a basic illustration of the female crotchical region. Now, I understand that the clitoris is more than just the little eternal piece of erectile tissue that most people think of when referring to the clit, but I think it becomes pretty clearly apparent that an inserted dildo is not coming anywhere NEAR the clit. Yes- you could use this big stinky faux-phallus on your clit, but there are SO MANY toys, such as those at Secret By Me, that are better suited to that, even at the incredibly cheap price of the Cliterrific.

I’m a talkative person, but from the first day I set eyes on this I have been dumbfounded in it’s stupidity. That’s been nine months now, that I’ve seen this thing and boggled at it. I re-arrange retail walls, and every time I move it I gag a little. I re-read the copy on the back of the packaging and I can feel my blood-pressure go up and the knot form in my stomach. Thankfully, in that same nine months, I have yet to have someone want to purchase it from me. I’m not sure I’d be able to handle that.

If for some ungdly reason you actually WANT one of these, you can get it at SexToyFun. Personally I don’t see why you’d want it though. I do think that the little video they have on the page about it is pretty frickin’ hilarious though. I wish I could embed it over here. Oh man do I ever.

Since I reviewed the original rodeoH harness they have come out with two additional styles- a boxer-brief and a femme panty. I’ve been told by many who work with rodeoH on a business-to-business level that they are very receptive to customer/reviewer feedback and opinions, so I thought maybe just maybe they had improved their product design. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Oh man was I wrong. So very wrong.

Things that haven’t changed: The harness still comes in a uselessly tiny microfibre bag, though this time the bag has a LOT more writing on it (so I wouldn’t recommend using it to clean your 90’s throwback UFO sunglasses, which I’m sure someone is going to bring back into style any day now). You still get a stupid dog-tag with your harness. The overall construction remains the same as well, it’s underpants, but the crotch lining comes up almost to the waistband in the front, so as to create the barrier between the toy and you. Again this is topped with a thin strip of elastic, for reasons that make no sense at all to me. The o-ring is the same size and rigidity as the original as well. While I didn’t have any issues with the stitching popping on this one, I also didn’t really try to put anything larger than a 1″ toy in it. There were a LOT of loose threads from manufacturing left on my harness, which I find rather inexcusable. It’s not that hard nor does it take long to go in and snip your threads. It’s part of finishing your product, and part of quality control.

So, basically, the rodeoH panty is just a swap out of materials to be femme? Well… sorta. I kinda wish that were the case actually. If they’d kept the same cut to the fabric and just swapped lace into the mix instead of the regular ol’ cotton, the panty would at least work as everyday underwear. But, and I’m sure you all saw THAT coming, they didn’t. Oh man did they not.

The folks at rodeoH seem to like low-rise things for some reason. Ok, that’s fine. I’m no fan of granny-panties myself either. Something that rides on my hips is nice, can be flattering, and with a harness I can understand maybe wanting to be a bit more scant than not. I’ll give ya that. The panty however is SO VERY low rise that it’s not even underwear. I’ve taken to calling it a “crotch-swatch”, because I like things that rhyme and well- it’s the best way to sum this thing up. I have the exact same size in both of the rodeoH harnesses. My background is in costuming, so I know my way around a tape measure and my body to make sure I get the right size of clothing. These things are cut SO low rise that I can lay them down atop the original and there’s almost a full two inches of material in height difference. What does this mean when worn? It means that my entire, yes ENTIRE, ass is hanging out of these. The waistband just barely clears the curve of the lower quarter of my butt. Crotch-swatch. There is no allowance in the cut of the fabric for any booty at all. It’s almost as if these were made for a paperdoll. Their sizing is based on your hip measurement, and I’ve got to wonder what person with a 41″ hip DOESN’T have some butt comprising part of that number?

I have noticed a trend in the marketing images from rodeoH, as well as their user-submitted images on FaceBook and Twitter. They are all small, slight, androgynous, and/or athletic tiny people. In fact, I think that Shine Louise is the “largest” person I’ve seen in any of their marketing images. So I have to wonder if these are being made for and tested on this demographic only? I know for sure a garment cut and designed like this would NEVER have made it out of the fitting room for me, because as soon as you even hand it to someone with what are supposedly the proper measurements, they will laugh in your face.

I have a hard time recommending this harness, and I feel a little bad about that. Not because I feel bad about disliking a product (I do that more than I like things), but because SheVibe was so kind as to let me review this for them. If this were the only femme harness on the market, I’d say that maybe if you can try one on first (over your undies please, let’s not be gross) or you have a very slight build with little to no butt, that this might be a good inexpensive entry point into the underwear styled harnesses. But it’s NOT the only femme harness on the market, and the others out there really do have the rodeoH panty beat by leaps and bounds (and bells and whistles).

I had wanted to try the boxer-brief version that rodeoH made between the original and the panty, but now that I’ve tried their stuff twice and both times been left laughing at the product so hard that I nearly peed myself, I think I’m done. Unless they finally figure out that people have curves and those curves need to fit into the garment.

The angle at which the bunny is situated from the shaft is ALL WRONG so it doesn’t really stimulate the clit, and even if it kinda did, those vibrations are so surface and buzzy that they’re useless. As it stands the ears of the bunny flutter until they make contact with my labia, and then THEY STOP. My labia are too much interference apparently. Now, I’ve gained some weight lately so I’ve got slightly fleshier labia than I’ve had in earlier years of my life, but even so I don’t have terribly formidable outer lips. I tried to get the nose of the bunny against my clit but there was no way that was going to happen, especially not while that damn thing was gyrating away inside me. Which brings me rather conveniently to my next issue…

Dicks don’t rotate. Why does this rotate? I feel like I’m being scooped out like a jack-o-lantern. If I stuff this thing into my vajayjay when I’m not warmed up I can feel the head of it doing circles around my cervix as my body tries in vain to shrink away from this atrocity. Even when warmed up, I can feel each gyration scraping me out, whacking against my pelvic bones. It’s true that my pubic bone is slightly differently shaped than most, because I shattered it as a small child. I’ve never had a lover notice though, until after I told them and pointed it out, so it’s not like my pelvic bones are freakishly misshapen.

Just no. The whole thing. No. Not to mention that the classics are made out of sub-par materials, namely jelly or PVC- both of which contain pthalates. I award Vibratex one point for disclosing that their PVC has pthalates, but revoke five for their PVC having pthalates. This particular model that I have is made of elastomer, which is on the low end of my acceptability scale. Y’know what? One point for re-releasing their classic rabbits in pthalate-free materials. Lose half a point for elastomer instead of silicone. If you’re going to re-release a toy in the name of making it out of a safer material, why not go all the way and go with silicone? It’s hard to get more body-safe than silicone.

Also: C cell batteries. WTF. When was the last time you used a C cell battery? My flashlights are all AA or D. My headlamp might be AAAs, I haven’t swapped batteries out in that in a while. I don’t think I’ve used a C cell since I had a tape recorder. That would be the 80’s, kids, for those of you who don’t remember tape recorders. As if taking C cells isn’t insult enough, it doesn’t just take C cells but it takes THREE of them. Do you know what size packs C cells come in? TWO or FOUR. Yup. Thanks guys. Thanks so much for that.

So, key points here:

1. Vibrations that are completely useless
2. Scraping gyrations
3. Materials should not be toxic
4. WTF C cells
5. Why does it have a face? And a necklace? WAT?

So now I have put this thing in me. It made me call my cunt my vajayjay. I found no redeeming qualities to it. If it wasn’t made of a porous material I’d use it to stir my tea, but I can’t because I’m not wasting condoms on that (plus ew, condom tea). I’m not even sure what the heck I’ll do with this. There has to be something fun to do with an absolutely useless rabbit vibe. Ideas? Oh and if for some reason you still really want to buy one of these? Please, make sure you’re getting the elastomer version. Don’t put pthalates up your vajayjay, m’kay?

First, a brief explanation of what the Smartballs are. Basically, these are objects you insert into your vaginal canal to assist in strengthening the muscles of the pelvic floor (via what are known as kegel exercises or kegels). They are designed to be worn for extended periods of time, or to be interacted with via the pull-cord to create resistance. The Smartballs Teneo come in two models- the uno or single ball version, and the duo which has two balls connected by a silicone band in between.

These are an updated version of Fun Factory’s old Smartballs kegel exercisers. The main differences between these and the originals are the silicone band which runs around the equator of the toys, the textural aspects of the silicone banding, a divot in the back of the toy to “ease insertion” and the retrieval cord is now silicone rather than nylon. Some of these changes are useful and good, such as the changing of the cord to being a silicone strap. This means the whole toy is disinfect-able now when before it wasn’t. Funny thing is, looking at the old version vs. the new version? I wish they’d kept the older design and just siliconized it (is that even a word?).

My first attempts at insertion were horrible. No way I could shove this thing into myself, even with lube, without some warm up. For something which is supposed to be more of a maintenance item and not a get-me-off toy, this kinda frustrated me. Try as I might though, it was a no-go. After a bit of warm up via clitoral action and a trusty vibe, I was able to weasel this thing into my cunt. Not slip, not insert, weasel. See, the ball-like shape combined with the perpendicular raised bands of silicone made for some serious resistance along my vaginal opening. The shape and texture issues, paired with there being nowhere useful to grip the damn thing even with their “easy insertion groove”, meant it took a combination of pushing-rocking-shoving to finally maneuvere the ball into place.

Once there, I wasn’t terribly keen on it either. The lateral ribs of silicone rubbed against my urethral sponge in a way that was not at all enjoyable, but rather scratchy and oddly similar to the beginning sensations of a UTI. Nothing spells fun like simulated bacterial infections now does it? I tried walking around my apartment but couldn’t really feel the weight in the ball at all. I ran up and down my stairs. I hopped on my bicycle and rode around the block. I did jumping jacks. Still couldn’t really feel the ball. I did find that the ball had moved itself up past my urethral sponge, thank goodness, but I’m used to things do that as all my menstrual cups do the same thing when I put them in.

Next go-round with the Smartball I tried laying down and tugging on the string to create resistance. Theoretically this would create a game of tug-o-war between my hand and my cunt, except the size and shape and silicone banding of the ball meant it was firmly lodged in there and wasn’t about to slip out at all. Giving up, I extracted the ball from myself one last time. Pulling this thing out of me was the most enjoyable part of the entire experience, though that’s kind-of like saying that the most enjoyable part of a pelvic exam is the cold metal speculum. In fact, I think I’d have preferred the speculum over the Smartball.

I’ve been loathe to write this review, in part because I don’t like being negative (especially when Good Vibrations was so kind as to offer this to me for review), and in part because I didn’t want to think about the damn thing ever again. In my delay I discovered that a good friend of mine loves her Smartballs Teneo Duo, and since the new version of the Smartballs are disinfect-able I handed mine over to her to test out. Now that we’re both done with SEAF, she’ll have some time to get acquainted with the uno version of her duo and let us know how it goes. I’m hoping she fares better than I did.

Despite not being crazy about the Smartballs Teneo Uno, a huge thanks to Good Vibrations for letting me try this out. For more information on kegels, check out their How to do Kegels and Strengthen PC Muscles page, and browse their array of Kegel & PC Muscle toys.