It all began on April Fools Day, at least for most of us. My colleagues and I awoke on the most distrustful day of the year to an email from from “lifestyle-brand” sex utensil manufacturer Lelo announcing Hex, a “revolutionary” new condom. I was, understandably, skeptical but reliable sources reported that no, despite the unfortunate (and somewhat foreshadowing) name it was legit. Lelo was trying something new. Questions abounded: What was going to be different? Will there finally be more non-latex options? Had Lelo teamed up with one of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation startups? But Lelo was pretty tight-lipped about the whole endeavour.

Until the product launch.

Lelo didn’t so much “launch” Hex, as made an IndieGoGo page to raise money for… well, I’m not even really sure. Hex was already in production. Launch gala attendees were treated to live demonstrations of the condoms features- including “revolutionary” patterning and a base emblazoned with the word “RESPECT” meaning “respect the man who wears it” according to what Gizmodo writer Bryan Menegus was told. This was also when we learned that Charlie Sheen had been selected as the spokesman for the new prophylactic. Now, I’m not even going to go into this bit because while it is a problem a) others have already written about this rather well and b) I am better able to forgive a poor spokesman choice than I am the design/safety issues of Hex.

As I looked through the press-kit Lelo sent me, I was faced with a distressing image. An animated GIF of a stretched-out Hex being repeatedly poked with a pin. Lelo was showcasing a feature of their new condom, which was still latex by the way, that you could poke a hole in it without breaking the it in any noticable way. Read that again. This is an advertised design feature. I am Not OK with this.

Mysteriously, Lelo sent me a 3-pack of Hex. That same day fellow sex-ed writer Aerie arrived to spend the weekend with me. It was clear that we had to do an unboxing and livetweet/instagram the occasion. Hex was pretty much what I expected- inside each square foil pouch was a standard sized and shaped lubricated latex condom embossed with a hexagonal pattern “inspired by graphene”.

Let’s pause for a moment here to remember what the purpose of a condom is. Scarleteen defines a condom as:

“A thin sheath or tube of latex or another material, worn over the penis during sex to prevent or reduce the risk of pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted infections.”

Most modern condoms are made from polymers (latex, polyisoprene, polyurethane, nitrile, etc.), however condoms have historically been made from the intestinal tract of sheep ((brings a whole new meaning to a sausage party now doesn’t it?)). Beside the squeamy factor of “sheepskin” condoms, as they are kinda incorrectly called, they are also ineffective for one of the two major roles of a condom. Guts have holes in them, tiny pores and the like, which allow them to do their thing while they’re still inside a living being. Great for the sheep, bad for STI protection. They work to reduce pregnancy because on a micro-biological scale, sperm a pretty big ((the head of the average human sperm cell is 3 µm by 5 µm. That’s 0.003mm x 0.005mm. For reference, the smallest the human eye can see unaided is roughly 0.1mm)), and the natural pores of the intestine are small enough to sieve them out while bacteria and viruses are much smaller and easily pass through. What does that have to do with Hex (which I’ll remind you is still boring old latex)?

Well, I tried their pin-prick test and was horrified to find that the marketing GIF was not a dramatisation. I could indeed pierce Hex several times per region and the condom gave no fucks. “So what?” people retorted. Afterall, isn’t some protection better than none? Aren’t I making raging assumptions that a condom which remains intact despite perforation is worse than a condom which shatters upon puncture? I’m not kidding- these were the arguments that resulted in my Hex experimentations. And no, in this case I’m not so sure that some is better than none, or that any assumption I’m making about the percentages of transmission matter in the least. And here’s why:

While it sucks to have a condom break, the way in which they break acts as, whether intentionally or not, a red flag system. The shattering of the condom means you know that your barrier has failed and that you now need to take steps to address the situation- emergency contraception, STI testing, post-exposure STI prophylaxis (where applicable and available), implementation of barrier methods with otherwise fluid-bonded partners, whatever an instance of exposure means to you. The manner in which Hex fails, however, means the sex act can be completed and there be no sign that there was a breech of security. While we no longer live in a world where contraction of HIV is a guaranteed death sentence, we do live in a world of super gonorrhoea, the Zika virus, and medically resistant syphilis. Pregnancy is still a high-risk medical condition. For a product with “RESPECT” emblazoned up it, Hex doesn’t seem to respect your right to know what’s up when you fuck. Remember that bit I said about microbe size? They make sure to tell you that the box Hex comes in tamper-evident, though. Thanks?

Maybe this doesn’t bother people because everyone is just numbed to the non-sensical nature of the condom industry. The most widely known brand is named for a sneak-attack, after all. I mean- Trojan? A tale of a perceived peace offering that, once brought inside the city walls poured fourth with men to seize the city? That’s supposed to make me feel safe? And Hex. Really? Hex? I know they meant it as a reference to their silly textured surface (I’ll get to that in a minute) but all I can think of are curses. I’m still left agog at the number of people whose bios include the job title of “sex educator” who have fired back at me on Twitter or Instagram that they don’t understand why I’m upset, or they don’t get why this is a problem. Remember too that this isn’t just a side-effect of the design, this is a built-in feature. Lelo is marketing Hex by showing off that it doesn’t shatter when it develops a hole and apparently people are buying the hype.

I can’t help but feel like this is hugely irresponsible on Lelo’s part. People who buy these condoms, which retail at $10 for a 3pk, are seeing the name Lelo and recognising it as a leader in the intimacy industry. There is prestige and quality built into the Lelo name. There’s also a bit of tricky wording connected to Hex- “inspired by graphene ((Graphene is actually pretty cool stuff: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graphene)), the thinnest, strongest structure known to science”. With the Gates Foundation fueling condom research, talk of graphene condoms have been in the news for years. When I started learning more about Hex, even I thought that Lelo must have teamed up with one of the groups working on graphene barriers. But no, Hex is not graphene. Hex is a latex condom with a honeycomb pattern to it and a lot of misleading text on the packaging about graphene. There’s nothing “re-engineered” about them.

I’m not so sure we need to re-engineer the condom, from a design aspect. Condom design isn’t the reason that people don’t use them anyway. What does need “re-engineering” is sex education, accessibility, and our cultural approach to condoms. Let’s put some of this condom research money into increasing the non-latex condom market and improving availability/accessibility (and yes, possibly more designs) of internal condoms. Let’s put some of that condom research money into actually doing research on condoms for anal sex, because telling folks to “consult [their] healthcare provider for advice” when using barriers for anything other than vaginal intercourse is absurd. And let’s put some of that condom research money, no- let’s put a lot of that condom research money, into improving sex education. That is what will be truly revolutionary and “re-engineer” how people use condoms.

Using a metal ring is incredibly dangerous and I highly suggest you stop. Cock rings are made to be stretchy so that they can be removed easily. If you become too erect and the metal ring can’t be taken off, you risk cutting off blood flow and severely injuring yourself. Real cock rings can be found as cheap at $3, please invest in one of those. — Respectable Tumblr Sex Advice Blog

There is nothing incredibly dangerous about rigid rings, nor are “real” cockrings made of stretchy materials. If that were the case, chastity devices and such would be putting people into hospitals on a regular basis, and they aren’t. ((Of course there are some legitimate cases of people making Bad Decisions With Their Penis Accessories, but they are far from the norm)) There are, however, a few things you want to be aware of when using a rigid cockring:

SIZE— You don’t want to size too far down, if at all, from the natural snug measurement of your anatomy. How do you know the right size?

1. Use a piece of string, narrow ribbon, or shoelace (my favorite) and bring it up behind your nuts ((testicles, testicular implants, plump labia majora, saline-infused tissue, or whatever other part of your body you deem to be your nuts in this situation)) up around the base of your dick, where it meets your body. Pull this comfortably snug but NOT tight. Mark your shoelace on both sides where it overlaps.
2. Measure the distance between the two marks. This will give you the circumference of your cock-n-balls ((Which is where your ring should rest. But you knew that right?)). For some brands, this is all you need. But for most brands, who size based on diameter, there’s one more step.
3. Divide your circumference by π (aka 3.14) to get your diameter.

MATERIALS— It’s true that with cheap metals, which may contain things like zinc, people can develop or have allergies. Most decent metal cockrings are made from surgical stainless steel, niobium, tungsten, or in some cases gold or titanium. These are the same materials used for body piercings, and are totally safe. Generally if you have a metal allergy you probably already know about it from mishaps with necklaces or mood rings won in vending machines.

PROPER USAGE— It is also correct that you shouldn’t wear a cockring that provides constriction of bloodflow (which not all cockrings do- some are more designed for perineum stimulation, while others are often sized with no constriction and are worn for aesthetic reasons) for too long. Typically 20-30 minutes of active constriction if the whole package is involved, an hour or so if just the shaft. If you experience discomfort or a loss of sensation while using ANY ring, rigid or stretchy, remove it.

Yes- rigid rings are harder to remove while erect. The key is to relax and go gently. If you stress, your blood pressure goes up, and the erection says firmer. Lube can help. Sometimes you can work your balls out of the ring during an erection, depending on the anatomy you’re working with, sometimes you can’t. Applying a cool cloth can help to return things to their flaccid state and make removal easier. If you absolutely cannot remove ANY form of cockring, you can head to your local ER. They’ve seen it all before (trust me- people have livetweeted the removal of all manner of foreign objects lost in rectums), and can help remove the ring.

The following are some favourite cockrings which have passed the Good Idea Meter test amongst my friends, colleagues, and myself:

• Velv’Or J’Naja is great for those looking for a comfortable rigid ring that provides a bit of perineal stimulation. After gifting one to a friend I received the most romantic text ever: “I am wearing the J’Naja and the pressure against my perineum makes me think of you~” Apparently it also meant shopping at Costco got extra interesting, and having sex with watermelons was more-than-briefly considered.
• Nob Essence’s Rendezvous ring is beautiful wood for your, well…
• basic sets like these Chrome Rings are great for testing out sizes before investing in something fancy (and can double as o-rings in a strap-on harness)
• Mr. S Leather has a glorious selection of all things cockring and it’s pretty hard to go wrong with any of them. Bonus “How to put on (and remove) a Metal Cockring” video on their classic Anodized Aluminum Ring page.
• Body jewellery, particularly the “captive ball ring” style, or even sized finger-rings can be great for those of us working with bodies which are more than a few standard deviations away from the majority cockring market. Measuring is pretty much the same, though you’ll want to familiarise yourself with your country’s ring sizing scale.

If you like the look and the idea of a rigid ring, but aren’t quite ready to commit to something which can’t be removed with a pair of safety shears? Tantus makes nice silicone versions of the classic and teardrop style rings, also Laid makes sightly stretchier but quite firm rings and slings, any of which would make a great alternative to a metal ring.

Used properly, rigid cockrings won’t send you to the hospital or make your dick fall off. Just make sure your materials are sound and you’re choosing the right one for your body. Just like any other sex utensil your first foray isn’t the place to get overly ambitious. And remember, if it can get a boner you can put a ring on it and it’ll probably feel pretty good.

Over the last year or so I decided to explore butt toys. For years my interest in them had been merely academic, but now I found myself wanting to try them. My first purchase was a medium Pure Plug. Then it was on to the Bootie. Both toys were highly enjoyable: I love inserting a cool Pure Plug on a hot summer day, or a warm Pure Plug when it’s cold out; and the Bootie is just pure silicone good cheer for my butt.

And so it was inevitable, I guess, that my attention would soon be drawn to the Romp. Well, why wouldn’t it be? I mean, just look at those things – they’re gorgeous! I’ve always prized toys that are beautiful as well as fun, and from all the pictures I’d seen and the reviews I’d read, the Romp scored high marks for both. I did have some reservations about the base and how secure it would be. I’d read Lorax’s tale of woe, but it seemed to be the exception rather than the rule, and I wasn’t planning to use the toy during sex, so I wasn’t too on the fence about it, but still using this and other toys have gave me unexpected orgasms so I was really happy with them. Then NobEssence had a sale, and that yellow heart wood was calling to me… with a click of the mouse, my fate was sealed.

When the Romp arrived, I couldn’t bring myself to insert it at first. Instead, I kept it nearby for the first 20 minutes or so just to admire its beauty. But I soon became impatient and lubed up the Romp and inserted it. After walking around for a bit, I sat down to work at my computer. The handle did make itself felt while sitting, but I shifted position a couple times until it wasn’t in the way. In retrospect, I believe I can pinpoint the moment that things began to go awry, although at the time I didn’t think anything was wrong.

After a while I began to feel some discomfort – almost like cramping. I decided to try wearing the Romp with the handle facing forwards to see if that would help. But when I reached for the handle to remove the toy, it wasn’t there.

Ohhhhh, shit.

My ass is neither a teleportation device nor a magic portal to other dimensions. I hadn’t been wearing the toy for long, or for any activity where I might have removed it and forgotten. There was no question where it had gone to. I probed carefully with a fingertip… yep, there it was, lurking just inside its hidey-hole like a goddamn conger eel. Well, that wasn’t so bad; it was reachable, surely I could remove it without much fuss. But, also like a conger eel, it withdrew further into its lair when I attempted to hook my finger around it.

Now, I am not one for panicking. I dislike freakouts. I have also been an EMT for many years and, as I like to tell the new techs, 80 percent of EMS is simply staying calm. So I didn’t panic. But I was scared. What if I couldn’t get this thing out? How much further would it travel, and how quickly? (In a weird flash of anxiety-fueled anthropomorphizing, I pictured an adventuresome Romp in its new base camp in my rectum, stocking up on water and moose jerky: “There’s still plenty of daylight left. If we set out now, we can reach the transverse colon by nightfall!”) Was I really going to have to go to the ER? I didn’t have time for that now, but how much worse would the situation get if I waited?

I was not too nerve-wracked to appreciate the irony of my predicament. Years and years of buying only safe designs and body-safe materials, preaching the toy safety gospel to others, and now here I was with a high-end butt plug on the loose inside my large intestine and no real plan for getting it out. I had no tools for dilating, no forceps for grabbing, and trying to improvise something from household materials would practically guarantee a trip to the ER.

In the end, it was the very thought of an ER visit that fired my resolve to safely retrieve the toy myself. As I mentioned before, I have been an EMT for a long time. That means I am known in the ER of every nearby hospital. Coming in to have a rogue butt plug removed would mean embarrassment today and very likely a gauntlet of smirks, giggles, and whispers that would follow me for many tomorrows. It was way more bullshit than I was willing to put up with.

As a woman of a certain age, I can safely claim that I was reading Susie Bright when you were still sitting in a high chair throwing Cheerios at the dog. In one of her early essays on the perils of unsafe butt toys, she’d mentioned simply bearing down to push a lost toy out. I tried this, praying that Susie’s advice had not been disproven in the intervening decades, and eventually the Romp did return to where I could get a grip on it and pull it out. Whew!

The relief of not having to go to the hospital was overwhelming. My butt felt pretty grumpy after all that fuss, so I gave it the rest of the day off. In the meantime, I decided I was not going to try the Romp again without some kind of safety measure in place. A thin silicone collar around the neck of the toy with a strong retrieval string, a la the Luna Beads, would have been ideal. I did not have that, so I settled for a homemade retrieval string, which you can see in the attached picture. Then I put the toy back in its box and called it a day. The experience had spooked me, and every now and then for the rest of the day, I would get nervous and have to reassure myself that the toy was out of me and safely in its box. No matter. Tomorrow would be a new day (it was), my courage would return (it did), the Romp and I would try again (we will).

And you see, that’s the thing with the Romp. It’s so good that despite not one but two tales of the Curious Incident of the Romp in my Butt, we keep using it. I still wholeheartedly endorse it, just as long as you have all the facts. The Romp is just so perfect that otherwise sensible human beings will risk an awkward trip to the ER, just for the pleasure.

Sex utensils mentioned in this post- the Njoy Pure Plug, the FunFactory Bootie, LELO Luna Beads, and of course the infamous NobEssence Romp are all awesome and available from the fine folks at SheVibe

The time has indeed come- the time when the world goes bonkers for eggnog and cinnamon, adorable bouncing snowmens, and mobs of people scrambling for this year’s big thing. It is also the time to cozy up with your laptop and cat and treat yourself to the best sex utensil deals of the year. Here’s a handy list of what’s goin’ on, and some suggestions of my favourites.

Y’all know the drill- make sure you have cookies enabled on your browser, clear your existing cookie history, then go forth and shop using the handy links below! My cat thanks you in advance for keeping her livin’ lush with smooshy food every day.

Updated as new goodies come up throughout the week, so keep checking back!

Jump: [SHEVIBE]-[CRYSTAL DELIGHTS]-[BABELAND]-[STOCKROOM]-[GOODVIBES]-[EARLY TO BED]-[TANTUS]-[LELO]-[FUN FACTORY]-[FLESHLIGHT]-[ANEROS]-[CRASH PAD]-[SCKOON CUP]-[LUNETTE CUP]-[AMAZON]-[HONOURABLE MENTIONS]

Highlights:

• Njoy Eleven for $225 at GoodVibes
• Njoy Pure Wand for $81 at GoodVibes, $83.95 at FleshLight
• NobEssence Romp for $90.95 at SheVibe (code STUFFING15)
• Stronic Thrusters for $150 at Babeland, GoodVibes, FunFactory, or Stockroom
• Sckoon Cup for $31 at Sckoon (code SCKOON578)
• Lunette Cup for $29.99 at Lunette
• WeVibe Touch for $79.20 at Babeland
• Liberator Throes from $80-$144 at SheVibe (code STUFFING10 on fluffy/decor, STUFFING15 for standard, STUFFING20 for king)
• New York Toy Collective packers from $38.24-46.75 at Early To Bed (code SECRET)

SheVibe is always my first suggestion for anyone. They’re amazing folks and their prices are fantastic. This sale is also pretty fuckin’ fantastic too! Check it out:

• 10% off orders over $75 with code STUFFING10
• 15% off orders over $100 with code STUFFING15
• 20% off orders over $125 (AND a free gift!) with code STUFFING20

And those ALL include free shipping for destinations in the USA. That means you can get:

• An Njoy Eleven for 20% off, free shipping, and an extra gift. [Read my review of the Eleven]
• Any of the Vixen Gemstones for 10-15% off. [Read my review of Vixen’s Gemstones]
• The NobEssence Romp for 15% off. [Read my review of the Romp]

Crystal Delights has code SANTA for 10% off + free gift, or use SHIPFREE for free shipping within the United States. I highly recommend:

• Their glass plugs. These are the original “princess” plugs and are my favourite plugs in all the world. [Read my review]
• Their new glass dilators. If dilating is a thing in your life, you couldn’t pick a better gift to give yourself. [Read my review]

Stay tuned for more sales later this weekend!

Babeland, the first sex-shop I ever visited, has all their WeVibe goodies 20% off through November 30th. Get yourself a Tango, the best little bullet on the planet. Ditch the little watch batteries for good. If you like a little more subtlety or a broader spread, get yourself a Touch. I’ve heard great things about the Pleasure Mates collection, a g-spotter and butt (or vulva) plug set combined with a special edition white Tango.

Babeland also has all FunFactory products 25% off through December 2nd. Re-enact my first ever vibrator purchase with the simple yet satisfying Laya Spot. [my review] Or do yourself one better and grab a Stronic Eins (or Zwei, or Drei). I’m intrigued by the new Bouncer dildo, and I wish so much that I had a penis so that I could use the Cobra Libre. All really solid choices.

Stockroom have a whole mess of goodies on sale, from electrosex gear to sex utensils and all manner of BDSM gear! Get your kink on! Or you can make me cry by getting a Teddy Love (please no).

• The Neon Wand, a solid-state version of the classic violet wand, for under $100! $97.50 to be exact. Get it. (I like the sexy black & red version)
• If you already have a Neon Wand, the 8-piece accessory set is over 50% off!
• These leather gauntlets look amazing as does this striking posture collar. Only $60 and $30 respectively. WAT?!
• One of the nicest chastity devices I’ve ever worked with, the Bon4 Plus is 35% off

All FunFactory products are 25% off! It’s the year of FunFactory it seems which means nearly no matter where you shop you can get some great sales on Stronics, Shares, and some of the most classic dildos and buttplugs around.

GoodVibes has 25% off storewide (20% off on WeVibe & SpareParts) through November 29th.

• The brand new Tomboii boxer-brief harness is now $95.96
• Magic Wand Rechargeable is now $93.71
• Njoy Eleven is now $225
• Njoy Pure Wand is now $81
• HotDam latex-free oral dams for $1.39
• FC2 internal condoms, 3 for $6
• Skyn and Durex Avanti non-latex condoms for $1.05

The folks of Early To Bed who are some of the most easy to work with and the most human of sex utensil shops. Get 15% off with code SECRET but act fast, this deal is good Thursday and Friday only!

They have some of the best selections of transmasculine gear and literature. They have a fantastic article on sex utensils for trans women and transfeminine folk too.

ETB is also my go-to for non-latex safer sex gear, in particular Hot Dam oral dams and FC2 internal condoms.

Tantus has a whole mess of goodness going on right now:

All regular Tantus silicone is BOGO through November 29th. Cockrings, buttplugs, dildos, paddles, ball gags, Tantus has it all.

Grab-Bag goodies are buy 2, get 1 free. This is probably the best way to get Tantus on a budget, or if you just wanna have a one-of-a-kind mystery colour!

All cockrings and prostate goodies are 20% off with code PROSTATE through the end of the month. Get a quality cockring for less than $10!

Plus MORE sales coming up later this week and into the weekend!

LELO, whose prices just went up (sadface) and whose products rarely go on much of a sale, are offering 20% off + free shipping on all “vibrating products” (which means pretty much everything) through December 1st. I’d suggest:

• Loki aka BUTTMONA
• Luna Beads for less than $50
• Elise 2, the deeply under-appreciated dual-motor wonder, almost $40 off!
• Mia 2, one of my favourite travel-vibes

FunFactory, another company who rarely goes on sale, is here this year with 25% off + free shipping, sitewide. Through December 2nd. That means:

• All Stronics are less than $150
• The Share wearable dildo is less than $80
• The wonderfully stout Amor dildo is less than $30

FunFactory was the first brand of sex utensil I ever bought. And I keep buying their stuff. Because I love it.

Fleshlight’s got some great deals going on, starting with 15% off sitewide. Including the Njoy Pure Wand for a mere $83.95! Yes, Fleshlight has more than just, well, fleshlights.

Special savings of 20-40% off on bundles, and the more you buy- the more you get!

• Spend $100 to get free shipping + bullet vibe
• Spend $150 to get a free mystery sleeve + free shipping + bullet vibe
• Spend $200 to get a free surprise pleasure pack + free mystery sleeve + free shipping + bullet vibe

Aneros, hands-down the best brand for pleasing your prostate, has sale prices up to 50% off, plus an extra 20% off with code BLACK2015. And all that is on top of free domestic shipping on $75+ orders. You bet your butt!

Let’s face it, the internet is for porn. Now made even more awesome with Crash Pad Series‘ holiday sale! 15% off memberships- that’s monthly, 3-month, and even full-year memberships with code CYBERMONDAY through December 1st. Does it get better than that?

Get yourself a membership and then go watch some goodness. With talent from every walk of life, presentation, and orientation there’s something for everyone. They even have captioning on a lot of videos, and have Deaf performers too!

Sckoon Cup has a wicked funny name but even since getting one for my menstrual cup comparisons it’s been one of my favourite cups. They recently released a new purple and a new pink cup, bringing their colour catalogue up to eight colours. You always get 10% off through my links, but get an extra 20% off with code SCKOON578 through November 28th!

Lunette, my second favourite menstrual cup, is offering 25% off + free domestic shipping through Monday. These are great middle-of-the-road cups- not too hard or soft, not too tricky to get out, easy to modify the stem. Under $30 with free shipping? Get one! Applies to their bundle packs too.

Over at Amazon, where I’m loathe to suggest most sex utensils but there are lots of other goodies! My beloved Kindle PaperWhite is almost 20% off. Reading sexy books in public has never been so easy! Fill your kindle with:

• Emily Nagoski’s “Come As You Are“
• Tristan Taormino’s “Ultimate Guide to Kink“
• Lee Harrington’s “Shibari You Can Use“
• Mike Miller’s “Gay Anal Sex: How To Bottom With out Pain or Stains“
• John Waters’ “Carsick” (that man is my personal hero)
• or if you’re a total macabre weirdo like me try Caitlin Doughty’s “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes“

Powerstrips that work with wall-warts AND have USB ports built in, need I say more? I can’t say enough awesome things about Contigo’s Auto-Seal travel mugs. I have at least seven of them now. I never end up with a shoulder-bag full of hot tea anymore. And anyone with chronically cold feet should also own a pair of these super plush super warm socks.

Honourable mentions to the following folks. They’re doing some amazing sales, I just don’t have affiliate linking set up with them (or they aren’t offering discounts through me this year). You should still totally get in on these deals though!

Crave has 35% off sitewide with code THXCRAVE

Makers of the infamous Vesper necklace vibrator, plus the new Flex and Double Flex.

They’re fancy, but they’re fun.

Smitten Kitten is my long-distance crush. I’ve know about them for forever, but sadly never gotten to visit. They were crucial to my surviving the onset of a chronic pain condition. Their ethics are seriously something to be proud of.

They maintain a list of 100% body-safe vibrators available for $30 or less, and it’s beautiful. And they have the cutest dildo/grocery bag ever.

Tool Shed has filled out their gender section to now include breast forms, gaffs, and oh so many books and magazines!

Dilators — which are a set of graduated therapeutic tools used to develop/restore vaginal capacity and elasticity and/or to alleviate sexual discomfort — are one of those things that I’ve always been marginally aware of but never really thought much about. I knew that friends who’d had vulvar-vaginal surgeries begrudgingly used them, and I knew that some folks would use the term as a veiled means of saying dildo. I have a feeling that most folks either have never heard of them or have a similar passing knowledge as I.

Most sex shops, if they have purpose specific dilators, have the same purply-pink plastic dilator with interchangeable tops. Some still sell the old-school acrylic wands. Slim silicone dildos like Tantus’ Silk have been around for a while and I’m starting to see more shops carrying silicone dilators of varying sizes. I’ve somehow known of a weird self-lubricating dilator-cone-thing for as long as I can remember. I’ve never seen it in stores and have no idea how it came to be on my radar. But there it is.

Glass seems like such a perfect choice for dilators that I’m really surprised there aren’t more on the market. It’s a material that is already recognisably used in medical and scientific implements, so there’s that bit of clinical confidence. It’s easily cleaned, sanitised, AND sterilised, in the home environment. It is much less likely to look like (or be) a repurposed dildo and, unlike actual repurposed dildos (or dilators made by dildo companies), it has no friction. I’m sorry but silicone seems like one of the absolute worst material choices to me for dilators for the drag alone. That is just not a good feeling when you’re already dealing with chronic pain.

The fact that Crystal Delights made these dilators hollow means using them for stretching exercises is super easy. For the larger sizes I can just slip my finger inside like I’m wearing a little glass finger cot. I can just barely fit my (rather slender) finger into the smaller ones, but even just hooking the tip of a finger gives much more control than the cumbersome thing-on-a-stick style dilators. I also found that, with the help of some silicone stoppers, I can fill them with cold water which is super soothing for me.

I also REALLY appreciate the combination of a shorter length and the gently flanged base. This combination means that, with the application of a snug-fitting pair of underoos, I can have a dilator in place and still DO things. I remember humorous stories from friends post-surgery who contrived all manner of ways to keep their dilator in place without having to hold it in- sitting in the best impersonation of dudespread while precariously wedging the protruding end against a table leg, or donning an oversized Borat-esque garment, which still meant being trapped in one position but at least you could still surf the web.

Look, I’m not thrilled to be in a situation where dilators are a reality for me. I’m really not. Writing about them is hard and awkward and emotionally challenging in a way I totally wasn’t expecting. But dear gd if I can help someone find dilators that aren’t puke-mauve, are easy to work with, and dare I say it- feel good to use, I will. And the Crystal Delights dilators fill that void.

First we thought it was a UTI, so I went on antibiotics. Then it was another UTI, so I went on different antibiotics. That UTI got worse, so we changed antibiotics. A brief respite before once again the constant bladder pressure, the persistent urgency with barely half a teaspoon’s worth of pee, my urethra so swollen I couldn’t find my vaginal opening anymore, and excruciating pain. Discomfort and pain that kept me awake despite stacking my standard Ambien with an extra Xanax or two. I was going through boxes of Cystex and Uricalm once per week, at least. I lay exhausted and restless in bed in with my (albeit adorable) hot water bottle, or surrounding myself with icepacks like orbital rings.

Still no relief and mentions of Interstitial Cystitis/Painful Bladder Syndrome (the Fibromyalgia of urinary tract issues) started cropping up. I had to fly cross-country for my father to have brain surgery so a stopgap script for “overactive bladder” antispasmodic medication began, which I thought was helping but in hindsight I’m not so sure. My mother remarked at how little I was eating. It was true- anything that puts any amount of pressure externally or internally felt awful.

I got back home and off to a urologist for lots of peeing in cups, and lots more antibiotics. Nothing was getting better. I had a cystoscopy done, and talk of Cancer began and looking for solutions in this area as also ways to deal with pain such as the THCA flower by BudPop and other cbd products. The numbing jelly they squeezed up my junk gave me the first relief in ages, but that was just a lucky side-effect which wouldn’t last long. Next up was a CT scan, the results of which said probably not cancer, but also no other real suggestions. A six-month regimen of- you guessed it, more antibiotics was prescribed. I was already restricted in what I was allowed to eat and drink based on my food allergies, and I was further restricted to basically nothing delicious at all and no way to make it delicious.

I was in pain. I had BEEN in pain for months, but as most of my life has been spend uninsured or welfare insured I’ve learned not to bring it up lest I be seen as drug seeking. I’d been suffering through alternating hot water bottles and every icepack and bag of frozen veg I had in the house. I finally talked about the pain, and I finally told my partner. I’m sorry it took so long. I was prescribed the gothest of medicines ever: Belladonna and Opium. Except no one carries it. NO ONE. I was quoted at 7-14 days from the time I dropped off my prescription to when I *might* see my medication. Medication for severe pain. I managed to obtain some clandestine relief and finally got what was supposed to be the magical medication. I was literally shoving “flying ointment” up my cunt (I had the choice of where to stick it, and for once I opted away from the butt).

It did nothing.

The day after starting it, I was in so much pain that I called my parents. After hours of talking to them pondering going to the ER, calling my urologist at home and being given no real suggestions (but he seemed legitimately upset at his lack of options for me), texting with friends trying to weigh the pros and cons of an ER given my trypanophobia, and another hour or so talking to my folks, I texted my partner. “I’m trying to decide if I should go to the ER”. They graciously offered me a ride if I needed it. After back and forth and mostly me thinking out loud via text “I think I do need to go. Yeah, I do.” and so we went.

The ER I chose to go to was amazingly gracious about my trypanophobia and saw me remarkably quickly. After talking to the doctor we determined that trying to run a bunch of imaging tests that had already been done, that an MRI could maybe show something ((I had one done later, the results from which pointed to a whole lot of nothin’)) but would be less costly to me outside of an ER visit, we opted for symptom management. I was given Valium which helped remarkably with the bladder pressure, and straight up oxycodone which of thankfully helped the pain. The doctor came back, and looking at my chart he asked me if I’d been treated for any fungal infections. I hadn’t. I did have a standing script for your basic fluconazole at the pharmacy, given all the antibiotics I’d been on, but I’d somehow managed to not get a vaginal yeast infection through the whole ordeal. “I’m going to try something a little unusual- it can’t hurt, but it might help” and gave me what was essentially a double dose of Diflucan.

I woke up the next morning and didn’t need the Valium OR the opiates. We were on to something. Reporting back to my urologist net me a one-week round of antifungals (more fluconazole) and I felt better. I felt GREAT actually. I even kept my trip to Toronto ((Where, incidentally, you can get fluconazole over-the-counter. Which I most definitely did.)) to present at the Feminist Porn Awards– where I looked FUCKING FANTASTIC. It turns out you can get a fungal UTI. They’re rare, but they happen. Why no one, including my urologist, tried this sooner I have no idea.

I started to feel better, and then the irritation started to come back. I tried tossing cranberry juice at it (I wouldn’t learn until later that this probably exacerbated the situation) and trying to shove as much fluid in me as possible. I went back to barely peeing, my urethra swollen and red, and my period came two months early. Talk of long-term or possibly permanent damage to my ureters, bladder, urethra, kidneys, and liver were (and still are) all on the table.

I resumed the icepack/hot water bottle regimen and the Valium, and it helped a bit. I learned that I can actually wear an ice pack long enough to chill my urine inside me. It’s not advised, but it’s possible! I have good days and then bad days, and some half and half days. What I don’t have though are any spoons. I think I dropped all my spoons somewhere back in 2014. And I’m starting to run low on sporks.

Bodies are bullshit and they commandeer our whole lives sometimes. There’s a feeling of betrayal that I’m struggling to come to terms with. There’s the realisation that I need to ask for help, and I need to trust those who tell me they care about and love me to be there for me to help. I need to trust. I need to heal. I need my life to stop being an episode of House MD ((Though I do get a sick enjoyment out of listening to Massive Attack now when I walk through the medical complex to see my uro-gynaecologist)).

There have been two positive developments recently in the form of medication and physical therapy. I’m seeing improvement, but it’s unclear exactly why. The incredibly restricted diet? The nortriptyline? The PT? Things just going into remission on their own? Who knows. I’m still not eating very much, I’m still in varying degrees of pain, and I’m still not really sure what is going on. But I am better than I was earlier in the year, so I’ll take it for now. I can still eat avocados and sashimi, so it can’t be all bad can it?

In June of 2014 the whip-smart Mistress Matisse took to twitter with #RightsNotRescue in the ongoing battle for sexworker rights and respect ((If you’re a sexworker rights supporter, I strongly urge you to donate to the legal defence fund for Kamylla, a former sexworker who recently was victimised by the “8 Minutes” television programme)). As one who is a supporter, friend, family member, ally, and lover to sexworkers I stood in solidarity as we made and donned our #RightsNotRescue message. It caught on and I decided to get creative with my post-a-day.

And now, roughly a year later, that creativity paid off in a big way.

How better to immortalise what many are immoralising than to feature my #RightsNotRescue harness in an episode of Crash Pad Series! And with two of my favourite internet friend people ever- Evie Eliot, who co-reviews with me, and Ingrid Mouth. And thus begins the Sisterhood (personhood? aardvarkdom ((It’s a long story.)) ?) of the Traveling Strap-on.

Super hot sex being made by super hot folks, all while sticking it to the anti’s. What more could you want from porn? Still don’t believe me? Fine, watch this:

So now go watch my friends fuck. Go watch my friends fuck for their right to fuck. Watch my friends fuck the patriarchy. In case you wanna try it at home- that is an Aslan Jaguar 2-strap, which I customised with enamel pens, and the BS Atelier Sport.

And remember: Pay for your porn and all of our cats will thank you for the squishyfood.

The Packer Gear harnesses ((I have the boxer-briefs, but I can’t imagine the standard briefs being dramatically different)) are everything I wanted out of the rodeoH and didn’t get. They’re an awesome alternative to SpareParts Tomboi and in some cases, actually better. Yes- Packer Gear is made by CalEx. I’m as surprised as you are. I still don’t like CalEx as a company but of the “big four” major sex utensil companies they’re far from the worst. I give them some modicum of credit for recognising at least part ((now let’s see if we can get trans women to be included too eh?)) of the transgender community by starting to make packing products which are surprisingly good and affordable.

I have the boxer-brief style which is really a bit more of a trunk cut on me, but I appreciate that. True boxer-briefs can come down a little far on my thighs which can bunch up inside my 501’s (which, let’s be honest- if I’m packing I want that shit to get noticed). Despite being unable to find a size chart anywhere online [UPDATE! SheVibe now has waist size-range measurements available on their site], and the sizing options being XS/S, M/L, or L/XL, they fit fantastically. I got the L/XL and they fit me just right. For reference I wear an XL in my Vagina Dentata American Apparel Hot Shorts, a Large in Jockey Cotton Stretch Low-Rise, and I’m a solid size 16 in Lucky Jeans. I’d say someone a size larger than I am would still be quite comfortable in these, two sizes up might be a little snug depending on where you carry your weight. 95% cotton/5% spandex and a nice wide waistband means these are comfy enough to wear all day, and not just on days when you’re in a pinch because you forgot to do laundry.

There’s a bit of a lovechild of rodeoH and SpareParts Tomboi thing going on with these, and I like it. Inside you’ll find a vertical flap system akin to SpareParts designs. The vibe pockets are a little weird but also smart- there’s a horizontal one on the inside flap near the top (placed above where the base of a cock would be), and there’s a vertical one in the middle of the top flap. I thought this was strange until I realised that this put one bullet squarely on a potential fuckee’s clit and one squarely wedged into fucker’s junk pressing against the base of your cock. It works surprisingly well to add pressure bio-feedback with thrusting on top of vibration. Someone actually thought about this really intelligently! Slightly less well thought out is the placement of the packer-nutsack-securing-strap. This is located on the inside of the innermost flap, which is great for being able to keep your whole packer inside your underpants, but won’t work with STP style packers. In contrast SpareParts’ Tomboi puts this feature directly below the o-ring, which means your cock is dangling outside your underpants when packing- it’s a little odd. Win some you lose some I suppose.

The o-ring on Packer Gear harnesses is firm, firmer still than that on rodeoH. It also looks smaller when I compare them side-by-side. Surprisingly though it held up to and accommodated a much wider variety of sex utensils than rodeoH ever did for me. Headier cocks like Shilo and Woody/Mustang were a little tricky to get back out, but worked just fine. Silk Large, Leo, and Curve all worked beautifully. You’re definitely not going to get Maverick or Randy in here though, which I can wrangle into SpareParts ((with the help of the plastic baggie trick)). The stitching has held up through my game of Will It Fit?, something which rodoeH failed on the first round. The stitching on these all-around is really well done, and even has enough give around the thighs where some underpants get that weird thing where the thread is tighter than the fabric.

So about that “better than SpareParts in some cases” statement. I love my SpareParts harnesses, and I have nearly all their designs (I don’t have Bella, and while I own Sasha it’s been missing for over a year. This is what you get when you lend out sex utensils without making a card-catalogue checkout system first). The problem I have with most versions of Tomboi is that they’re made out of that swimsuit fabric which is really great for the standard harness styles but when worn as underwear and you sit for any period of time? They make you get a bit swampy. The exception to this is that they make a micro-modal version that is REALLY HARD TO FIND but is my favourite of the underpants harnesses. The fact that Packer Gear is 95% cotton means no swamp-crotch no matter how long I wear them or how many vinyl diner booths I sit in, and for me that’s kinda a deal breaker.

I’m really stoked that these exist. Being CalEx also means a higher likelihood of these being available in areas where there aren’t any so-called “progressive” sex shops ((yes, I’m putting that in quotes. I have some Opinions about how progressive places actually are when “gender expression” seems to completely forget about the feminine side of the trans spectrum, where gay male sexuality seems an afterthought, and where men (with the exception of trans men) feel generally unwelcome.)). For those of you who live in the breadbasket states or rural areas that only have big chain sex shops or strip-club annexes, there’s a decent chance you’ll be able to find these there. Given how difficult life as a person with A Case Of The Genders can be, in this case it’s almost a blessing that these are made by one of the big sex corps.

I’ve long struggled to have a good answer to someone who wanted a harness that didn’t trigger their dysphoria, that wasn’t marketed towards “lesbians”, and that wouldn’t break the bank. rodeoH seemed so promising and I know some people love them but I’ve had zero success with them. SpareParts are great but they’re not cheap. Making your own is an option, but not everyone is handy like that.

So now there’s an answer, and that answer is: Packer Gear.

Thanks SheVibe for carrying these and providing me with a pair. 

So what makes a really good taco, and where can I find them? What ingredients should I be looking for in my taco? What is the best way to use my taco? What if I like spicy tacos and my partner doesn’t?

OK so I’m not actually talking about tacos here, but the analogy illustrates a point— there are a lot of variables when it comes to bondage. What sort of accessories you use? How do you keep things safe? What happens when two tastes collide? Knowing what’s right for you can be hard.

Spending my days answering customer service questions for bondage rope company The Twisted Monk has given me a bit of insight into what questions folks are having trouble answering. This is why this guide exists. This is also why the second half of this guide is to be comprised of field-collected data and not my personal reviews. I know what I like (which might surprise you, but you’ll have to wait until the end for that), but rope is so variable and personal that there’s no way for any one person’s opinion to really lend much insight into rope selection and performance.

What is rope bondage?

Rope bondage can go by a lot of names: rigging, shibari, kinbaku, flying, hojōjutsu, and just plain ol’ bondage. There are many opinions about how to define the differences between all these things, if you like reading internet arguments go look up “shibari vs. kinbaku” and have yourself a blast. I personally don’t care what term you use for tying each other up for fun and profit ((Feel free to take that as you will)) as long as everyone involved knows what’s up.

I prefer to say rope bondage and use top/bottom or giving/receiving rope when talking about myself and to others. Call me a “rope bunny” and I swear to g-d I will find a way to climb through my computer and punch you in the face. To each their own, but the term feels needlessly diminutive, socially gendered, has a sense of vapidity, diminishes the role of someone receiving rope, and just rubs me wrong in a big way.

As I mentioned before about rope bondage names, there is plenty of discourse on the subject of the “origin” and “tradition” of rope bondage (mostly centring around Japan) which is fine and dandy and doesn’t particularly have any consequence to me. The idea that one nation’s feudal era owns the act of tying each other up for fucking is, to me, absurd. I don’t really want to get into it, and if I did it would become such a long clustermess of a post that no one would really want to read it. I sure as fuck don’t want to write it. So I’m not going to.

How can I learn rope bondage?

If you want to learn rope bondage techniques I STRONGLY recommend taking classes in-person. FetLife can be a good way to find local rope enthusiast groups in your area, as are groups like Rope Bite, and Hitchin’ Bitches International. You can’t go wrong with workshops by Lee Harrington or Midori. KinkAcademy has some really great videos.

There are also a number of really good books you can read and learn from: Shibari You Can Use and its sequel More Shibari You Can Use, Bondage For Sex [Note: As of early 2016, this title is out of print. Grab a copy while you can!], The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, Two Knotty Boys: Showing You The Ropes and its sequel Two Knotty Boys: Back On The Ropes.

A note about suspensions: 

I strongly dislike the notion (that I find to be rather pervasive amongst the rope-interested) that suspension bondage is the end goal of tying each other up. Uhm, no. Wrong. Incorrect.

This is like saying that the end goal of sex is inherently orgasms, or that not having penis-in-vagina sex means you aren’t having real sex. Midori has been quoted saying “if you can’t make them fly on the ground, you have no business putting them in the air” and I believe in this wholly. I also feel like the objectification of suspension bondage as the ultimate endeavour can cheat you out of having a lot of fun on the ground/bed/chair/whatever.

Don’t ask me which of these ropes are “suspension grade.” I didn’t research for that. If you’re doing rope suspensions or want to do them but you don’t know which of these fibers are safe to hang someone’s wellbeing and life from the ceiling, please stop now and go get educated from another actual live person, not the internet.

What about rope bondage and safety?

Bondage of any sort is risky business.

Always ensure you are engaging in bondage activities with another person. Yes, I know that self-bondage is something that many people enjoy, but I cannot in good conscience endorse such practices. Please, if you are considering self-bondage, read Jay Wiseman’s essay on the very real risks of self-bondage.

Have clear lines of communication between those giving and receiving rope before, during, and after. This is more than just safewords ((Or safe signs, or other means of communicating between individuals when something needs to change or be addressed. Remember that binding hands is, for a deaf person, equivalent to a ball-gag. Noise-cancelling headphones are much the same to a blind person. Consider who you are engaging with))— physical and emotional status should be open and on the table before you get started.

Working knowledge of the difference between good pain and bad pain is a pre-requisite. Make sure you have an easy and safe means of speedy release on hand in case of emergency– more than one is handy. I like safety/EMT shears and I have many of them. Please cut your rope if you have to, even if it was expensive ((Ropemakers generally understand that their products are expensive, and some of them will work with you to replace rope that was destroyed due to an emergency)). The life of another person is worth it. People can, and have, been damaged doing rope bondage. This is why education is important, and why I feel that rushing towards suspension is incredibly (and needlessly) risky.

ROPE IS REPLACEABLE. PEOPLE ARE NOT.

Is [type of rope] comfortable? I don’t want my rope to be painful/itchy/scratchy. Can I make my rope softer?

This is where I say that comfort is subjective, right? Yes— some rope is more stereotypically comfortable. There’s rope that is soft and supple as fancy lingerie, and there is rope that is rough and unforgiving as trying to fuck a cactus. Most natural fibre ropes soften with use and with age— a process which can be sped up on more robust fibres like hemp or linen by running them through a tumble dryer on air-fluff, or on more delicate fibres such as jute simply by working them through your hands for a while. Remember that as ropes age, either naturally or by mechanically accelerated means, they weaken.

What about rope burn?

Rope burn is typically not a concern with bondage, mostly because rope burn is a friction burn caused by the rope being pulled very quickly across the skin. In most cases, unless you are aiming for this effect, you don’t pull rope across skin fast enough to cause actual friction burns during rope bondage activities.

Many times, when someone is asking about rope burn they are actually referring either to compression rope marks or petechiae.

Skin is soft and squishy, so when it’s bound or pressed on for a while it gets compression marks. Remember riding in the shopping cart as a kid and getting waffle butt? Or how sitting on the grass at a picnic gives you weird grassmarks on your thighs? These are compression marks. They go away after a short period of time and will most certainly be gone by tomorrow. Rubbing them doesn’t really do much, but hydration helps!

Petechiae are caused by the pressure of blood trapped in capillaries of the skin (basically tiny bruises). This pressure can be caused by such simple things as bouts of coughing, crying, or vomiting (you may have noticed the little red freckle-like petechiae around your eyes last time you had the flu). In rope bondage they are teeny tiny lines of bruises which happen along the spaces between the ropes. Petechiae most commonly occur in particularly fleshy areas that require a lot of compression for ties to hold— breast bondage being the number one here, but thighs and butts can do it too. It’s much more rare on wrists or ankles except on larger softer bodies. They’re typically small enough to heal fairly quickly compared to a proper large bruise, and some folks believe that homeopathic remedies like Arnica montana can help speed the healing along. Your mileage may vary there.

What lengths of rope do I need? How much rope do I need?

The right length of rope is the one you have in your hand. Yes— if you’re looking at doing fancy rope corsets or full-body harnesses longer ropes are helpful. Most of the time, if you’re getting ready to have a sexy fun time with your sexy fun friend the last thing you want to be doing is rummaging around trying to find where the perfect length of rope is. Rope too long? Tie something else up! Rope too short? Tie another rope in! It may seem simplistic and possibly a little out-of-line from the posted rope requirements for bondage classes, but in practical application it has held true every time for myself and nearly all of the experienced rope bondage folks I’ve talked to throughout this project.

What’s with the whole end finishing business?

Rope is probably one of the oldest tools around. People have needed to attach and bundle things to each other since the dawn of time, and at its most basic you don’t really need any special tools to make rope. The problem with rope is that it has two terminal ends where the fibres which have been spun together rapidly want to un-spin themselves. Something has to be done about this, or you quickly won’t have rope anymore.

The simplest method of solving this problem is just to tie a knot at the end. It’s not perfect, knots can (and do) un-do over time and under pressure, and they’re kinda bulky. People have developed methods of knotting that add less bulk to the rope, which are stronger and less prone to untying themselves, and which are lovely and decorative. The big problem with knots is that they get stuck. Notice I didn’t say they can get stuck. They will. Go tie some knots in the ends of your shoelaces and spend the next month tying and untying your shoes with those in place. The first time you pull the wrong end, or your laces get a bit snarled, you’ll see what I mean.

Knotted ends mean that when you’re tying for rope bondage, every time you reach the end of a rope as you pull through knots, those ends can stick. This feels jarring and weird, losing the fluidity of the rope. This also means when you need to UN-tie your rope, especially in an emergent situation, those knots can jam in a bad way. It’s happened to very experienced rope folk, and it can happen to anyone. This is why, to me, knots aren’t a wise or safe option. They may be more “traditional” but tradition doesn’t always mean safe. Sure, traditionally mountaineering was done with hemp ropes but unless you want to become a tragic story of failed man vs. nature, nowadays we use specialised climbing rope.

So if you’re not knotting your rope ends, what else can you do? Sailors have come up with a variety of solutions from taping (which works but isn’t a long-term solution), to dipping (again, it works but it’s not very pretty and the feel is weird), to what most sailors worth their salt do: whipping. There are a lot of ways to whip rope ends, none of which are particularly right or wrong. Whipped ends don’t add to the diameter of the rope, so they pull through cleanly and smoothly without jamming. One of the really handy features of whipping is that it can be done in a variety of colours, allowing you to colour code your ropes based on length, or partner, or age, or whatever. You can whip your own ropes, or most ropemakers are able to whip your ropes for you.

What is bondage rope made of?

You can find rope in all manner of materials. For this guide I compiled a selection of hemp, jute, linen, cotton, bamboo, silk, synthetic, and couple specialty ropes. They all have their pros and cons, and people like them (or dislike them) for a wide variety of reasons. Again “tradition” says jute or hemp rope (there’s much contention over this as well, just like anything where “tradition” comes into play). But in the end…

What is the best rope?

There is really only one rope which should not be in your bedroom, dungeon, or what-have-you, and that is the rope you do not use. Yup. That’s it. Are some ropes safer than others in certain applications, or do some ropes require more attention and know-how? Totally. But there is no right or wrong rope when it all comes down to it. The rope that is best is the rope that you (and your rope using compatriot(s)) enjoy. But you don’t have to take my word for it. *da-ding ding*

All of that out of the way, stay tuned for the second part of the Epic Bondage Rope Guide: Rope Comparisons! Part two is coming real soon, with research on over 25 different ropes across eleven different rope-makers and a multitude of rope-minded folks! Best in class, best of breed, and best in show all still to come!

I’ll admit that this was another of those review requests borne of a challenge- after experiencing an asshook with a large ball I wanted something more fuckable. Something that was girthy and frictionless the whole way down, something that would approximate the sensation of the hook but with more versatility. So I managed to work out a deal to snag one.

This wasn’t my first hands-on visit with an Eleven. In my previous role as a Dildo Ranch Wrangler I regularly showcased the Eleven in all its weighty, mirror-like glory- carefully placing a velvet cushion on the counter and advising “two hands, please”. Everyone ooohed and ahhhed over it, but selling an Eleven was a rare occurrence. It’s intimidating in and of itself, and then there’s the pricetag; ranging from $299 – $310 online ((I’ve seen it for even more in some brick-and-mortar stores)), and rarely on sale, this is not a impulse buy by any stretch of the imagination. This was my first opportunity to really get to know the Eleven internally, and boy-howdy am I glad I did.

The first rule of stainless steel sex utensils is: warm them up first, especially if it’s wintertime. It’s easy enough to do with a container of warm water or, if you’re me, wedging it under you while lounging on the couch. I take that back. The real first rule of stainless steel sex utensils is: resign yourself now to fingerprints and smudges. Just make your peace with it now, particularly if you’re the fastidious type. I spent far too long carefully buffing the Eleven and it’s siblings in display cases feeling a bit like Lady Macbeth. So the second rule of stainless steel sex utensils is to warm them up. Yes, you can chill them down too if you really want to (I haven’t and have absolutely zero intention of ever doing so). Do this in the refrigerator or cold water though- NOT IN THE FREEZER. Everyone remember the flagpole scene from A Christmas Story or “the wall” in Muppets Most Wanted? Yeah- don’t do that to your junk. You won’t be happy. Lastly- you’ll want some lube to go with this. Forget the “use lube if you have to” trope most folks trot out. USE LUBE.

Given my dislike of the Pure Wand, and being the anti-size-queen that I am, it’s no surprise that the first response when telling a friend how much I enjoy the Eleven was “Wait, which hole? I thought it was way too big for you!” For a long time, so did I. Even more surprising was that, despite my intentions for the Eleven, I was using it in my cunt. I’ve discovered that pretty much across the board if I don’t like a size/texture in silicone or skin that I need to try it in glass or steel. The lack of friction makes things so much easier, and takes a lot less lube. It’s still tricky to get in, and the larger end is an absolute no-go (sad, because using it that way has built-in grippy bits), but once I can work the small end in? G-ddamn.

Whereas the Stronic shocked me by making me squirt for really the first time ever, Eleven made this happen with scientific precision. This thing causes actual porno-style jets of ejaculate for me to the point that I overshot my Throe ((I really need one of the new king-size Throes)) THREE TIMES in as many days. Eleven can take me from completely unaroused and not sex-minded to laying in a puddle of my own fluids in less than five minutes. Five glorious and arduous minutes of alternately leveraging and thrusting- which is hard not because of the weight, but because it becomes completely drenched so fast that I can’t hold onto it anymore. I found that putting a couple stretchy cockrings on the “handle” end to make it grippier made it easier to thrust with, though I find myself using a more lever-like motion most of the time. In this case the weight works in my favour, allowing gravity to do a lot of the work as I just move the exterior portion gently up and down.

Sadly I don’t love this anally, at least not by myself. I really wanted to, but as I’ve found with most of Njoy’s anal plugs, that slight point which makes insertion easier? I feel it. They sit in my body in just such a way that accentuates the feeling of that point until suddenly it feels gigantic and stabby. I don’t have this issue with someone else doing the wielding but that’s a whole world of communication that I’m typically incapable of with large objects up my ass. What can I say? Having someone else wield the Eleven is an exercise in trust no matter who you are or what hole you’re using. Go slow, then slow down a little more from there. Accidentally hitting the wrong angle or jabbing a cervix with nearly 3lbs of stainless steel is quite a strong sensation.

I’d like to note that there are knockoffs on the Eleven, so do be aware. If you see a deal on one of these that seems too good to be true? It probably is. While prowling the depths of Amazon is tempting for such a huge purchase, I strongly recommend against it. If ever there was a time to make sure you go through known awesome safety-aware sex shoppes, this is it. I’ve seen knockoffs that tarnished in display cases, that marked permanently from skin oils left on their surfaces, and which had mystery metals lurking below the surface upon further investigation. Njoy works only in 316 Stainless Steel, the same grade as is used for surgical instruments.

Njoy Eleven: it’s big, it’s shiny, it’s heavy, and yes- it’s expensive. But for me? It’s worth it. While I did get mine through special arrangements so that I could review it, I actually WOULD save up to buy one outright now that I know how much I love it. If you know someone who has one, I strongly recommend asking to borrow it ((Being that it’s stainless steel it’s fully disinfect-able and sterilisable so sharing shouldn’t pose any health risks)) first. As someone who has always been in seriously low economic brackets, I feel a bit guilty that my two favourite things to put in my cunt are both top-shelf dildos- but my body likes what it likes. At least the Eleven will last you a lifetime and then some. Plus, it can double as a home-defence tool. I can see the headlines now: “Blogger defends home with dildo”.

Huge thanks to SheVibe for helping me get the dildo of my (literal) dreams. Grab one for yourself from them for $299, which also qualifies you for free shipping!