Review: BS Atelier Alex Noise

I’m gonna call it. I know it’s only April, and a lot can happen but I think the BS Atelier Alex Noise is one of the best sex utensils of the year. It’s definitely become my favourite dildo in the history of ever.

Initially I was drawn to the fantastic splatter-painted effect of the Noise patterned Alex dildo. Fond of the works of painters Janet Sobel and Jackson Pollock, and (despite being notoriously squeamish) having done a stint as a special-effects makeup artist, I couldn’t pass up the gloriously macabre one-of-a-kind splatters of the grey Alex Noise. Covered in streaks of black, white, and red, I simply had to have it- and to menstruate ((Note: no actual blood was shed in the taking of photos for this review)) all over it. If ever there was a dildo that just said “bleed on me!” this is it. Of course- if clowns are more your thing, there is a vibrant red-yellow-blue version that is much less “Psycho-dick” and more “Candy Man“. I won’t judge.

The Alex model from BS Atelier is a bit more diminutive than I’d probably have selected were I shopping in-person. With a slim diameter of just under 1.5” Alex is one of the slimmest dildos I own. Being the opposite of a size-queen when it comes to things I put in my cunt, and having been rather ass-focused lately, I’m glad for the slender modern design. Despite most descriptions I’ve read talking up Alex’s curved shape, I find it to be rather subtle. This is a good thing. A very good thing. The tapered head without too strong of a ridge means Alex isn’t trying to hone in on my g-spot or pummel it into submission. The sleek shape and moderately soft silicone let me happily go on vigorous thrust-fests just the way I like it and never have to worry about unwanted jabbing. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to use a silicone cock right-side-up that I almost forgot I could!

Alex is almost a dildo to love because of all the things it doesn’t have: girth, a pronounced head, texture, length ((6″ if you bottom out on it all the way)), realism, a large base, a strong g-spotting curve. If any of those are on your must-have list, then perhaps the Alex isn’t for you- but then again, maybe it is. I’ll admit that had I seen Alex in a store before getting it, that I’d likely have passed it over. Sure, it’s pretty- but in my hands it seems like it would be rather underwhelming. My hands do notice one feature more than my cunt does- and that’s the asymmetry of the shaft. Unlike a lot of dildos which have a round shaft, Alex is more… elliptical. I’m hesitant to say it’s more realistic, but perhaps that is the right word- flatter across the top of the shaft and fuller along the underside. I’ve tried to see if I can discern this in-use and I’m not sure I can, but it’s a nice touch.

The base on the Alex, and from what I’ve seen- most BS Atelier dildos, is also on the petite side. The flange is a mere 0.25″ deep making it pretty easy to hold in the hand without having to the weird “dildo claw” hand-grip, but you’ll want a pretty snug o-ring on this if you use it in a harness. For vigorous fucking with SpareParts type fixed-ring harnesses, I’d seriously consider base stabilisers to keep it firmly in place.

I may have a shelf full of dildos, but BS Atelier’s Alex Noise may have just unseated them all. I think I’m OK with that.

[Huge thanks to the folks at SheVibe for sending me the BS Atelier Alex Noise. There are more awesome-looking Spanish sex-utensils too! Oh, and if you’re looking for some awesome stage blood like I used, check out Reel Creations.]