I’m gonna call it. I know it’s only April, and a lot can happen but I think the BS Atelier Alex Noise is one of the best sex utensils of the year. It’s definitely become my favourite dildo in the history of ever.

BS Atelier Alex Noise DildoInitially I was drawn to the fantastic splatter-painted effect of the Noise patterned Alex dildo. Fond of the works of painters Janet Sobel and Jackson Pollock, and (despite being notoriously squeamish) having done a stint as a special-effects makeup artist, I couldn’t pass up the gloriously macabre one-of-a-kind splatters of the grey Alex Noise. Covered in streaks of black, white, and red, I simply had to have it- and to menstruate[1] all over it. If ever there was a dildo that just said “bleed on me!” this is it. Of course- if clowns are more your thing, there is a vibrant red-yellow-blue version that is much less “Psycho-dick” and more “Candy Man“. I won’t judge.

The Alex model from BS Atelier is a bit more diminutive than I’d probably have selected were I shopping in-person. With a slim diameter of just under 1.5” Alex is one of the slimmest dildos I own. Being the opposite of a size-queen when it comes to things I put in my cunt, and having been rather ass-focused lately, I’m glad for the slender modern design. Despite most descriptions I’ve read talking up Alex’s curved shape, I find it to be rather subtle. This is a good thing. A very good thing. The tapered head without too strong of a ridge means Alex isn’t trying to hone in on my g-spot or pummel it into submission. The sleek shape and moderately soft silicone let me happily go on vigorous thrust-fests just the way I like it and never have to worry about unwanted jabbing. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to use a silicone cock right-side-up that I almost forgot I could!

Alex Noise "blood" splattersAlex is almost a dildo to love because of all the things it doesn’t have: girth, a pronounced head, texture, length[2], realism, a large base, a strong g-spotting curve. If any of those are on your must-have list, then perhaps the Alex isn’t for you- but then again, maybe it is. I’ll admit that had I seen Alex in a store before getting it, that I’d likely have passed it over. Sure, it’s pretty- but in my hands it seems like it would be rather underwhelming. My hands do notice one feature more than my cunt does- and that’s the asymmetry of the shaft. Unlike a lot of dildos which have a round shaft, Alex is more… elliptical. I’m hesitant to say it’s more realistic, but perhaps that is the right word- flatter across the top of the shaft and fuller along the underside. I’ve tried to see if I can discern this in-use and I’m not sure I can, but it’s a nice touch.

The base on the Alex, and from what I’ve seen- most BS Atelier dildos, is also on the petite side. The flange is a mere 0.25″ deep making it pretty easy to hold in the hand without having to the weird “dildo claw” hand-grip, but you’ll want a pretty snug o-ring on this if you use it in a harness. For vigorous fucking with SpareParts type fixed-ring harnesses, I’d seriously consider base stabilisers to keep it firmly in place.

I may have a shelf full of dildos, but BS Atelier’s Alex Noise may have just unseated them all. I think I’m OK with that.

[Huge thanks to the folks at SheVibe for sending me the BS Atelier Alex Noise. There are more awesome-looking Spanish sex-utensils too! Oh, and if you’re looking for some awesome stage blood like I used, check out Reel Creations.]
  1. Note: no actual blood was shed in the taking of photos for this review []
  2. 6″ if you bottom out on it all the way []
  • This thing is so beautiful that I want to buy it and put it on display on my desk.

  • I’m so glad your cunt found a new favorite thing! And what a glorious thing it is. The photos with the blood are EPIC.