Review: Bad Dragon Crackers Cockatrice

I can’t remember when I first heard of Bad Dragon. Somehow I just seem to recall them always being on my radar, though I know that can’t possibly be the case. It just feels like I’ve always had that little bit in the back of my mind of “Oh yeah, there’s this one company who makes dragon and dolphin dicks…” and just kinda left it at that. The last time I perused their site must have been some time ago, as I recall there being more aquatic mammals, and possibly a shark, than there are now. Apparently they used to make these, but they’ve been discontinued for quite some time. After browsing around for a bit recently, I decided that it was time to try a fantasy penis. Having just re-watched one of my favourite childhood films- The Talking Parcel, I chose the Crackers Cockatrice model. I chose the “medium” size as I was in the height of the put-all-the-large-things-in-my-butt craze of Spring 2013.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what arrived. Medium. I’ll just let that sink in for a moment…

One of the really cool things about Bad Dragon is how customisable their products are- you can get practically any colourway you want, though fancy custom colours do come at a premium. I opted for glow-in-the-dark because… well, just because. I asked for a black highlight, hoping to get something akin to one I’d seen on the forums. The highlight (or would it be a lowlight in this case?) on mine is less pronounced, and hard to capture in photographs, but it’s there and it’s rather pretty. They’re not kidding around with their glow-in-the-dark silicone either. This thing GLOWS. I thought that the Cosmic Bear lube was bright, but this- this I could see glowing even on a bright sunny day when I set it’s box in the footwell of the passenger seat in my car!

The other manner in which Bad Dragon toys can be tailor-made which is of interest to me is that they offer four different shore strengths (what is often slightly inaccurately referred to as “densities”) on their silicone: #1 “extra soft” or “female firmness”, #3 “soft”, #5 “medium” or “normal”, and #8 “firm”. I seem to recall from days of yore that they may have offered more in the early days, which might explain the weird number system. I’m not 100% sure on that one. You can order samples of their silicones if you’re not sure what firmness you want for your toy, and they are known to include one of random selection as gratis in with shipments. I requested all three (they don’t seem to offer their #1 firmness even in samples, which is unfortunate), and here’s my assessment of where Bad Dragon silicone falls amongst other silicones you may be familiar with:

• Tantus standard
• Tantus O2 (overall)
• Bad Dragon #8
• Vixen standard silicone
• Tantus supersoft silicone
• Bad Dragon #5
• Vixen VixSkin (overall)
• Bad Dragon #3
• Vixen VixSkin (exterior only)

Some toys are available in what they call a “split”, where the shaft and the base of the toy are two different firmnesses. While they do not advertise doing toys with a firmer core and softer exterior, it is something you can custom request, though not all toys work with this. I did request that mine be cored, and I now understand why it’s not something they normally do. You really can’t tell that the toy is two different firmnesses. I even emailed them after I got my toy, to make sure that it had indeed been made to the specs I’d requested. With how soft their silicones are across the board, even a cored toy is pretty flexible. Not at all the range of difference that you find in things like Tantus’ O2 line or Vixen’s VixSkin.

The low shore strength of the Bad Dragon silicone combined with the design of the toy make Crackers less useful that I’d been hoping. Something I’ve noticed with a lot of Bad Dragon designs is that they seem very much created with the “apply self to toy” method of use rather than the “apply toy to self” method. Very large, weighty bases (often with suction cup features ((The Bad Dragon suction cups are seriously strong, don’t be fooled. I accidentally pulled the entire top piece of glass off a retail display case with mine, when showing it off to some friends. These things are doozies.))) which are impossible to harness and incredibly difficult to grip for solo-use. I’m not one to park my toys on a surface to use them- I like to lie back and stuff things into me that way. Unfortunately for me, the combination of the oversized Bad Dragon base and the taper near the end of the shaft on Crackers makes getting it into me cumbersome and tricky. Feels a little bit like trying to have anal sex with a semi-flaccid penis- you try to get it in but it just skitters away from the target.

I do find that using a condom over Crackers helps a bit once I manage to wrangle it in, reduces the friction I get from the 3D printing texture which Bad Dragon toys have these days ((I’m under the impression that older models didn’t have these, from the days before they started using this technology, and it seems some current models are being re-worked to smooth this out.)) which makes thrusting attempts less of a chore. Still, it’s tricky. I do like the sensation, and it’s definitely the step up from the Randy that I’d picked it out to be, I just seem doomed to have a hard time getting both the size and manoeuvrability I desire in an anal toy. Once it’s in the sensation of fullness is great, and the insertion process has just the right amount of pushing-the-envelope stretch, I just really wish it had an even more solid core so that I could thrust with it. As it stands though, with the firmest that Bad Dragon offers as the core, it’s just too weak at the bottom of the shaft to really do that. Pity.

No- I haven’t tried this one vaginally, and I’m not about to do so any time soon. That is one place where I can still hold to my “I’m not a size queen!” statement. Crackers is destined to be an anal toy only for me, and likely one that requires a second individual to be able to get a good angle of entry for effective use. I do plan on trying more Bad Dragon toys, in fact I already have one more on-deck right now. I certainly think that they have promise, and if they were to ever start making their phallic toys in an extra- (or even extra extra-) soft texture I think there’s a market for fantasy packers out there. For the time being, I’ve got Crackers acting as a runway beacon so that I don’t walk into things in my living-room on the way to the toilet in the middle of the night. I knew there was a good reason I got glow-in-the-dark!

Oh, and yes- those are itty bitty versions of Bad Dragon toys, on my car dashboard, in the cover photo up there. The one on the far left though has a new home though, as a piece of garden art. Because my friends are awesome.