Gotcha! Happy April Fools Day everyone!
Commutes to work. Running around town on errands. The amount of time we spend in our cars these days seems endless. If you’re like me and live in a city, short trips just to the adjacent neighbourhood can take upwards of 45 minutes if you don’t time it right. Such a waste of time, with nothing to do. An idea dawned on me one day driving home from a date with Daddy, a date which included the shearing of my beloved cuntfur. The hum of the engine, every bump and pothole, I felt in a way I’d never noticed before. Upon getting home I couldn’t help but send him a message telling him of how exciting my jaunt across town had been.
A number of months passed, and I found myself chatting with fellow blogger/reviewer and friend-in-snark Epiphora about all the various startup companies coming out with supposedly “revolutionary” new sextoys. They all looked like a rehash of things we’ve seen before. Suddenly ideas were spilling out of our heads and onto paper. We knew we could do better. We HAD to do better. And so Joy Ride was born.
Inspired by the staggering success of my Bats In Need campaign on IndieGoGo, Epiphora and I decided to throw caution to the wind and go for it. We’ve been working hard, refining our concept and contacting manufacturers to realise our dream. We’ve finally reached the point where we feel we can reveal our breakthrough toy system, and launch our very own crowdsource funding campaign to bring Joy Ride into reality. You know you’ve always wanted your own pair of fuzzy car balls…
Joy Ride isn’t just a toy, it’s an all-new pleasure system. Designed to make one of the most tedious parts of life a whole lot better. This waterproof neoprene car-seat cover features a specially designed rugged elastic o-ring on the seat. Simply slip one of the many attachments, known as Cogs, through the ring and go to town- literally! Designed to hit all the perfect special spots, Joy Ride will have a variety of Cogs including butt-plugs, dildos, massagers, and more! We’ve drafted up a few concepts, but with your funding and ideas we plan to expand the line to ensure something for everyone.
I really wish I’d had Joy Ride when I recently (finally!) lost my car-sex virginity. I know- how did I go 30 years without checking that off my bucket-list I don’t know either. Joy Ride would have been the perfect precursor to get my motor running. And the Inner Goddess add-on to add a little bondage? Uhm, have you met me?
Don’t worry guys, we’ve got you covered too. Buckle up for the ride of your life with the Cruize Control- a unique steering-column mount for your favourite flashlight shaped masturbatory device. A central gear-shift and cup-holders will no longer impede our pleasure on-the-go. Easy to install and remove, the Cruize Control (along with all the other Cogs) tucks under the car-seat when not in use so no-one will be the wiser.
Worried that the family will wonder what’s up? Joy Ride’s o-ring conveniently doubles as a handy place to stash your cellphone while driving. C’mon, we all tuck ’em there already, this way at least it won’t clatter to the garage floor cracking the screen when you get up! Never fear about creepy trucker guys seeing what you’re up to either, we’ve got our patent-pending Privacy Blanket to keep you covered.
Check out all the full details of the Joy Ride, the Cogs, and learn how to support our project at our official campaign. We’ve teamed up with some amazing artisans, so you’ll definitely want to check this out! You can support us with any donation, and our amazing perks start at only $1.00! My favourite is probably the chocolates (locally made just walking distance from me!) but the Stretch Hummer is pretty enticing too. Is it wrong to donate to your own campaign?
So, what do you think? I’m pretty fucking stoked and I hope you are too. I can’t wait to give the finished Joy Ride a test-drive. I might even send one to my mom. Maybe.
- Really. I don’t know. I kinda feel ashamed for that, like I’ve lost Purity Test points or something. Thankfully no-one beyond the age of 19 cares about Purity Tests. I hope. [↩]