CliterrificWhere to begin with this. Ok- First, it’s from Cal Exotics so already the cringe factor begins. Second, it’s BRIGHT fucking pink. It’s PVC. It claims to be phthalate free, but I can see the beads of oily foulness forming on the surface of the toy inside it’s packaging. Speaking of packaging, it’s in a blister-pack, and within that it’s been shrink-wrapped in some seriously thick plastic. I can smell it through the shrink-wrap. VOCs? Ayup. Pthalates? Prolly. Believe it or not, that’s not my biggest issue with the Cliterrific. Oh yeah, it’s called the Cliterrific. I’ll just let you sit with that for a moment.

My issue here lies in the copy and supposed intent of this PVC glitter vibrating dildo. It’s something I’ve seen on things before, but never have I seen it quite so egregiously as on the Cliterrific.

Cliterrific is an 8 inch wonder designed specifically for clitoral stimulation. Turn up the heat with these erotically designed multi-speed soft pliable jelly stimulators with sensuous glitter.

Wait, WHAT? CalEx, where the fuck do you think my clit is located? I know that we’re having to remind people not to learn how to have sex by watching porn, but do we need to update that to not learning anatomy via porn as well? Newsflash: Deep Throat was a porno flick and not based on an actual medical condition. Clitorises (clitori?) aren’t located in our throats, nor are they located within the vaginal canal, as you seem to think based on the design of this stinky dick.

Female AnatomyI mean really, clitoral stimulation? It’s a fucking 8″ long, 2.25″ diameter girthy-as-fuck vibrating dildo! I’m almost tempted to use the much loathed term of “dong” to refer to this thing. I understand that people joke about men not being able to find the clit and yada-yada-yada but seriously- a dildo as a clit toy? That’s like all the glass toys I see labeled as “massagers”. For anyone who might not know (and apparently the folks over at CalEx) here is a basic illustration of the female crotchical region. Now, I understand that the clitoris is more than just the little eternal piece of erectile tissue that most people think of when referring to the clit, but I think it becomes pretty clearly apparent that an inserted dildo is not coming anywhere NEAR the clit. Yes- you could use this big stinky faux-phallus on your clit, but there are SO MANY toys that are better suited to that, even at the incredibly cheap price of the Cliterrific.

I’m a talkative person, but from the first day I set eyes on this I have been dumbfounded in it’s stupidity. That’s been nine months now, that I’ve seen this thing and boggled at it. I re-arrange retail walls, and every time I move it I gag a little. I re-read the copy on the back of the packaging and I can feel my blood-pressure go up and the knot form in my stomach. Thankfully, in that same nine months, I have yet to have someone want to purchase it from me. I’m not sure I’d be able to handle that.

If for some ungdly reason you actually WANT one of these, you can get it at SexToyFun. Personally I don’t see why you’d want it though. I do think that the little video they have on the page about it is pretty frickin’ hilarious though. I wish I could embed it over here. Oh man do I ever.

  • 🎃⭐aj⭐👻

    i’m taken aback that you have a similar word to what’s in my vocabulary: crotchitals. amazing.

  • AceDenise

    Not to mention the fact it’s just fugly as hell. I clicked the SexToyFun link just to see the video but it’s gone! I was hoping for more good laughs after almost shooting my Dr Pepper out my nose reading your post! But I think I’ll just read the rest of your posts for that. Thank you for continuing to call out manufacturers on their bullshit. Hopefully it will save at least a few newbies from buying this abomination.

    • AceDenise

      OMG the video link worked this time… I was torn between shuddering in horror at the bright pink jelly with “realistic veins” and giggling at the narrator’s stupidly excited tone of voice! Damn it is even more huge than I thought it was, and uglier too, after seeing it in the video held in someone’s hands. Didn’t think that was possible… yikes!

  • AceDenise

    It always makes me sad when I see “jelly” and “phthalate free” used in the description for ONE toy. Those two cannot coexist. I am afraid for all the newbies who get suckered in by this and really think it’s “phthalate free”. I’m officially renaming this thing as “Cliterrible”.

  • Come Heather

    Sorry you had to experience the existence of this. “Crotchital” is genius, though.

  • “specifically for clitoral stimulation.”

    ….wtf? I watched the video. I stared at the photos. I am left confused at how DUMB CalEx is. That’s saying something because I thought they were pretty dumb before I saw this product.

    • Sensual glitter! Realistic feel! Pleasure nubs! Wait a minnit…

  • Joan Price

    I’m laughing at your admirable attempt to educate a sex-toy company about where the clitoris resides and what “pthalate free” is supposed to mean. Your review was hilarious. Wish you had photographed the toy itself, or did it dissolve in its puddle of jelly?

    Joan Price

    Author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.

    • In all honesty, it was impossible to photograph the darn thing. In the package there’s too much glare, and then it’s inside of a shrink-wrapper, and then the toy, but the smell… OH GD the smell… and I know how quickly exposure to pthalates makes my skin peel. The video on SexToyFun though kills me. Just fucking kills me.

  • 1. Christ on a bike!
    2. I expect nothing less from Cal Ex.
    3. This blog post makes me think I love you.

    • Right? I almost feel like it’s too easy a target, being from CalEx. Almost, but not quite.

    • Every time I see this comment, it makes me smile. Mainly for point #3, but still.