Where to begin with this. Ok- First, it’s from Cal Exotics so already the cringe factor begins. Second, it’s BRIGHT fucking pink. It’s PVC. It claims to be pthalate free, but I can see the beads of oily foulness forming on the surface of the toy inside it’s packaging. Speaking of packaging, it’s in a blister-pack, and within that it’s been shrink-wrapped in some seriously thick plastic. I can smell it through the shrink-wrap. VOCs? Ayup. Pthalates? Prolly. Believe it or not, that’s not my biggest issue with the Cliterrific. Oh yeah, it’s called the Cliterrific. I’ll just let you sit with that for a moment.
My issue here lies in the copy and supposed intent of this PVC glitter vibrating dildo. It’s something I’ve seen on things before, but never have I seen it quite so egregiously as on the Cliterrific.
Cliterrific is an 8 inch wonder designed specifically for clitoral stimulation. Turn up the heat with these erotically designed multi-speed soft pliable jelly stimulators with sensuous glitter.
Wait, WHAT? CalEx, where the fuck do you think my clit is located? I know that we’re having to remind people not to learn how to have sex by watching porn, but do we need to update that to not learning anatomy via porn as well? Newsflash: Deep Throat was a porno flick and not based on an actual medical condition. Clitorises (clitori?) aren’t located in our throats, nor are they located within the vaginal canal, as you seem to think based on the design of this stinky dick.
I mean really, clitoral stimulation? It’s a fucking 8″ long, 2.25″ diameter girthy-as-fuck vibrating dildo! I’m almost tempted to use the much loathed term of “dong” to refer to this thing. I understand that people joke about men not being able to find the clit and yada-yada-yada but seriously- a dildo as a clit toy? That’s like all the glass toys I see labeled as “massagers”. For anyone who might not know (and apparently the folks over at CalEx) here is a basic illustration of the female crotchical region. Now, I understand that the clitoris is more than just the little eternal piece of erectile tissue that most people think of when referring to the clit, but I think it becomes pretty clearly apparent that an inserted dildo is not coming anywhere NEAR the clit. Yes- you could use this big stinky faux-phallus on your clit, but there are SO MANY toys that are better suited to that, even at the incredibly cheap price of the Cliterrific.
I’m a talkative person, but from the first day I set eyes on this I have been dumbfounded in it’s stupidity. That’s been nine months now, that I’ve seen this thing and boggled at it. I re-arrange retail walls, and every time I move it I gag a little. I re-read the copy on the back of the packaging and I can feel my blood-pressure go up and the knot form in my stomach. Thankfully, in that same nine months, I have yet to have someone want to purchase it from me. I’m not sure I’d be able to handle that.
If for some ungdly reason you actually WANT one of these, you can get it at SexToyFun. Personally I don’t see why you’d want it though. I do think that the little video they have on the page about it is pretty frickin’ hilarious though. I wish I could embed it over here. Oh man do I ever. Oh, and it comes in blue too.